Dramatis Personae

Dammit all... I told him that I have a new diary.. didn't say where or who and now I think he is upset cause I won't share it with him. *sighs* sometimes I need something that is all my own.. and I don't have to defend that to anyone. He needs a name..cuz I will be talking about him alot. Hm. I guess I should introduce all of my Characters.

My Mother = Mommy
My Best Friend (Current) = CAK (love of my life, troubled, straight)
My Best Friend (EX) = MJW (first love, never kissed/touched gay)
Many Other Friends = Steve, the wonderfully funny amazing gorgeous bi New Yorker that I met through John John, one of the few friends from high school that I still have. He is bi too. Then there is Donna, the Gay Woman of Shure (not the real name) College, and the sexy little gay lady AV. Then there is Nee, the best freind/recent grad/about to go to med school friend . Hmm... that is about it. Other men & women may come through every once in a while, but they are the main characters in my saga of life. Wow... I never realized how many more women there were then men. Interesting. I'll also givea background story on each... just to settle their history in my mind.....

Mommy.... she is the most beautiful wonderful intelligent mommy anyone could have. I love her immensely, from afar and from upclose, and she loves me back. I think we hated each other through the last two years of high school.. bu that is a NORMAL mother daughter thing right? I realize that she is alot like me.. out going among freinds..quiet around new folx.. always amazed by the world around her... intelligent and intuitive as all get out. *sighs* I love my mommy. I miss my mommy sometimes....and she is SO young.. she makes ME feel old sometimes. Did I mention that she is beautiful?

CAK.... my...damn I don't want to use his nickname....but I can't quite imagine how else to put it. He is mi corazon. Like a brother/lover/friend I never knew I needed. We have never met... and we will HOPEFULLY meet Memorial day weekend...and iti s kinda scary. I mean..what if we meet each other and justget on each others nerves to NO end?? god... thsat would be the absolute WORST.... we were doing what if scenasrios last night.... and I think that we are close enough to get over any physical shocks....but will we mesh as well emotionally in RL as we have on here? God I would be so hurt if we couldn't. My earlier entry Crying at Work was about him. Him saying that shocked me into realizing how much he wad a part of my life. I was at the mall later that day and as I was shopping I kept thinking,. hmm I need to tell CAK about this.... or CAK would like this.. or hmmm I wonder if CAK knows that they have come out with that new album? and each time it was like oh dear god. what if he was gone? Ah. That would hurt so much. and I don't really remember how we met anymore...there is so much to tell.... aand so hard to put it into words. He was abused as a child. He was abused (emotionally) in most of his relationships as a man...that changes a man.

MJW....ah. I should call him Heartache. I have cried more over this manchild than anyone or anything else. He was my first first love. We met in a summer camp the summer of... god... was it 92? We had an on & off relationship until I went to Shure in the summer of 95, and then we went to friends. For about three years we were the closest and best of friends. He felt like my missing piece and I loved him so much it was likea disease...because he is, and always has been very closed off and withdrawn. NO one gets close to him...as I told John John (whoh as known him since grade school) it is like he is on a pedastal..and everytime I get close toreaching him he kicks my ass back down. The last time I REALLY talked to him was in August of 98. HE withdrew totally from all his friends....didn't respond to emails ..phone calls...letters... nothing. That was the LAST time I was letting my ass get kicked my him. So I cried. and moped. and let go. He is a sore space in my heart now....they way your gum feels after a tooth has been pulled...sore but so much better than before. I mis him so so so much tho...but I think that the friendship and closeness we had before has been totally mucked up. And then he invited me to his graduation. *sighs* WTF?

For the rest... that quick synopsis will do.....at least for now. With friends like these....I can always

Stay Jazzed