Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.

I'm on the VERGE of tears at work because Twin1 on my team is doing her usual thing of taking over anything she touches and excluding everyone but Twin2, and I was dreadfully embarassed when someone came to me for an update, and I had that 'caught in the headlights' look.

Do I think she's doing it on purpose? I don't know - she's always been like this (and always the loudest one complaining about how BUSY she is) so no, I don't think she's trying to sabatoge me. She's doing a bloody good accidental job of it, though.

This week has simply sucked, basically. C is being - funny. I don't know what the heck is up with him, and he's made some new online buddy, and.......

Gods, I'm so tired of - just everything. It feels so fucking POINTLESS, and I don't know why. I'm truly just going through the motions because I don't know what else TO do. The delirious fantasy of quitting has danced though my head on a daily basis this week - which, among choices I've made (or considered making) that would be pretty high on the dumbasfuck scale...

It's gotten so bad, that this morning driving to work, I understood why so many people - esp. the opressed & downtrodden, fall so hard for the concept of a perfect Heaven. It gives an ending to the bullshit - and the promise that after you finish plodding through it all, you'll be rewarded. Just KNOWING that there is an end in sight makes suffering through anything easier.

Hrm. Even the potential of there being an end makes me feel better. I feel - very trapped, lately.

And fuck me sideways, this moodswings are INSANE. I don't even feel like writing anymore, because I feel better.

*tear*

Can I has my brain back, plz? kthx.

I feel like shit, and I don't know why (and that about sums up my mood).

I'm tired - oh, by the gods, how tired I am, all the time. Getting out of bed is almost tear inducing - and I'm sure my weekend shift to an almost totally nocturnal schedule does NOT bloody help - but it seems to be the only thing that allows me to feel rested.

Work is - pissing me off. No, it's not. It's stressing me out, but it's not, either. It's - it's - I don't know. I don't have words for what it's doing, because I don't think it's doing anything different, and I don't have words for how it's making me feel, because I don't have any but sad. Pointless. Pressed thin and blown away. Not really emotions, but that's how I feel.

So, I sit in my corner, and bury my head (and my ears) and plod through the days....and plodding not always a bad thing, I'm just - I'm just tired of feeling like an old mule.

I don't know. Is it the end of winter blues? Is it PMS? (Hey, I'm on CD26 - miracles could be possible!). I don't know. And I can't explain it to C, which makes me even GRUMPIER, as gods but we feed off of each others emotions.

Murph.

Stupid meeting.

Maybe more later.

Rodeo

Whooohooo!!

Mood swings galore!

Repressed tears!

No good reason!

Had ice cream last night - wonder if that bothered my hormones. And seriously, is it even possible to have an allergic reaction that screws with hormones? I mean, really?

*headthump*

Whatever it is, I don't bloody want to be here (I don't really want to be anywhere, (contrary, much?) but if I HAD to be somewhere, unconsious in my bed would be the best choice, personally.

I hate, hate, hate feeling like this. Just - pointless. That's what it is.

I think I'll work on my defining moments more - I'm already miserable feeling, a little retroactive misery on top of that won't be too bad.

*sigh*

Hi. My name's Eeyore.

fragile

So many things have me feeling fragile, lately.



Second Realm is chipping at my boundaries, and I like it about as much as I'm terrified of it. This book (Self Matters) is rather - pointed in it's utter disregard for holy cows or boundaries of any sort. I'll have to start devoting more time to the homework - my usual habits of procrastination are serving me poorly, to be honest.



TTC'ing is - going. It's taken on it's own sort of rhythm now, I think - a sort of ebb and flow of anticipation, hope, and depression. My own personal rollercoaster ride.



We've officially been refered to a fertility specialist - our appt with him will be right in the middle of our 'official' TTC for a year cycle - how ironic, eh?



So far, I've checked out clear - C, on the other hand, had 'low volume'. We haven't been able to pin down if they were complaining about the sample size, or if they are directly refering to the swimmers. We'll find out in a month or so, I suppose.



The seasons are changing too - warmth coming back (the crocuses have sprouted! - I promise to take a picture of them draped in ice), and - I don't know.



There's a sad sort of sweetness draped over everything - a semi-consious awareness of the fragility of EVERYTHING - and it's not - usual for me. My heart is tender and exposed and while it's quite delightful, it's most disquieting at the same time.



I've been spurting bits and pieces of creativity in the form of an official hairblog (thanks for going down, LHC - otherwise, I might have never left the nest), and I'm - I'm looking forward to starting to write. I can't even say starting to write again, because I don't think I ever really wholeheartedly STARTED.

*sigh*

So - life is well. It's good. I'm looking forward to it getting better.