The Dash Between

I'm - emotional.

No, maybe irritable is the right word. I want to throw a huge temper tantrum, and I've got utterly no reason to do so. Home is wonderful, we get paid tonight, work is - well, it's a pain in my ass, but that's normal, and I'm still not knocked up.

I think that might be it. That might be the root cause of the general over-emotionalness of -everything. It's vaguely PMSy feeling, actually, with the sense of something being 'off' inside my head, and utterly unaffected by what I'm doing out here.

I'm still reading cbirth, and still vacilliating back and forth. Well, not really, I'm debating prenatal care, now. I haven't met the local midwife (the only one I'm willing to use), and I'm hoping - yet not - that we don't hit if off, and then, it'll leave me a clearer path.

I'm considering going to a family doctor, but how many of them do prenatal care, anymore? That's all the realm of an OB - like I really need one to have me pee in a cup and weigh me and write a slip for an ultrasound. Then, I'm also still considering the OB/GYN that I've gone to before - a really cool, seemingly laid back black lady. I don't know - she had a small practice, and she SEEMED aiight - though I do remember tsking over the fact that she had a 'how to prepare for your c-section' pamphlet, but didn't have any breastfeeding ones.

And then, I'm thinking about the hospitals, in general. This town sucks, seriously, when it comes to hospitals - the one that I've doula'd in, I wouldn't birth in if you paid me to - besides, it's too far away. The one up the street from us, I've never been to - but I think I might check it out.

It's rather goofy of me to be worrying over all this, considering I'm not even partially pregnant yet - but it's the last little 'gnawing' worry that I have. I want to talk to A - but I feel - funny, somehow, emailing her ahead of time.

I've also decided that I'm going to go through this journal, and try to remove as many references to my actual location as possible. My name is out there, but that's okay - it won't help anyone find me.

*sigh* What an ugly and confusing mix of paranoia, fear, melencholy, and hope.