Life

I feel like I should write. Not for you guys (though I'm certain you're hanging on my every word), but for me.

I feel like I should be taking pictures and singing in the rain and dancing for no apparent reason - like I should be doing these things, you must understand, not that I want to.

I don't want to be at work - only 48 minutes left, and I don't want to come back tomorrow, despite work having been - well, for the job that it is, it's been pretty darn sweet.

My life is dull, I think. It's wonderful and it's peaceful and it's lovely and it's occasionally (more frequently than I would like to admit) lonely, but - in general - it's dull.

No. Dull isn't the right word. It's dull like the ocean on a still day. It's dull like a perfectly cloudless sky. It's dull like a dead tree, carved and sharpened by sand.

The little things perk me up - like C bringing home meatloaf, or finding the perfect pair of earrings or hearing my favorite song.

And it's not like it's a rut either. And for once, I can say it's definitely not limbo.....it's just my life. And perhaps I've gotten to used to it - but I not (looking around for the tricksy hand of the gods) ASKING for it to be shook up, just to be clear. A wee shake-up would be very nice, and much appreciated, though.

I'm going to get a tattoo this weekend, I think.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I realized (in one of those melodramatic flashes of insight), that I'm unbalanced - tattoo wise, and being wise. I - I can't walk that delicate middle line - social, but not to social, open but not too open, wise but not a smartass, silly but focused, eager but cautious. And I want to walk that line - I'm not asking for it to be easy - but I would like to feel a bit less like a drunken sailor.

Anyhow. The only tattoo I have right now is fire.... and to balance it, I'm going to get three more - water, earth, and air. Water is going to be my next one - perfectly balancing fire (which is on my right hip) by being on my left hip. After that, I suspect me & C might finally get our 'matching' tatts, if I can ever finish designing them.

Then Earth, low on my back, right over my spine. Then Air, on my shoulders.

I don't know how long it will take me, but I know it feels enourmously right. I got fire first, oh so many moons ago, because I felt like I lacked passion. I've learned, over that time, that I don't lack in passion in the least - I just wasn't trying to bring my passion to bear on the RIGHT things. Now, I feel like I'm ready to accentuate ALL of my aspects.

My hair, she is growing.

My ass, is shockingly enough, staying the same damn size (too large) without me fighting to keep it there. Even MORE relieivingly, my 'stable' weight is ten pounds LESS than it used to be. Go figure. We have almost finished putting together the fitness room - I need to order another packages of matting, and we need some fans and an A/C unit, and then I can start working on reducing the size of my ass.

My garden, she is growing like wild things - the cukes and the pumpkins are plotting on how to take over the world, the sunflowers are taller than me, the strawberries are finally producing (though, I don't think I like them, and might buy a new strain next year) the peppers are moving slow, and all of the tomatoes I PLANTED flipped me the bird - but a volunteer from LAST year showed up. It is green, and glorious, and dear god, I'm never going to want to eat another cucumber again.

(left side is pumpkins, right side is cukes). At least I can freeze pumpkin puree.

C is doing wonderfully, working his ass off and his heart out and really making that hotel BETTER. And he loves every minute of it. We've been together for almost seven years, and it feels like barely the blink of an eye. We still ain't perfect, but I never even pictured we would be this close to it.

The FatCat is still ruling the roost - though we think he encountered a snake a while ago, as he was skittish as all get out - he damn near levitated when I shifted the hose suddenly, and he's met a dog (and learned that the tops of cars are wonderful places to hide, much to C's dismay) but he still thinks he's the shit. And of sweet heavens, he's shedding like a..... like a.... like a double coated cat in 90+ degrees temps who spends equal amounts of time outside and in an unairconditioned house, and if I ever get into the yarn/spinning thing, I could totally make a sweater. A full body sweater.

The house... well. This has been the last thing we've worked on.

Going from this:

to this:

One thousand, four hunded, and twenty, if you were wondering how many books there were. And I still need/want/crave/desire more. I've come out of the book dragon closet, and I'm proud, dammit.

So. See? It's life. It's quiet, and peaceful, and comfortable and calm, and as much as I dance on the edge of wanting a sudden squall to sweep there - I'm happy - really happy - as it is.

How YOU doin'???

