Everything Must change

Whoa. Incredible how things can change,and your eyes can be opened to new things in such a short amount of time..days minutes seconds... folx lives can change... or....even more amazing. they can stay utterly the same. Whatthe hell am I talking about?? Oky, I'm not going to be totally coherent, because I am trying to remember what I wanted to write last night but ccouldn't because my hands were full of hair (my hair. yes we are on hair again) I was twisting my hair, talking to CAK & Q...and writing in the OD at the same time simply was NOT gonna happen.

Ok, I told CAK who/where I was...why?? Hmm..that is a kinda long story.

Okay.... about a month or so ago, when me & my mom were on the phone on a regular, she told me that she was worried about me, becaue I haven't been sounding really happy on the phone. She said that every time she got off, she wanted to call back and be sure that I was okay. *shakes head* I couldn't understand WHY she was worried. I mean I have relatively cool job, a lovely house, money (enough) and I am set in my ways... pretty much so. Life is good. Yet she said that I sounded Depressed... *sighs* and I told her then.. I feel FINE. Since then, every time she calls I can hear a little bit of... I don't know.. worry in her tone.... *sighs* Somehow I DO believe that is why she wants to come down here. To be sure that I am really OK.

Next part.... yesterday, before I left work Icalled Nee. *grins* She isn't coming down untilthe fourth, which means while Iwon't be able to meet Q in privacy *wiggles eyebrows* before then.. I WILL be able to go to DC and meet CAK... *whoo HOOO* annnyhooow.... we were on the phone for a while and she was like.. Jazz..what's wrong? You sound..... depressed. And I snapped on her. *sighs* for no reason really.. but it was just the fact that dammiit! I FEEL FINE! annnyway.... she was kinda quiet and then she was like ooookk! I will leave that one alone. But the reason I snapped was because it kinda freaked me out.. I mean the two people who know my voice the BEST (if I was still talking to MJW he would have most likely said the same thng) said that I sounded..well depressed. *sighs* Fine. So as I was leaving work, I sent a quick message to CAK saying... I think I'm depressed...but dammit I feel FINE' . I know he has suffered from depression so he might... I don't know..be able to tell me something or clear stuff up. *sighs* So I go home.. and I am in a TOTAL funk. *shrugs* I don't know... I was thinking about it now. I haven't been eating or sleeping noramlly... I have certainly withdrawn from people... *sighs* and a whole bunch of other stuf that I KNOW are classic signs of depression. SO anyhow.. I go home.. and start talking to CAK... he asks me what was up and I tell him. *frowns* As I was telling him about how I have bee n withdrawing from people..... I realized that in a way I was withrawing from HIM. I was doing the same thing that MJW had done to his friends.. puling away little pieces of himself for no apperent reason. ANd I don't want to do that.... I feel comfortable enough with him (sometimes) to tell him everything..soo.*sighs* and so.. I made him PROMISE me that he would never ask about anything I said in here.. or question me... cuz like I said in the beginning... I might say something here one day and not mean it the next and I really DON"T want to have to think about what I'm saying.... so. That is how it has eneded up. Hm. *shrugs* I don't know.... It is cool. *grins* I nevver really wanted to NOT tell him.. but I didn't want to have to put myself in the position of explaining myself. anything. Nor did I want to worry about hurting his feelings if I wrote something that was... less than complimentary shall we say? hm. Annnyhooow..... that is how it has ened up. *smiles* okay

But....after I told him, I started reading through my diary again, and I realized that I had made quite a few references TO depression.... sayin things like... I don't want to be depressed.. and I know that is a sign of depresion.. *Sighs* I don't know. It's not that I'm in denial.. (if I AM suffering from it) it is just that I DON'T want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with ANYTHING... I want to crawl into a little corner and hide. *sighs* is that another sign? So... I went to some website that CAK gve me and found out that I hav e had 7 of the 10 major symptoms of depression for at least 2 months... maybe as many as 7 (since November). I thnk that it first started happening while I was at HTech. *thinks* I had crying spells and bouts of suicidal thought s then too. *sighs* *frowns* which is rather odd for me. But... *shrugs* hey Life really really SUCKED then. A chemical imbalance in the brain. Dammit but I HATE drugs. But.... I need to get this looked into before I start school. Something tells me that acadmeics & depression don't go together. *sucks teeth* Shit. I feel freaking FINE. I mean if I didn't.... how could I have possibly managed to....

Stay Jazzed.