Thoughts....

Interesting, the notes I've gotten - and one struck me as something that I've said to hubby over the years of our arguements as a partially root cause of why I'm not interested.

I've got a 'classically' good life. I've got a job that pays well, I've got a loving partner, I've got a lovely home, I've got associates, and I've got my health. But - it's not at all what I WANT. I often talk to people about working towards starting my 'real' life - the life that I want. I WANT to be a stay at home mom/author/midwife. I want to have children and raise them. I want to have a tight knit community of brilliant, sexy, liberal friends. I want to be able to spend time creating crafts and life and love. But - I've also got debt. And I've also got a husband who hasn't kept a job longer than 18 months in the 5 years we've been together. And I've also got rent (I'm terrified of a mortgage). And I also ain't got any real friends - I've got folx I can talk to, folx I could call on - but they aren't quite as close of friendships as I would like to have, and I'm - socially retarded enough that I don't know quite how to change that.

I'm certainly NOT living the life I want to live - I'm not being the person I want to be really anywhere in my life - but on the surface, it looks good and happy and something that I should be bloody thrilled and content with.

Do I think I would be a more sexual person if I was closer to living the life I should be? Possibly - I wonder if that is part of the reason I was so - sexual in college - I was HAPPY with my life. Yes, I was constantly broke, struggling with classes, but I am brilliant, and I knew I would make it through. I LOVE learning, and I interacted with brilliant, sexy, liberal people every day. I was challenged constantly, and dammit - I FELT alive. When I'm on vacation (and really on vacation - not just taking time off from work) I feel - sexy. When I'm on business trips - living a 'fake' life so to speak - no worries about money, about food, about entertainment - forced to constantly interact with people (the best work friends I've made have been people that I've spent large amounts of time with on business trips) - I feel sexy.

Now? At home? Bleh. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I eat, I read a little, I study a little towards my ultimate goal, I talk to my hubby, I watch a little TV, I go to sleep. I'd rather sleep than do anything else - at least in my dreams I'm not stuck in these craptastic golden handcuffs that feel like they are suffocating my joy. And - then ya know, it's like - 95% of society is most likely living under these same circumstances - stuck in a life/job that they hate - why am I so weak/emotional that I can't be unfulfilled and still be sexual? Is this something that can be worked on? Making myself happy just - living this life. But I don't WANT to be happy living this life - just like I don't want to be happy being fat. I want to be unhappy so that the dissatisfaction continues to prod me towards making life better for me. I don't want to be satifised where I am, because I'm scared that if I do that, I will lost touch and interest in my dreams - and then I'll look up, but 45, and realize that I've wasted most of my life pursuing some pipe dream that wasn't even what I wanted - and talk about being bitter and resentful then.

And - it's not that I don't LIKE my job - it's okay. Really, nothing more than that. I don't dread coming to work every morning, but I certainly don't leap out of the bed every morning raring to go. It pays me VERY well, but I'm not challenged in the least, and my coworkers - well, they wouldn't be my first choice of people to go out and spend time with. But - I stick to it - with the mad hope/knowledge/desire that after two years of life sucking numbness, I should be in a financial position to tell all these people to fuck off, and fully immerse myself in the life that should be mine.

The whole lack of friends thing - I'm a very private person, and I just don't MAKE friends quickly. And because I'm a dyed in the wool hippie who was born 30 years too late, it's - very delicate finding friends that I can really bond with. I'm opinionated as hell, and well - I need tobe able to feel utterly comfy around my friends - letting them know all about my life. If I have to conceal parts of my life from you because you won't approve - you'll never really be my 'friend'. I might hang out with you on occasion - but it'll be a stopgap - simply so that I can get SOME social human interaction.

That was one of the reasons that I am willing to swing - if people are willing to have open marriages, usually, the rest of their life is pretty - out of step - from the norm as well, or even if it isn't - they tend to be a lot more laid back (and less judgemental). But - with the whole I don't wanna have sex issues - I'm not comfortable putting myself in that place/space.

And then, I want kids. I want children BADLY. I mean - so badly that sometimes I get angry/resentful over the fact that the kind of mother that I want to be REQUIRES that I not work. Hell, I feel like I can barely be the kind of me/wife that I want to be and work a 9-5 - there's no way in hell I want to get pregnant. And yeah, I'm sure that deep in my pysche that affects my sexual desire - if I get pregnant now, I'm sure as hell not having an abortion - but - we're just NOT ready. And I think that if that concern - that unreadiness was addressed - I'd be eager to pratice making babies. Hubby commented on the fact that I want kids, but at the rate our sexual life is going, they are going to be hard to get...and I'm kinda - ashamed to tell him that I think if we were READY to have kids - I'd be all down for making sure they get created.

Well. That was a nice little whingefest. And I mean - is it strange for me to expect my life to be fulfilling and satisfying? I think not. Is it strange that my sexual desire seems to be tied to whether I FEEL fulfilled and satisfied? Maybe.

Hah. I wonder what hubby's reaction to me telling him that if he could make a guarenteed 80K a year, so that I could quit working, he'd get fucked every night? hah. he'd most likely be too tired to even want it that often then.