Starting Over Again....

Inner Child: classically defined as that which keeps you young, more commonly defined as that which makes you immature.

I have a inner child, and a inner parent, and sometimes.., just sometimes...they go to war over who will rule me this day.. this time... this month. For a while... for a long while in the beginning of the year.. I killed both of them and brought out the inner slut. * nods* Looking back now.. I have no problem saying that. For a while.. for a long while it was a kinda hurtful thing.. a kinda outer expression of the utter uncertainty and shame that I was feeling because of my utter total and graceful failing that marked my experience at Tech.
I did stupid things... things that were beyond idiotic, and things that while I do not regret.. I thank all that has control and mercy that I escaped from those experiences unscathed. I did things that I will never talk about.. never share.... except for maybe here .... in a private entry. But this isn't about the sex... it is about the woman that I was and the woman that I have begun...once again...to grow into.

A year ago... I was hunting for a job... preparing myself for the 'real' world that I was about to step into. I was scared stiff, with almost no self-confidence, and a low sense of self worth. I was afraid...and depressed...and in denial of both emotions. Yeah... I was a bit of a wreck waiting to happen. but I pushed on... ignoring everything else but the very singular goal of getting employment... getting a place to live... and getting the hell out of dodge. From what I remember that I was feeling... I was mainly ashamed. I felt like a quitter a loser a.. idiotic little girl who had made herself out to be so much better than everyone else... and who had finally taken her long deserved fall. *shakes head * damn... I was seriously stressed.... not only did I fell like I Had let everyone else in my entire life down... from my high school teachers to my mother...I really had no clue as to who I was.. So much of who I was as a person was wrapped up in my academic achievement.. that when that was lost.. I didn't know where to go or who to become.

And the amazing part is that all of this happened on the inside..only those who were very very very close to me (my momma and mi papi) could even tell that something was wrong. *shrugs * I tended to keep everything inside... because I thought that no one would understand me. *smiles * it is beuatiful to see how far I have come... how much I have changed. Man.... I don't know how to write this.. how to express just how radically the same and yet different I am now. Damn.... how do you wrap up a year of growth in a single entry?? in five entries? in a hundred entries? and I don't want to just gloss over the highlights.. because there really were none... only small snowballs that changed the whole face of me.

*laughs * I can't even start to subsume what I was into what I am.. the growth and change was so subtle... that I didn't even notice it until I looked.... damn. Sometimes.... I feel like the inner child & the inner parent have merged together.... smoothing out one of my many personalities into a dainty blending of one whole person.

Stay Jazzed.