Baggage & Stuff

*goddess..I never knew I had so much to say... I'm ALWAYS talking to myself, and never thought to write it all down*

I'm considering moving some of my old entries from the other diary here. or I might just grab the poetry and leave the other stuff. That woman there was the other me. This is the REAL me. Yeah... so I have spilt personalities.... *grins* don't we all?

Okay.... I don't remember the dates for these, but these are all.. I think that I'm going to bring with me.. a little baggage is all. Here I can explain each one.


I don't want to talk
about the state of the union
or about Jada's hair
or about the
price of milk
I want to hold you in my arms
wrap my soul around your love
and talk
without saying a thing.
I don't want to write
an essay on
The
Suffering of Modern Woman
or an article
for the student paper
I want to put
pen to paper
and let the whispers that
haunt my heart
slide into eternity
I don't want to think
about how I'm gonna pay the rent
or what tests I have to take
or what the rest of my life holds
I want to think about the color of your eyes
when you laugh
the sound of your voice
when you cry
the touch of your hands
when you love me.
I don't want to be alone
for life
for birth for change
I want you to be there
touching me
whipsering to me
holding me
all through my life.



I wrote this for CAK actually, in one of my odd moments when I realized how much I love him before I remembered that we will most likely never BE together because we are too damn different.


So what if I can't fly
without wings
scream to Arizona
change colors
I can be me
and that is better
than anything else
So what if I can't
sing like Aida
dance like Paula
or **** like Vanessa
I can be me
and that is better
than anything else
So what if I can't
write like Nikki
or rap like Lauryn
or cook like Melle
I can be me
and that is better
than anything else
Cuz I can
Sing (like me)
Fly ( in my dreams)
scream (in my heart)
Change (my mind)
Dance (like me)
**** (so we like it)
Write (like me)
Rap ( in another language)
Cook ( so I don't starve)
And that is better
than doing anything else.



I wrote this… in one of my moments of bold independence. *grins* I think I might print this one out and put it up on my walls somewhere….


I peel off the layers
And stand naked
before me
Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more
As I peel
I see
I dissolve away
I change out of
but not into
a shell of me
Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more
Beggarman
Thief
Whore

until I can see
I will follow the path
I have not made
until I can hear
I will listen to the words
I have not spoken
until I can breathe
I will die
over and over again


I think I wrote this right before I got sick. I was really really ill. But I like the way it flows….so it stays.


I realized that to most people I am incredibly strange. I am simply NOT the norm. Never really wanted to be. Well maybe...once or twice. But anyhow.. I realized that compared to most of my peers...I'm damn strange. I listen to jazz more than hip hop. I read more than I watch TV. I prefer Malaysian food over McDonalds. I collect journals instead of mementos. I take black and white pictures of nothing instead of color pictures of people. I like to be alone...even when I'm with others. I'm not interested in sports, politics, actors actress or super stars. I would prefer to read Discover to Vibe any time. I want to be a writer when I grow up. I want to Grow Up. I want a house NOW. I want to garden. I dream in techni-color *laughs* but you get the picture...and sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty for not being even remotely normal. I find that chit chat and small talk is hard for me to do. I mean..what common ground can we meet on to chit chat about?? So I tend to stay silent...watching from the outskirts...noticing group flows and interactions...but never really a part of it. And sometimes I feel sorry for me...then I realize that I am unique. Quite totally. While I have had many a person say I favor someone...I have never been able to remind people of someone else. And to me...that is a blessing. Very few people forget me, once they have talked to me for a while. Simply by being ME I stand out even as I'm blending in.
So I feel bad. Sometimes. and other times I firmly decide that I hate humans. I wrote, for a drama class, this loooonnnggg drama/play called Jupiter Lives. Basically it went through my life and stated that
And as I live, and as I grow into the woman I am...through me Jupiter Lives.
My momma lied to me shamelessly as a child. She told me that I was from Jupiter.. that her 'real' daughter was on Jupiter and we were part of some exchange program. Now while in cold print that seems kinda cruel...to me it was always an explanation of why I am so DIFFERENT. I have an extra line on the ring finger of my right hand. a little thing but... *grins* that is my symbol of Alien origins... I have only met one other person in my life who has an extra line...and he is kinda out there too.
SO that is why sometimes I hate humans. mainly because I'm NOT one...and because they do REALLY stupid things sometimes. not that I don't...but I shouldn't.
Have I psycho-analyzed my terror of messing up? Maybe... I'm reading a book now called Women's Bodies, Women's Minds and it says that we as women have become distanced from ourselves. We have been trained to ignore what feels GOOD in favor of that we have been TOLD is right. *sighs* So I guess I'm gonna go with what feels RIGHT to me...and if I mess up...well us Aliens aren't perfect either.


That one I wrote to explain me to myself. Makes sense? Yes? No? neither do I .

I admire women.
Women who manage to remind me of how wonderful life can be over thirty.
I admire women who wear their gray hair as a sign of dignity and growth.
I admire women who stand up to whatever bothers them, and make the personal political.
I admire women who won't take no for an answer.
I admire women who with out knowing it themselves, know what we MUST do to grow as a people.
I admire women who can write and make me cry.
I admire women who can write and make me think.
I admire women who posses themselves.
I admire women who allow themselves to be themselves.
I admire women who want to be whatever they want to be.
I admire women who become what they want to be.
I admire women who raise their daughters AND their sons.
I admire women who love unconditionally...without being fools.
I admire women who give of themselves...and expect nothing in return.
I admire women who can say NO. And mean it.
I admire my mother...my aunt...my grandmother...my great grandmother...my cousins...my sisters of the hand and the heart.



In Honor of Nee's Graduation.


There are
some kinds of love
that will not be ignored
cannot be denied
stand in front of
you
and
demand
that you open your heart to them
There is no hiding

of the mind body or
spirit
they step out
into your life
at the mention of
a name

the glimpse of sky
the words
that cannot be brought back
There are some kinds of love

that don't care if they are returned
cannot be destroyed
that will never die
refuse to be
stomped out
even as you ice up everything to deny it
throughout life

joy
pain
there are some kinds of love
that will haunt you
pursue you

annoy you
drive you love sick & stir crazy
twist your thoughts
until you kneel

and acknowledge them
There are some kinds of love
that will never die
no matter how much

you need it to.



This I wrote for MJW. Because I Still love him…. Right down to the tips of my toes. And I don't like him too. Hate is too strong.. too much.. wrong. But I love him, and at the same time I feel for that that which is the opposite of love. *sighs* there is so much pain in all of my love.... I wonder.... if I stop loving...would I be able to


Stay Jazzed?