There's a saying - something about fearing your own light?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I'll be sitting here, and reading something online (as I tend to do for most of the day) and my heart will go 'squish' and my palms will get sweaty, and my eyes will get that 'almost-maybe-kinda-wanna-cry' feeling, and I have to take deep breaths and find an inspirational song just to keep going.
And it really sucks, because beyond every reason that I ever give for not standing up, sweeping all my tchoktes into a box, and dropping off my ID as I walk past my notbosses' desk is fear. Not fear of not being able to pay my bills. Not fear of getting evicted. Not fear of not having high-speed cable (the horror!). But a deep, gut centered fear of failure. A fear of actually standing up and claiming that I am grownup, and I am able, and I am tenacious, and I am free of any expectations besides those I place on myself. Nothing is scarier to me than disappointment. Nothing breaks my heart faster than me disappointing others, or others disappointing me. And the thought - the very idea that I might truly fail and disappoint myself - is painful - and terrifying.
I have a hard time believing in myself. I have - doubts. I fear that the light I think I have is just a lie that I've told myself for so many years that I've forgotten what the truth is. And I'm utterly and completely terrified that I'll try to stand and walk my own path, and I'll fail royally, and I'll never even be ABLE to work up the nerve to try again - and then what will I do?
But at the same time, the thought that I might never be a mother/midwife/writer is so foreign to everything that I ever thought I was and could and can be - it's - terrfiying. But - the thought that I might not be who I should be is still less scary than the thought of trying to be what I should be - and failing.
Am I really willing to passively give away my spirit because of my fear rather than potentially throwing away the material aspect of my life in a big noble gesture of hope and determination?
No. and, Yes - if we are still being honest. I'm not - ready. Really, I'm not. And what scares me even more is that I don't know if I'll ever develop the bravery to be ready. And - that disappoints me.
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