I'm a tart

Okay - more accurately, I'm tart. Salty, sour, all of those food related words that indicate all is not well in my mind space.

*shrugs* I'm trying, ya'll - really I am. Sex once a week - whether I really WANT it or not. *shrugs* It's supposedly worth it for the sake of peace, but *rolls eyes* Ya know, I think he thinks I'm really interested. And it came to a head last night.

We're in bed, kissing, fondling, generally having fun. He slides between my legs, and says 'Tell me how much you want me to fuck you'. I looked at him with a lovely blank look (masked by darkness), and I tried to open my mouth to say that utter lie, but it wouldn't come out.

"Come on baby, tell me how much you want my hard cock in your pussy"....oh gagNACIOUS now. I was willing to fuck him, but I most certainly didn't WANT it - and I just COULDN'T get the lie out. I pratically stammered....then I snapped - "Stop asking me stuff and just fuck me!" 15 minutes later, I'm sweetly snoozing away, debating sneaking downstairs to write an entry, no orgasm (not that I wanted one, though I did fake one to make him hurry up and come), mentally brushing off my hands in having performed my wifely duty.

This morning, as I'm flying around the house (late for leaving for work as usual) he comes into my boudoir (easiest way to explain it) and says - "Did we have sex last night, or was I dreaming?" I give him a real stupid look (damn, I didn't think he was THAT drunk) and say - yeah, we did have sex. He comes back with - "So when I was asking for what I wanted to hear, you did tell me to stop asking questions and just fuck you?" I nodded, a frown on my face. Damn, so now he doesn't just want PUSSY, he wants pussy that meows on command. "Why did you say that??"

And then, I did something very very wrong. It was 8:25, it takes me 30 minutes to get to work, I had to be here by nine, I was barely awake, and really, I just didn't FEEL like getting into it just then. I shrugged, and gave him a halfassed answer. "I just didn't feel like it." He frowned - and I KNOW he interpeted it as - I didn't FEEL like saying it, not that I didn't FEEL like fucking you. He made a little face, then gave me the 'we kiss goodbye every morning but I don't really feel like kissing you right now' goodbye kiss, and I rushed downstairs to grab the last bit of my shit.

So....now, tonight I think I'm going to have to confess. Tell him that despite my 'apparent' higher interest in sex, I'm just trying to get him off on a regular basis, so he won't turn into the Sex-Deprived Asshole of the South...tell him that, I STILL want sex at the same frequency I've ALWAYS wanted it - once a month (or so....I can go longer) but I'm consiously being receptive to HIS needs (most of the time) when HE wants it (every other damn day). And with that simple fact in mind, it's going to be hard for me to lay there and lie without channelling a very bad actress in a very bad porno.

"Oh yeah Hubby, stick that big fat cock into my tight hot wet little pussy...ooohhh.....ahhhh......yeah Baby, I want your hard dick pounding in me....yeah...." all while mentally filing my nails.

*gag*

*sigh* Though I suppose, considering I'm actually FUCKING him when I don't want to now (how far I've come), give me another six months and my fucking nickname will be Debbie. And - don't get me wrong - there's NOTHING wrong with his size/style/performance/endurance - any of that. He's a great lover. It's just hard to be enthusiatic about it when I really don't want to be loved on.

Speaking of faking orgasms, I've realized that I can actually cum on demand - and I mean the full waterworks....I can CONTROL the shiver, the squeezing, the juice making....*LOL* I would actually be a great porn star.

*sigh* And we are supposed to be going to a swing party this weekend, and I'm REALLLY not sure if I want to go. But....I said I would go. *sigh* And - hey - who knows what might happen/might not happen. Maybe he'll finally fuck another gal. But hey - at least it gives me a reason to go shopping!