wow

Someone - and I'm going to have to go through my notes again to figure out who - suggested that we try tantra to see if it helped us any. On that bit of advice, I went online, looked at some stuff, and finally, when I was in a bookstore a couple of weeks ago, I picked up a tantra book, and started reading it.

One of the things that they pointed out was that sex, so often, is focused on the other person - that our expectations are based on how the other MAKES us feel, rather than how WE feel - if that makes sense.

Anyhow - last night, I'm heading off to bed - a tired gal, as it was around 1am. Hubby asked if I wanted some company - and while I was kinda - eh, I said sure. As we got into it, I decided that instead of thinking about what was going on - I would immerse myself in how I felt, rather than how what I was doing was making him feel. I also tried to STOP thinking - just to totally be my feelings, and to react/vocalize only that. I also had to let go of my - expectations. If I wanted him to go faster at a certain point, and he slowed down, I didn't get upset about him NOT doing what I expected - instead I just moved my awareness of what was going on BACK to what was going on.

Wow. It was - stellar. It was - kinda like it used to be. Such an amazing array of FEELINGS - not emotional mind you - maybe a better way to say it would be - such a wide array of SENSATIONS - that are always there - but normally - I just don't feel them. It was - wow. Powerful and wonderful and high-enducing. For the first time in a long time, I laid there afterwards with a grin on my face - it was FUN. Mind you, I still wasn't really up for a second round - but *evil grin* neither was he.

*shakes head*

It's odd how I get to breakthroughs - I'm just so damn slow. It's like watering a baked clay - you've got to do it for a while, and give the clay time to absorb the water before any real results are seen. So - I'm going to keep trying this - internalizing - and see if the return to me helps us out. Hm. :)