Between Buddaphlyy and Just_Isabel I might actually update on a regular :laugh:

And WHY must there be hair drama? *shakeshead* This is one of the reasons why I went *poof* for a while - there was so MUCH drama (con.stant.ly) on another hair board that I was/am on, that I just got sick of hair... :laugh: or at least sick of others peoples ISSUES with hair. *sigh*

Anyhow - checked the freezer last night, and I have a whole POUND of FNWL henna still in powder form, so YAY! for that.

I've managed to not buy anything new on eBay yet - I'm drooling over some stone dangles at Kona. *sigh*

Well, it's been a NICE little while since I last updated. As usual, I'll start with hair, and move to holes.

My hair is - it's amazing, really. It's slowly turning into something - someting wonderful. It's growing (man, is it growing!) but more importantly, it FEELS happy. I was just reading my last journal entry, and realized that this weekends henna is supposed to be a henna/coconut/lime mix - hrm, that should be interesting. I can't remember if I left any henna powdered, like I was supposed to! *slaps forehead* I'll go home tonight and check.

Okay - pictures!

February to June comparison:



I posted this in my photo journal, and several people commented that it looked thicker and shinier (and obviously longer) and it IS. It's MUCH thicker - I'm not sure if it's just as it gets longer, it 'poofs' more, or what - but it's WAY thicker than it was - but it still compresses down to about nothing. It's also shinier - that, I assume is the combination of continual henna'ing and jsut general improvement in it's overall health.
When it's wet, it's - wavy - really, and it LAYS DOWN. I'm sure KeenKitty will talk about me flashing again ( :laugh: ) but I'll have to take a fresh out of the shower picture jsut to show what I'm talking about - hrm, I think I'll do a before/after picture this weekend for the HLC treatment.

It's also gotten ALMOST long enough (if I twist right on the edge of my crown) that I can put my hair into two flattwists down either side of my head. I haven't been able to do that since I cut the last of the bleach/dyed hair out.
It's interesting, because the nape hairs don't seem INSANE long anymore - but they aren't SHORTER than they used to be, the rest of my hair has just caught up.

Hrm. I ran out of the Creme of Nature stuff that I had been using in my hair, and forgot to pic up a new container, so desparate, I broke into the Hair Souffle that I had tried before and hated. I don't remember WHY I hated it (I'll have to scan back and see if I talk about it) but it ROCKED on my hair Sunday. I have two WHOLE containers of it, and it's rich, so I only need to use a little bit, so if my hair seems happy when I take it down this weekend, I'll continue to use that.

*thinks* What else, what else? I'm starting to see breakage again, and I think it might be the MTG I was putting in my mister - so I'm stopping that once I empty out the last of this mister bottle (tomorrow or Thursday, I'm sure). The breakage isn't NEARLY as bad what I was getting before, and I've noticed that if I don't 'swish' my hair around (I take it out, comb it straight back, condition it straight back, dentangle straight back, and then twist/braid as needed) it stays MUCH less tangled, and seems happier, in general.

Or, it could be that I've skipped my protien treatments the last two months - hrm, maybe my hair is getting TOO soft. I need to read back and see my logic for determining when my next HLC treatment would be - as to me, that works as an INTENSIVE protien treatment. I think doing it every other month - even skipping the week 3 protien treatment, might be overkill. *Thinks*

Month 1 - HLC/no protien
Month 2 - henna/no protien
Month 3 - henna/protien
Month 4 - henna/no protien
Month 5 - HLC/no protien

Hrm - that's kinda spread out - I would only do a HLC twice a year on that schedule - I think I wanted to it it every 3 months..... I'd much rather do that treatment, and just totally dump the week 3 protien treatment, and replace it with something else.
Hrm. I've also been kinda 'skimping' on the clarifying on week 4 - I REALLY don't use much in my hair (though, I've started back with the Burnt Sugar this week, so I'll definitely need to clarify) - so I haven't felt the need to 'strip' my hair. If anything, I've mixed a wee bit of BS with my conditioner, and run that through my hair RIGHT before I henna.

