On and On It Seems To Go

*sighs * Suddenly I understand what folx mean when they say nose to the grindstone. A state of total physical & mental uncomfort, combined with the fact that you can't SEE anything other than that damn grindstone. * sighs * anyhow... it is finals week in the wonderful world of my education...and they are biting my ass and biting it well. But I will survive.

And I am buoyed up by the fact that I spent an absolutely lovely weekend with Tashi. Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon was spent with her... and it was so relaxing. *thinks * being with her for such a long period... and JUST with her has reaffirmed almost all of my reasons that I love being with her... and with a woman in general. We spent most of the weekend chillin... two days in fact we spent in the house, reading & cleaning & rearranging the house & watching movies. :) It was an extended chill/rest period. *thinks * and why you may be asking was it so different from being with a man? because... hmmm perhaps it is just my limited period of time spent with men.. or the horndogs that I tend to run across... but I cannot see having spent that much time with someone male and not have to fend off any type of unwanted sexual advances. :) anytime she advanced we advanced more or less together. Hmm... it was so relaxing.. so not stressful.

No power games, no underhandedness...no personality issues. Just me & Tashi being Tashi and me. nothing more was required or needed. :) Such joy.... when I left Sunday (much to my dismay) I found that I realllly really did not want to leave. I mean it was like... doom and gloom and silence the whole way back. We got spoiled in the pleasure of each other. And then.. she sent me a letter talking about the weekend and how we don't talk about what we 'are' while we are together.. we just kinda.. 'are' :) I still haven't fully decided what my reply will be... but I know that I consider her to be my girlfriend.. my Girlfriend and I kinda hope she feels the same way.
Okay ... moving on.....SO then.. as an abrupt change form the peaceful state of affairs that I enjoyed over the weekend I came 'home' to madness and disarray. I think I am really starting to hate school in all of its forms and ramifications. * sighs* annnyyyhoow.... So I spent the night over one of my friends houses (a guy.. JEH) and alllllll freaking night I was trying to avoid his roaming hands. There is nothing worse than trying to sleep.... wanting to sleep... and getting awoken every few hours by a hand creeping up your shirt. *sighs * it was such a breaker in my whole state of peace.

It is sad.. because he is trying to get a girlfriend (kinda sorta) and I have one.... so I guess I will have to sit him down and have the talk with him.... cuz I am not sleeping with any men anytime soon. Anybody... *thinks * it is odd, because I have always had a fire for men.. and sometimes I still do... but it just doesn't heat up enough to let me actually DO the DO with them. And it is sad.... because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.... I mean I have straight friends who know I am bi.. but they are mostly guys..and they simply wouldn't understand. The straight female friend that I Have who knows *rolls eyes * she is sooo damn busy she doesn't really have time to sit and shoot the breeze. (Med. school does that to ya) So I find myself pouring out everything here... and just feeling better by having gotten it off of my chest.

Hmmm I don't know... she asked me where are we going to go... and I honestly can't tell her. I love her.. I know that much.. in love with her? I don't know.. this seems to be too peaceful to be that... and I don't know if I am ready to be there for her in that way.... cuz to me saying that you are IN love with somebody is a major step.. and you have to take emotional responsibility for whatever may come of that. I ain't ready for that responsibility right now.... and god knows when I will be. *laughs * I am noticing that my life has begun to circle around her and school..and that is cool... :)

anyhooooww... I got almost 200 pictures developed last week and I have been going through them trying to sort out which ones are worthwhile and which are just too trashy for words, :) it is funny the ones that I wasn't really TRYING to come up with a statement (or the abstracts) are the ones I like the best.. I need to get a new lens at some point. A serious telephoto zoom so that I can focus in on what I want to take a picture of and eliminate all of the other hogwash,. OR maybe I will just invest in a good PhotoShop program and start getting my pictures put on disk. Anyhow.... I plan on submitting something(s) to Focus... which is the school's literary journal.. pictures and prose/ poems just to see how much of it gets accepted and what it looks like in print. I mean hell that can go on my resume right???
Okay.. it is about time for me to get up and actually do some work.. so I will return.. later.... to 'talk' more...

Stay Jazzed.