Overload, Overload

Things I want to do with myself.....

1) Finish my freaking doula training
2) Immerse myself further - and regularly - in studying Kemetism
3) Grow 60% of our vegetables and fruits and 20% of our meat
4) Create an extremely energy effiecient house
5) Decorate our house
6) Lose weight
7) Pay off debts
8) Honor my friends/family/husband better

I think eight is enough, yes? I've been quietly muttering to myself  for WEEKS now about how much stuff I want to do/learn/be involved in, and how I most likely need to actually set up a - class schedule for myself. Cuz see, I desparately require structure and schedules, because I'm naturally a mulitasker, and if I don't have things outlined properly before I start, I end up running around like a chicken with it's head cut off - bouncing fruitlessly from one thing to another. Of course, I'm also rather talented with self-sabotage by procrastinating dreadfully as I try to 'organize' everything before I'm ready to start. Really, does all of life require such a dainty highwire act?

Looking at that list calmly, I - I honestly don't even know where to start. First, there is knowledge, then there is application. Perhaps the first thing I need to figure out is a timeline for each one..... how long am I 'giving' myself to do this stuff? Then - maybe with that outlined, I can take a breath and realize that not everything has to be done at once. So.

1) Finish my freaking Doula training.
I've got the details of what I need to do written out already - and I believe that my packet expires in April of  2007 - so that gives me a pretty solid timeline - 11 months.

2) Immerse myself further - and regularly - in studying Kemetism
I - I don't know where I want to reach with this - I honestly think that this will be an on-giong path of study from now til - forever. Let's say that my timeline here is more on scheduled time - twice a week, after work.

3)  Grow 60% of our vegetables and fruits and 20% of our meat
Another relatively long term process. I'd say I'd want to be at this point by Harvet 2009, which really, gives me all of this year to prepare the ground and pick out viable species, and next year to start growing, Harvest(s) of 2007 and 2008 to really get into the swing, and hopefully Harvest of 2009 will have me at this point. Of course - this one alone includes so much OTHER side stuff - I really do need to write all of this out.

4) Create an extremely energy effiecient house
I'd like for this to be 50% done by this winter (the stuff that requires exposure to outdoor air like replacing/recaulking windows) and then finish it this winter (like reinsulating the attic and maybe blowing some cellulose into the walls).

5) Decorate our house
Bah - you'd think this would be the easiest one - but once again, it's so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. Actually, that's not true. I KNOW that the first room we will do is going to be the library - period. The next will most likely be the downstairs bathroom - but once again, there a bit of a learning curve - need to write this out in detail too.

6) Lose weight
Gah!! Consistent, on going, always - but it's really becoming - important. Not important - crucial. I don't know how much I weigh, I really don't WANT to know how much I weigh, but I can guarentee you that I could lose 100 pounds and NOT be considered underweight. That - I'm certian of, and it - concerns me. How can I live healthily, if I'm not - healthy? I'm - I'm really not interested on going back on Atkins, largely because - I want to focus on eating real food - not soy protien/whey powdered imitations of food. If I want bread, dammit, it's going to be homemade with a smear of butter and a dab of homemade jam. I don't think that's asking for too much - *sigh* I need to find a natropathic doctor too. But - I was talking about timelines. Hm. *sighs* yet another ongoing process. Let's say - by 2007, I'll have lost 25 pounds. That's a little less than a pound a week.

7) Pay off debts
*laughs* This is actually the only one that I'm pretty - calm and confident about. Our budget has been shot all to shit since the Amazing Race trip, and our move has totally changed the baseline outflow, and hopefully C will get this other (much, much, much higher paying) job, and well - I've firmly decided that we will at least get a bit of a grasp on our income/outflow by the end of the month, and most likely over the next month tweak it a bit - but I strongly suspect that we will be out of debt (except for the mortgage) by mid 2007, if not late 2006. Okay, late 2006 is a delightfully hopeful dream, but we shall see.

8) Honor my friends/family/husband better
This one is so vague - but it's ongoing, and it's something that I MUST do. I have to get better at not just creating, but nuturing the relationships that I start. I don't quite know how - but, this is something that I must figure out.  Gah. We aren't even going to get into my nerouses around interpersonal relationships. I need a good self-help book.

