backsliding....

He called me at work today, and apologized for being an ass. My instant reaction was to tell him that he wasn't being an ass, but I did that because just hearing him 'You know I love you, right?' was enough to make me tear up, and since I left my cell phone home - I REFUSE to cry in public at work. Refuse.

But - we've spoken, at least. Even if it was for five seconds. And - that's a tiny little chink in the wall of - whateverthehellitis - that was between us. And yes, I'm going to take mad advantage of that chink, and see if we can't at least start acting like lovers, instead of roomates who are pissed off at each other.

He's been sleeping downstairs for almost a week - it's a rather twisted way of putting me in the doghouse - don't kick me OUT of bed, just never join me there. And every morning when I woke up alone, I got more and more pissed. He was treating me like he didn't love me, because we weren't having sex. But - the logic of that totally escapes me - as treating me like I'm not your wife (your lifepartner) isn't going to make me MORE affectionate - it's going to piss me off. And somehow this morning, I kinda snapped. I asked him if I could kiss him goodbye (one thing that I ALWAYS do - I kiss him goodbye before I go to work, and I kiss him goodnight before I go to bed - I've got to be rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeallllllllllllllly pissed before I don't do that - and I think that's only happened once - but I usually don't ask), gave him a peck, then slammed the front door on the way out.

After a while, I don't feel guilty anymore, I feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated. And oohh... I don't react well to manipulation of any type. But - where's the line between him expressing his feelings, and him being manipulative? Is it too much of me to ask him that he acts/treats me the same way whether we are having sex or not? I'm very - serious about financial security - and he hasn't had a job for almost six months - and I treat him EXACTLY the same if he has a job or not. But my husband having (and keeping) a job is very very important to me - but I don't emotionally punish him for when he's out of work - cuz I'm not into that. I'm not into humiliation or disipline of another adult person. Hell, I'm not into inflicting purposeful emotional discomfort on ANYONE for any reason. And - he's not nearly as 'tender' as I am. For him to call me selfish, he's a hell of a lot more selfish - consiously - than I ever could be.

But. He's admitted that he's been an ass. And the relief of that chink is almost enough for me to backslide and think that maybe we CAN do it on our own. But I know that's just me lying to myself, and if we don't get someone else in the mix, 3 months from now, I'll be writing the same entry again. So.

Dammit. I left my phone at home. *sigh* I guess I'll have to call the nurse back tomorrow - what kind of pre-appointment questions do they ask? Maybe I can talk to her at my desk? But - I don't want to....just in case I have to get a little more blunt than I want my coworkers to know about.

I think I might tell him about the therapist tonight. maybe. depends on whether he's still being an ass.

Bastid.