The Mirror Lies

It's really been a struggle for me - acknowledging how large I am. 

I'm doing some new 'stuff' with my hair, and I decided to take a few side/profile shots of myself - and my god! I recognized my ears, and my hair - but whose puffy, flabby face is that? And why is it so BIG? 

My husband and I recently brought a house, and our real estate agent always takes pictures of her customers at closing to use in testimonials - and she included a copy of the picture - and - who IS that? The huge face with the deep creases around the nose and mouth when I smile (all fat). The outfit that I THOUGHT looked so cute looking like - who did what, and WHY, dear god, WHY? 

I try to sit outside for a few minutes every afternoon - just to soak up some sun and warm up. The bench that I sit on is right in front of a plateglass windows, which insure a good reflection. Somedays, I just look at myself - seeing the rolls on the back, and the width of my upper arm (it's as wide as my hand!) and the generally blobby apperance - and I'm honestly shocked. Who IS that woman? Where did she come from? How long have I not noticed that she's been here? 

 

The mirror lies. I'm not sure if it's the delicate forgiveness my eyes give the image transmitted back from the glass, or if it's a illusion built of movement and personality - but, the mirror LIES.  

I've trusted the mirror for years - I'm not a vain woman, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do try to look - neat, clean and nice. Professional, even, and generally cute & attractive.  The mirror has supported me all these years, soothed me when the scale creeped, reassured me when comparing myself to others - but it lied to me.  

Pictures, on the other hand - tell the truth. My god - it just hit me that I'm BACK at the weight where I was last time I took 'progress' pictures. I can't find the skimpily dressed ones, but here is how far I came, went, and retreated. 

I don't think I'm QUITE as big as I was in the first picture - but I could be wrong.  I've thrown (or given) away all of those clothes - well, not - actually I haven't. I have one dress left from then - it was a long linen dress, and I refused to get rid of it (I was plotting on making a skirt from it) and that dress is a bit tighter than I would like it to be.  I think it's a size 22.  

*sighs* That girl in the second picture - that WOMAN in the second picture - that's my vision of me - of what I look like - no matter HOW much I weigh.  And the mirror concurs.  

I've decided that I'm going to HAVE to take pictures to see the truth.  I'm not going to try to take them every week - I think I'll take a picture every month.  And I want it to be a nice picture - a picture that I can bring to work with me, so that I can post it in my cubicle for inspiration.  I'm going to post one on the wall next to my alarm clock so that I can see it when I wake up, and it will encourage me to get out of bed and workout in the morning.  

*sighs* I feel oddly tired. *sighs* Maybe tired isn't the right word - I feel - deflated. Not - worthless, not - despondent, but deflated. Frustrated?  Maybe, maybe not. It's - it's - I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm disappointed that I was doing SO well, and then just - backslid. Was it the stalling weightloss? Was it the frustration with the limited food selections on Atkins? Was it just - oversecurity because the mirror lies, and I tend to avoid pictures like the plague (Hmmm, I wonder why THAT is??)??? I don't know - but I'm NOT going to let it happen again.  

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.  I made a bad choice (to stop eating healthy, to stop working out, to stop treating myself the way I deserve to be treated) and I've learned - ouch, have I learned. 

The mirror lies.