Hmm... I kinda feel better. Sorta. *sighs* Okay. The ongoing things, are automatically on my platter. Relationships, Weight, Kemetism, Debt.  Then the short term stuff - Library, Doula, Knowledge of Garden type stuff.  Then, the longer term stuff - Energy Effieciency, actually growing stuff in the garden.

Ongoing stuff.... Weight will have to be addressed daily.  Relationships will have to be addressed daily. Kemetism, two days a week - back to back days - so let's say Wednesday and Thursday. Debt, once a month - maybe twice - but it's on a weekend, so let's say Sundays.
Short Term stuff.... Library should be a two, maybe three weekend project once we decide exactly what we want to do to it. So, let's say for the next week, that's my goal - dig through all of those decorating magazines/get paint books/and put together a real deisgn for the room. Doula - I have GOT to email A - I haven't talked to her in a while *sheesh* because I really knew that for the month or two that I was house obsessed, I would be screwing shit up. So, I'll email her this afternoon....then find a farking childbirth class - even if it IS the one at Baptist/Methodist this weekend. Knowledge of Garden type stuff - humph - I'll write out the full plan later today - I have a couple of book winging their way towards me, and I need to unpack the seed magazines, which are hidden in the depths of the library somewhere.
Long Term stuff - The only thing I really need to look into RIGHT now are windows. *sighs* This is an old house, and I doubt that ONE window in this house matches any other window, so yeah, this'll be fun. I wonder how hard it is to replace them yourself. Based on DIY - it's not that hard - the hard part will be finding windows that match the house - I don't want ultra modern looking windows. *makes face*

It's interesting to me - how much stuff I've started to HAVE to write down, because there just isn't enough room in my brain for all of it. Gah, I've GOT to find a good doctor. *snorts* Of course, the likelihood of him/her being covered by my insurance is laughable, but - *shakes head* I'm so not physically well.  I'm seriously about to have to ressurect my daily planner. And - I had already said that I wanted a white board in the house to keep up with stuff.

The fact....

that I can be - and am - enourmously moody - troubles me. Okay...maybe not troubles me, but it - irks me. Yes, that's it - it irks me that one moment I can be cheerful and laughing and pleasant, and the next moment I feel like running away from everyone and hiding under someone else's desk or just crying for no good reason.
And then sometimes I wonder - huh, maybe the cheerfulness is just me faking it - me,  with another one of my onion layered facades, and that the inner bits of me really are rather melancholy and withdrawn and quiet.
And then I think - no, no! That side of me is just a side effect from growing up alone and mainly within my own head, and the cheerfulness is the adult, grown up, mature flowering me.

And I think that's where the - disappointment comes from. I'm disappointed that I can't control my moods - that I can't put my finger on what causes the sudden shifts, that I can't avoid the low points and walk around them like puddles in the road. And then, of course, the disappointment allows me to drift jsut a little lower until - sproing! Suddenly, I'm normal again - or at least doing a very good job of pretending to be.

And I think the thing that irks me the most is that really - I have no room to be - sad, to be down, to be melancholy. I have a wonderful, full life - it's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but dammit, day by day it becomes a little closer.

So who is this girl inside of me with the permanently downcast eyes and constantly troubled heart? And how, precisely, do I excise her out like a bad spot on an otherwise perfect apple?

I don't know. I often think that sharing would help - but - I can't do that. I - I won't do that, because saying that I can't is - patently untrue. I could - but - I'm withdrawn. Really. It's not that I don't trust you, and you - and sometimes you - but it's just that - I don't know. It doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel right, and I won't take the risk of being judged for the chaotic emotions I have that might only be true just then.

I insist to one of my friends that I don't need affirmation from others - that I'm self contained and proud and centered in my perfectly me self so much that I don't need others suport and approval to prop me up...and I do think that's true. At the same time - the disapproval of others tears me down in instants, and while those two things shouldn't be able to be true at the same time - it's one of the reasons that I'm so withdrawn - so hidden - so internal. I can't handle criticism. And if others don't know about me, they can't criticize me, and I'm safe and contained and - comfortable in my personally created walls of exclusion.

And there have been times when I've tried to break loose - to really just hang my belly all out and let the totality of me be seen by everyone I know - and it's the most terrifying thing I've ever tried to do - and I find myself withdrawing and retreating and growing determinedly silent so that I don't step out of bounds - the bounds that I think are there, but aren't brave enough to ever actually challenge.

