What Price Perfection?

For years, my goal in life was to be the perfect woman. The woman that everyne (male & female) wanted, lusted after, was oh so untainable. I tried to mold myself daintly, with the grace of a thousand years of beauty, the sleekness of a cat, and the intelligence of a wonder of gods creation. I tried to fit myslef in to what my partner believed I shouod be, meek or outgoing, sexual or prudish, bold or modest. I trired so hard, and for so long, that now that i have decided to mold myself in my own image...I find it so hard to. I fell myself bowing to what others want me to do or be, without them even saying anything. I used to pride myself on being able to predict some elses desires, and fufill that desire before it wad even fully expresed. I learned to red body language and theshifting of eyes and every tone and nuance in a voice, just to be prepared to please. Now that I wish to please myself, I have to be alone, otherwise I drip like hot wax into the mold of who ever is around me. They don't even have to express a desire for me to be a certain way, they may truly NOT care who I am or how I react, but I still change, sublty slowly into something more pleasing to them. I pick up an accent, I change the way my body moves I change my speaking patterns. All unconsiously and it isn't unitl they leave and my consious mind returns to myself do I realize what I have done.

Now that I want to be me, I find that I can barely remember who I am. Is the way I move something that I alwas did, or is it the leftovers form the bf i had who 'liked to watch me walk' ? Is my thought pattern truly mine, or is it blindly following a path that was laid by my stepfather? Is my taste in clothes hoinestly what I would wear, or has it been dictated by my mothers opinon? Where do I began and those who have influenced me end? Or is there a separation? Am I simply the sum of those influences, and that in itself creates me?

I always try to keep people pleased with me. & the worst feeling (to me) is when I know that through something that I have done, whether on purpose or not, I have upset/angered/inconvienced someone. I fell sick, stupid, lower than the lowest dirt. Thus, to avoid this I try to be perfect. Never messing up, never failing, never doing it wrong. I think that is why I left HTech. I KNEW that I would fail at it, simply because that is not what I (the real me) wanted, and so I left. Rather than fail, I quit. Is that a form of failing? *sighs* amd somehow this all wraps back around to CAK & JazzyBelle. If he knew of her, the simple fact of him knowing would change her into someone NOT her.

I tend to brood on things, constantly turning them over and trying to understand whether I am doing the right thing.. that which will bring me closer to perfection. Each step that I take changes EVERYTHING that will come, and sometimes I just have to withdraw within my self...and stop thinking about what a mess I have made of the life I never knew I had...cuz if I think about it to long... I can't


Stay Jazzed