The Trip (Parts 1, 2 & 3)

The entries for May 29 - 31 were written while on the trip and posted on the second (hopefully) of June


May 29

*deep breath* arg, Okay...the trip here was cool. I didn't expect that the drive would be as enjoyable as it was. I haven't really talked to other women for a while. We talked about everything from sex roles to politics to hypothetical 'what-if' scenarios. As I rode, I grew more comfortable, spilling my guts about what I have been. Who/what I was. It was nice to be able to bullshit. I was awake for most of the trip...the two sisters in the back slept. I didn't really mind, but I had to give it up around 4:30am. I woke up around 5ish...feeling much much much better and watched the sun rise. So lovely...I wasn't nearly as nervous anymore for some reason. I think it is the fact that I am FINALLY actually HERE!

The women we are staying with have a GORGEOUS house... I want to have a house like this when I graduate....and fill it to the brim with friends...sometimes. *sighs* I HATE being slow/late/whatever. and I absolutely DESPISE unreliable people. *SIIIGGHHS* I KNEW that I should have left around 10 like I planned on it, but.....*sighs* I shouldn't have listened to her. Now I am waiting for them to finish eating...I can't eat cuz I'm all tumbled and grumbled inside. *sighs* Ah well... I wasn’t able to get the rest of his gift so I will have to do that later.....I'm going to go outside and take some pictures here. dammit. I hope he doesn't leave.


May 30

So finally we left..and Finally I got there.. and *grins* merciful goddess he was stilll there. Hm. How/what to say? It wasn't strange or uncomfortable at all. It was just me and CAK talking. Face to face. finally. It was different, but still the same somehow. It was...weird. We went around..seeing various DC & DC metro sites. Touching....holding...him raining kisses across my back and on my arms like blessings. The chemistry was...without a DOUBT still there. After a While I couldn't/wouldn't look him full in the face while I was in front of him .... knowing that I would simply HAVE to kiss him. So we wandered about for the longest, stopping in stores and browsing and in general doing the whole tourist thing. Then we kissed in the bookstore and it was...amazing...It was so right and so fragile and *sighs* I felt like I fit him..he fit me. I had mostly (shame on me....more about that later) forgotten about my friends as we returned to his car and did just some little things *grins* but....DAMN! It wasn't really explosive like new...it was explosive like old...like something that is so amazing that it is right everytime whether it be the first time or the last. It wasn't a singular hot thing. It was a banked, steady steady fire...but still no less powerful.

*sighs* I loved the day....and wished that it would not have to end. But I knew that each moment I stayed out longer I was digging myself a deeper hole that *yeech* I would have to climb out of. *sighs* I hate being in the wrong. and I hate being unable to compose my apology. Hm... I will..as soon as the three....no four of us are together I will speak. God.. I hate being pulled between friends...I am supposed to call him today....but since these women don't even HAVE long distance....& I most likely will be out all day...he may have to wait until I get home. *sighs* Here they are.....here goes nothing.
Dammit....jazziness is NOT easy.
Well... that wasn't too bad. I cried as I always do when I am truly in the grip of something big...& bad. But my apology was accepted. I realized that saying ' I'm sorry' and apologizing are two very very different things.....But we are off....off to see alll the wonderful Gay People... Black Pride.... here I Commmmeee

May 31

Okay.... *grins* My first black pride!!! It was great..amazing.. wonderful & beautiful to see so many gay/bi/les same gender loving people.. I mean I KNEW we were out there....but it was soo good to see so many of us together. I'm sorry that I didn't have time to write yesterday during the day or once we got back, because there were so many things that I wanted to say but because of sleep/drink and general exhaustion I have lost alot of the little things that I wanted to say....but some things to note..

1) Why is it that gay men..when totally 'out' seem to be so free, unfettered by mainstream society rules, but limited at the same tie by their own?

hell Nevermind.... It is really strange being bi around gay friends. You share half of their interests (or they share half of yours as the case may be), but they and you remain totally confused about the rest. And oddly enough (or not so oddly) sometimes you simply WANT to be around folx who can understand and appreciate the double whiplash from watching a fine man and a fine woman walking down the street in opposite directions. I wished that CAK were bi, because it was odd being THIS close to him, and not being with him. I don’t know what's up with that.. the whole me & him thing. I mean goodness.. I DO love the child with all my heart...but I can/can't see us as being more than friends. I don't know. I am so turned off about relationships because I still don't know what I want. Man woman old young... *laughs* I'm taking the cowards way out and saying FUCK it... I want it alll. Also.. I hear how he talks about his ex's, and I don't ever want to be spoken of like that. And I KNOW that eventually I WOULD be an ex..because I am soooo not into monogamy right now. It would change too much..for no real benefit.
I'm running through things that I was thinking about earlier, but didn't have the time or access to my book to write down. It was crazy talking to him...because I felt like I was seeing double. The CAK that I had envisioned, and the CAK that was actually THERE. I don't know...Sometimes the two would mesh perfectly, and other times...well so. Hm..anyway.. *thinks* I am jumping from thing to thing as I remember them and I won't change what I'm writing.


Hm. He was so.. *evil grin* responsive. I don't know..I have never met anyone so delicately sensetive..no fancy tricks just the slow stroking of his side or neck and *sighhhhs* oh so lovely. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever be THAT responsive or whether my natural withdrawing would prevent that. I realllly do wish we had more time & space. I asked him to come up with a safeword....because I NEED to know when he truly wants me to STOP and when he is saying 'no' but means 'oooh lord yes'.

hm. We are waiting for AV (the driver) and the occupants of the house to come back so we can get on the road. I think that I will go outside and wander for a bit..but until I come back....

Stay Jazzed.