I try to analyze myself, to stand outside of me and turn me over in my hands and see just what the hell is really going on inside and beyond all this *waves hands madly* other stuff that I've grown like calluses on my heart - and - it's been a part of me for so long that I really don't know - sometimes I really don't know who I am, at the very root - and more importantly, I can't figure out if anything is wrong with me. No - not wrong with me - just - is there anything - that - just doesn't fit. Fit in my own perceptions of me, of course.

And I think - no, I know - that part of the problem is that I have never been able to break through the fear and let any one person know all of me - not my mother, not my best friend, not my husband - because by the time I feel safe enough to reveal my chaos  - it's too confusing for me to understand, much less someone else.  I'm - I'm trying my best to be - determinedly blunt with the new people in my life - but - silence and omission are just as hard to overcome as a blurted truth that turns into a lie a moment later.

I'm - I'm not very  emotional at all - and - when I am being emotional I feel like I'm being buffeted by storm winds that toss my certainties and beliefs from one extreme to the other, and if I whisper a word of where I'm at the next buffet will make it a lie. So I am emotional in silence, waiting until my head has done it's last calculation and my heart has confirmed that yes, this IS it's final answer - and by that time, what I've vocalized and what I feel might not sync up and - how do you retract something that was once truth and now isn't - without showing yourself to be a liar?

There should be a word for that  - something that isn't negative. Nothing as unethical as lying, or as weakminded as wishywashy - but something that says - this is what I felt then, and this is what I feel now, and both of those feelings were completely true and completely accurate and I'm just as likely to feel an entirely different way tomorrow - and without pulling something out of the DSM-IV either.

*sigh* I exhaust myself! I want to be - but I don't want to be - normal - all at once, and then I realize that each and every one of us probably does the same thing and has the same fears and wonders and worries and onion skins and we each feel just as disconnected and removed and want ever so desparately to yank of our facades and dance freely - but we're too afraid.

And - I think what irks me most of all is that I suspect the fear is groundless, and I'd be just as loved and just as smart and just as much ME without all the onion skins - but - I'm still paralyzed by - doubt. By uncertainty. By - desire to fit in, desire to be included, desire to be normal.

Bah. I don't know. Really, I don't know. The whole world is frowny and scary and dangerous and just downright MEAN sometimes and - I'm not brave enough to go out with my bare skin exposed and be me.

Friday! (flow of consiousness)

