I realized that I don't work well without sleep. Hubby has a new job, and as we only have one car, I'm forced to work my schedule (banking hours) as well as his shift - (late night hours). While driving at night is enourmously relaxing, it also makes me sleepy as hell - which means that by the time we get home, I'm mostly incommunicative, mildy grumpy, and focused on going to BED - to sleep, not to play any hinkypinky business. I think I might have to start taking a nap when I get home from work. I can't wait til he gets a car.
A few morning's ago (or was is yesterday morning?) he woke up hard, and started jerking off in bed. I KNOW I have issues now, because my first gut reaction was 'Ew - why is he playing with that thing? Doesn't he have enough respect to keep such - such activities to himself??' then I started analyzing my reaction - one of the wonderful things about this journal - I'm more aware of my reactions - thus making them subconsious reactions yet I'm consious of it. And of course, you can't fix something you aren't aware of. I laid there for a while - actually NOT pulling away, or rolling over on my back like I usually would, and listened to him pleasing himself while I turned my reaction over in my mind. I thought about it, and about the tenseness in my body, and the almost automatic reactions of 'Ew!' instead of a more normal reaction of 'oooohhh' and - well, I didn't come to any conclusions by the time he came.
And then, to make me feel even MORE guilty (for having that reaction) he moans my name as he comes. I have an amazingly wonderful husband, who's even more amazing because he puts up with me. But I love him - dearly, deeply and truly....and I honestly think that's part of the problem sometimes. I haven't figured out how to integrate real love with raw lust. It seems - wrong somehow to have them both at once...at least in my twisted little mind.
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