So, if I dump the protien treatment it would be -
Week 1 - Henna
Week 2 - Deep conditioner (Still in love with the Elasta - though, I've started 'craving' something new.....)
Week 3 - ????
Week 4 - Clarifying, if needed, otherwise another DC

and

Month 1 - HLC
Month 2 - Henna
Month 3 - Henna
Month 4 - HLC

Hrmm.. moisture/protien balance is the crucial thing. I don't want to over moisturize (and shockingly enough, I think my hair is getting to the point where that MIGHT be a possibility) and I KNOW my hair gets grumpy REAL quick if I over protein. Hrrrm.
Maybe I'll start experimenting with various herb washes/treatments on Week 3 - that might be fun.

I totally stopped using the Lenzi's Request - *shrug* it jst seemed to be more of a headache than it was worth. I has started using the MTG I got in a swap - shaking up the bottle, dipping a qtip into it, and just dabbing alng my hairline. I did that for about three weeks, didn't see any change, and was like - screw it. So, that's that for the topical treatments - I'm so happy to see my hair GROWING, that the speed is - eh. It'll happen as it happens, ya know?

*LOL* I have flyaway hairs that are long enough to get into my EYES when I'm driving - not many, mainly from that odd section of hair right behind my ear, but it's throughly amazing and amusing all the same.

[b]Okay! Holes! [/b]

I've stretched up to 6g! The jump from 8 to 6 has been the MOST painful one - my left ear seemed okay with it, then it went all wonky, my right ear was PISSED from the start, and once the left ear went wonky, decided it was satisfied and healed totally in like two days. :eyeroll: Anyhow! I'm wearing 'small' 6g's in my ear now - lemme see if I can dig up the pic... Ah! Found it!

I call them small 6's because of the way they taper in the middle - I liked that, because I figured it would help keep them in my ears at night (snort, that TOTALLY doesn't work - I still wake up every morning missing at least one), but I know my ears can ACCOMODATE a 6g, because I have to slide the 'thick' bit through to get there.
I LOVE these - they are heavy and curly curvy, and just lovely.
I still have 10g in my second holes - I'm debating taking them up to an 8g - but I'd have to find SMALL earring to go there. I had a perfect set of spirals, but one got sucked into a black hole in my bedroom somewhere (I went to bed wearing two, woke up wearing one, and haven't been able to find it since) so my second holes are mismatched - but I don't mind - it's funky. And, it gives me a way to use that non-mirror image set of short helixes I got - a spiral in one ear, and a helix in the other.

I'm itching to buy some new 6g stuff - I've experimented with horn earrings, and I really don't like them - at least the ones I've had - because they are too LIGHT. I like the feel of something substanial dangling from my ears - it makes me feel grounded.
I want to try some wood, but I suspect they will feel too light too.

And I think I'm ALMOST ready for a set of goddesses. Oooohhh. But, I msut go a wee bit more ebay crazy, first. :laugh:

I thnk that about wraps it up... I'mREALLY going to try to be better about posting/hanging out here - it's just that truly - besides the CONDITION of my hair - nothing's changed. I've hit that wonderful place where stuff WORKS, and I know what to do when it DOESN'T work, and - :grouphug: I really owe MOST of that to the wonderful folx here.

Thanks ya'll, on the real.

10:25

Sick.

Nervous.

In shock.

Scared.

It's not the OMG/happy/joyful feeling that I expected.

It's - shit, I'm shocked. Amazed. Astounded. All of these emotions swirling around, and none of them that I can look at and peg - happy.

Holy Fuck, I'm pregnant. Or, at least that's what this faint pink line is telling me. 3 cycles, and I'm still not ready. Or, maybe I am ready, but I just don't believe, just yet? Or, maybe I'm afraid that it's a chemical, I'll have a miscarriage, the baby will be deformed.....something.

One. Tiny. Fucking. Line, and my whole world has gone 'atilt'. And..... I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm not telling C until Sunday - Happy Fathers Day, Love!

I wanted to know before I told him, so that I could - come to grips with this. My life as I've known it is going to change radically at some point in Late Feb. And I'm terrified. It's going to change to the life I think I want - the life I've been telling myself I want - and I'm SCARED.

That's what it is. The joy and the celebration, and the OMG!!! YES!! is cloaked by this level of fear - will I be a good momma? Will I really be happy at home? Will we be in the poorhouse by June? I'm scared shitless, and it's a gray cloud hiding the sun of......

And it's so damn faint - hopefully it will get darker, and darker, and darker. Though, it IS only 11DPO. So.

Oh my god.

I'm pregnant.