Yaaayyyyy!!! Friday. And I'm feeling all creative and shtuff... I think I might go home and play with my clay some. It's the end of a long yet quiet week. I sent out all of our mother's day cards yesterday - first time in YEARS they'll actually get done on time. Me & C are going to do something fun this weekend - still not sure what. Random notes of stuff, because I really want to leave but - AH!! How did I forget to mention this?? C got a job!! Yaaayyyy!! At this chi-chi members only club - not the position he was really looking for, but he's thrilled even more because the current chef there is willing to teach him a lot of the fine dinig knowledge he was having to pick up it bits and pieces on his own. So - that's an UTTER thrill. Maybe we'll go shopping this weekend - find that agricenter Bellisa has been telling me about. Get some soil for our herbs (which still have yet to be planted). Buy some more flowerpots. maybe go dancing - I'm in a dancing mood. though I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do as I did SOMETHING to my big toe this morning - tripped over the bath mat (it was before 7am - I'm usually still hitting the snooze button then!) and twisted my big toe all to mercy. I think I might have bruised the bone - it's tender, but very walk-on-able. ah. I don't know. We might just stay home- such homebodies we are to be two young, cheerful, social people. I have an excuse being an homeschooled only child - him, not so much except he was always the odd one is his family. Need to find a bookstore - there's gotta be a borders on Poplar somewhere. If I felt like dealing with 4pm Friday traffic Imight just drive straight down poplar (and now of course, the locations of at least two bookstores jsut popped into my mind) but I'm in too good of a loverly friday mood to bother. Hmmm....palm pilot is charging, maybe I'll get an ipod after all. hah. I'd make myself a deal and say if I started exercising I'd get one, but we all know how ell I keep deals with myself. It's sad. I'm not buying any ciggies this weekend - I'm trying to slowly wean myself off. I don't smoke in the house at all (don't want the smell to seep in the carpets) and don't smoke when C is in the car with me. I have three left, so I'll be out by tonight. We bought some lovely inscense online last night - Black Nag. It smells heavenly - to me it will always smell like our home. Always.  Drinking Dr. Pepper - nasty. Entirely too sweet - but the machine was all sold out of Diet Dr. Pepper (my usual soda of choice) and I really wanted one. Oh well. I'd like to leave now (as I was saying a long way up) but C's jub is only 10 minutes away and he is having a meeting with his chef - as soon as his chef gets out of another meeting. He's so excited - so happy - I love seeing him happy. and of course, the extra money is a thrill too. Can't wait till he's saved up enough for another car. It'll be lovely, it will. manuvering them in our driveway - maybe not so much fun, but it has to be done. I realized a few days ago that I still have the keyring from his old car (totalled) on my car key ring - speaking of which I thought I had lost my keys at PrincessaP's housewarming, and C found them deep in the bottom of my purse (precisely where logically almost anal me would have shoved them just to be safe). Must read more Pregnancy, Childbirth and the NEwborn - though it's so chockfulla info. Thinking about starting on the Doula book so that I can have something to trade off on - or maybe a thinking woman's guide to birth. So many books...I need to get more bookshelves - we still ahve two boxes of stuffed animals and a huge box of board games - I don't think I've thrown away a single game I've owned - me and my mother would play so often - I think the word games are one of the reasons I love to read so much - I've got a huge vocabulary, but can't pronounce half of them - a clear sign of a reader. Anyhow, we have these boxes and I don't want to just shove the games in the attic because then we'd certianly never play them, but I'm not sure where to put them. I was thinking maybe a set of wall sheleves over our lowbookcase, but I'm not sure - the walls seem sturdy enough (hard to drill/nail into but very secure) but I don't want 'industrial' looking brackets. Hmm.. that might be something fun to do online. Ah... need to fill the new waterbed too - it came in this tiny tiny box - me & C are still wondering if there is actually a queen size waterbed in there, but we figure that it's really flat since it's never been filled. I wonder what kind of stress tests they do on waterbeds - Consumer reports doesn't do any reviews of waterbeds and only a couple on mattresses. I've never owned a 'real' mattress, and the only one I've ever slept on that was 'mine' was a twin size at my mothers house before I went to college. Otherwise, I've had futons (wonderful things) or the waterbed (heated too, so even MORe wonderful). We need new sheet sets though - we got two with the waterbed, but they are both close to ugly. Also need a duvet for the new king size down comforter - ohh, how I love my down.

*blink* 3:35pm, on a Friday.

Goodnight.

And to all you mama's - Happy Mothers Day.

Last Minute Words

*squirms and wiggles in her chair* oh oh oh... I have like 15 minutes left of work. *sighs* It really sucks that I am a fast worker. damn damn damn. I was reading some entries by this weeks (months?) Editor's Choice and BOY! She writes the way I tend to talk to myself... but more babbly. Even I'm not THAT confusing inside my own head. But than again...how would I know if I was taht confusing...if I am talking to myself in my own head then I should know what I'm talking about right? So it wouldn't be the least bit confusing to me. *re-reads that* now THAT... was confusing. Even though something that confuses me (whne I talk to myself) is that I ask myself questions that I already know the answer to... like I am talking to another person and I was mumbling and so they didn't quite hear me. Then I start to answer them...and realize just how crazy this is that I am telling myslef the answer to a question that I just answered. Um. That was REALLY twisty.
I would take a cab home just cuz I realllly miss my house and it's all cold a grey outside, but I'm going to be good girl and catch the bus. It's really messed up...the weather that is. Yesterday it was all nice a sunshiny and warm, and today it's all grumpy and grey and cloudy and cold.. *shivers* br br br...I did go out for lunch today though. We went to this hole-in-the-wall mexican place which makes just the BEST mexican food ever. I had a nice taco salad (lots of greenery) and some rice water to drink. I really wanna know what is in the rice water. I would try to make it at home, but that would most likely be an utter waste of both rice and water. Hmm... I think I am going to bake some bread tonight too... and of course all this is based on justh ow tired I am going to be (or not be when I get home). Another thing about myself that drives me up the wall is the fact tha I can be in that just right spot of sleepiness at work.. wher you KNOW that is you fell asleep just then your dreams would be all interesting and colourful and the like... but by the time I get home I am alert and awake and alive. And for some rason I can never quite reach that almost perfect state of sleepiness when I am at home. I just get dead, can't-keep-my-eyes-open-and-would-start-to-cry-if-I-had-to kind of sleepy... which at home demands that you immeadiately crawl into the bed and crash for at least 6 hours. hmmm...as my legs have been rather slow and wobbly all day.. I think I better start packing up to go.

