And from the Past

A major side effect of attempting to screw with some one else’s life is that unless you are still close to the person, there is no way to tell just how aggravated you are making them without blowing your cover.

Ah. And then, out of the darkness of the internet, comes a greeting. Hm. This should be fun.


JEH: Hi.
Jazzy: hello.
JEH: How are you?
Jazzy: I’m fine…and you.
JEH: Okay I guess…I miss you
Jazzy: you guess? You miss me?
JEH: yes i miss...1) we haven`t spoken in almost 6 months 2) you mean so much to me that my life feels incomplete with out you in it in someway
Jazzy: Oh. I see.


This is one of those points in life where if I was a witch I would have to clasp the three-fold rule tightly to myself in order to not call something big, ugly and booga boogie down on him.


JEH: do you still not like me?
Jazzy: *laughs* *thinks* Not like you? hm. yes...I suppose you could say that.

And honestly, it’s the truth. I don’t like him, and I don’t not like him either. I just want something from him that he will never be able to give me, and that is a pass to the past so that the events and episodes of the period from February to April of this year would just fade away. But since I can’t have that…I just have a bitterness and anger at the rift that was brought on by my stupidity and his betrayal.


JEH: i am sorry...i guess i thought time would heal the rift between us
Jazzy: time? yes...enough time will heal the rift...but considering the fact that we might have had a week old baby right now doesn't make this quite the right time...


Too harsh? No… maybe I am trying to shift some of the pain that I feel from me and onto him. It was my choice, and I cold have chosen to have a week old child right now. But I chose not to, largely because I didn’t want to have a child without a father. I can live with that, and I am living with that knowledge every day. Maybe that is really what I want…just to know that once a week…once every few months…that he thinks about what could have been, and what he lost, and feels some pain.


JEH: I see.
Jazzy: Do you?


Maybe I’m being to hard…trying to hurt him. Actually, yeah I am. I want him to curl up and cry some nights because of loss, and back-stabbing and feeling like something that he thought was solid and forever turns out to be a situation of convenience.


JEH: there seems to be nothing i can say or do to reconcile this matter with you, i wish i had the right answers but i don`t
Jazzy: hm. I don't think there is a 'right' answer. From the moment that you decided you were not 'ready' to handle me being pregnant, to the moment that you 'overslept'...there was nothing that could be done to make things 'right' between us. A line was crossed that can't be un-crossed, and I don't think it can even be re-drawn. yeah. I'm still bitter as hell. Not about the abortion itself...because I made that choice...and I didn't HAVE to choose it. I'm bitter because the man that I thought was my best friend turned out to be such a scrub when something important came up.


Really…I don’t think I ever asked for too much. All I ever really wanted was someone who I could DEPEND on...through thick and thin, through all that mattered and some stuff that didn’t. Maybe I was looking for a husband in a friend…or is dependability a required quality in a friend or a lover? And what are the rules when the friend is a lover, and yet there is no ‘real’ relationship there? I know there is nothing he can say, because the only thing that can be expressed in words is sorry…and really, sorry ain’t shit. Do? Hm. The problem has not been what he has done, but more what he did not do.


JEH: ok, i am still not ready to handle you being pregnant, and though it sounds lame i did oversleep. i never had a reason to lie to you or deceive you before i won`t create such nonsense now. nor will i give you some false since of security that i cannot back up. and if all this makes me a scrub then so be it.
Jazzy: I never thought that you lied to me...or decieved me really. The false sense of security? *shrugs* I guess that is where what you were offering and what I thought you were offering got blurred. Seems like I remember a man who said he was my best friend and would do anything for me...then something big and scary and life changing came up...and POOF! you were gone. But it was never really stated in words was it? It was just sort of implied by our relationship...
*sighs*
so I guess really...when it all comes down to the line...it's my fault hm? I should have known that when it comes to doing ‘anything’ for a person...that it only counts as long as it is something easy. See... I always thought that what we had went WAYYY beyond just the easy.. and I and sad and hurt and bitter as fuck to find out that I was wrong.


Ugh. Thank god I’m at work so I can’t sit here and cry like I want to. That is what it really all boils down to…I’m mad because I got took…I got pulled into a state of security and thought we had it all together and then BAM! The rain started and he was no where to be found.

JEH: now that is not entirely true. i know this was big. and every morning i wake up questioning myself on whether or not the decision that was made was the right one. i have looked at this from both sides as best as possible. and i when i finally come to up with something i feel like shit. why should i feel this way when i my heart and mind tell me that that right thing was done. but one thing still bothers me, why would you not marry me?
Jazzy: Because as much as I loved you, I would have been marrying you to hold on to you to insure that my child would have a father, and not because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…and that would not have been fair to either one of us. Besides all that…if you were not ready to be a father, not even that…but ready to deal with the idea that you were going to be a father…how is god’s good name would you have magically matured into someone who could be a good husband?


Ah…that one came out of left field. I remember telling him that he was not to ask me to marry him just because I was pregnant…if he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him before that, I’d be damned if I would marry him ‘just because’. *sighs* Besides…I would have killed him in a matter of months. *sighs*


JEH: I know the subject matter between us is not the best of things right now, but talking to you has lifted my spirits. I have to get back to campus for classes. I am not running out on this. I would like to continue to talk to you about this. Is it ok if I can call you?
Jazzy: Um. *sighs* Yeah. I guess so. I am not going to be able to talk at work, and I won't be home for most of the next two weeks (except for the weekends)...so maybe emails or on here would be better. You can try to catch me...***-***-****


ARGH! What possessed me to do that? *sighs* I don’t know…maybe deep deep deep inside I want to forgive? Maybe I need to forgive in order to let go and move on? Maybe the big bad karma patrol is going to hem my ass up if I don’t? *sighs* Maybe I just want to give the past a chance to finally lay its head down and rest…or die depending on how you want to look at it.

Stay Jazzed.