Stay Jazzed.

hotheaded Paisan

So.. right.... yeah.... that is what I am saying okay??

Long day. Long long long day. Icky long day. Head hurts. I think that this will be a flow of consciousness entry because I can’t focus enough to actually turn it into something real... my mind is going much much faster than my fingers can follow.. I want to start doing yoga.. to shape my body into something like clay.. I want to weigh 120 pounds just to see what it feel like to be that small.. I want to grow up like yesterday. I finally got my money from the fools at my school and I have books.. but will I start to read them and catch up on the almost a month worth’s of reading I am behind on?? Oh no never that.. instead I Think I will sit here and mourn the woman I used to be who wrote with such fire and passion on fury that I can’t even imagine being able to touch now... I have been cheating on my diet and my entire body is making me pay. My head hurts my bra too tight my booty shake from left to right go head ah ah go head ah ah... anyhow I am trying to decide if I want to submit one of my stories somewhere.... it is the only short story that I have that I really like... I wrote the story from a dream I had and it always grabs me.. I am not sure if it is because I am the writer or if it is just a good story.. I don’t know... and when I show it to my friends they are all like cool nice.. or interesting.. damn it I need a real critic... someone who can tell me that the storyline sucks or that the character is unreal or that it is too raw without being harsh at all or SOMETHING other then your usual mush mouthed replies. *sighs* flow interrupted.. damn AIM....... Tashi tashi tashi... how does your flowers grow?? I don’t know what I will do with or about that woman... gotta luv her tho... you just gotta... no choice in the matter... *sighs* I want to have babies... round cheecked children who look nothing like me and who will grow and remind me of how time has passed... I want a job in Atlanta that will pay me what I think I am worth and not what the market offers... I need some time ..to free my mind.. I need some time.. to free my mind... hmm hmm hmmm.. my neck hurts.. my head hurts .. and I have a 9 o clock class tomorrow .. I don’t wanna..dammit why Do I have to go to school.. I wanna be free.... for a little while at least...
this is cool just pouring out whatever is inside.. might to make any sense but damn it feels good....

Stay Jazzed.

Stream of Madness

bored Bored bored.... don't wanna go upstairs.... I don't wanna grow up I'm a toys r us kid.. neverdid go shoping for tha dildo... can't really afford itanyway.. I wonder how long i will stay celibate...Q asked to bemy 'back door man' *giggles* he seems to be such a sweet heart.. tho he has a bit of a temper....he was in jail for amed robbery.....*sighs* he is a 5%'er..he doesn't have dreads.. i realized that i only like women with natural hair.. perms are icky to me somehow...and god knows ghetto hairdos are in serious need of some fashion sense... fashion. i need some new clothes.. i need to lose weight.. i am not buying anymore clothes until i lose more weight my...my mommy might take me shopping. i miss my mommy.. i miss my aunt.. i wsh she was still around.. SHIT.. i need to call my grandmother hmm hmmm hmmm need to buy a phone card I am the goodie box the goodie box queen the goodie box queen. i am the goodie box queen the goodie box queen I am.. i wonder if we will sleep together... i have to kiss him.. no matter what.. I wonder if I have choice will the chemistry survive... everything happens for a reason..they say.. i need more money...target hasn't called me back yet... swish thump swiwh thump swish thump....sleepy sleepy sleepy...swish thump swish thump swish thump..if it was cleaner outside of the laundormat i would lay on the ground and soak up the sun.... it's gonna rain on yo heeeeaaaddd.....nap? no at work......hm hm hm..... pre period time allways makes me sleepy OH SHIT. hmph. guess we won't be doing THAT then will we....ah well... saving the best for last or later... hm hm hm.....stream of consounes... more like a burble. .burble bubble waters in trouble.. .hmmmm... piee...*laughs* I love you.. you love me.. we're a happy family...seduction is a dangerous game....*sighs* damn i wish i was awake enough to write.....dammit to 'ell.