:waving:

Howdy!!!

Haven't been doing much with my hair, as usual - though, I have learned a new technique, that while it hasn't revolutionized how I deal with my hair - I think it's the tweak I needed to keep things on track.

Ive started (thanks to the wise suggestion of Sareca!) to condition my hair DRY - with a little bit of heat. It didn't make sense (still, doesn't, actually) but it works SOOO much better - my hair feels - richer? smoother? and definitely more moisturized. I don't actually own a hair heating device, so I'm using a warm towel on my head instead - it's the closest I'll get, and honestly, I'm not totally certain that it's needed.

Anyhow - it's shifted how I do things. Instead of taking my hair down, getting it wet, detangling, putting in conditioner, leaving it in overnight, detangling again, rinsing out, moisturizing, putting into fat braids to dry, taking down, combing again, and then putting it into my weekly style (gah, that sounds so complex) I now just - take my hair down, put in conditioner, detangle, put into fat braids, rinse out conditioner, let dry, take down, put in my weekly style. And, my hair is actually long enough that I can turn my fat braids into a style that I can wear out in public without shame.

So. Urm.

Ah! I need to take another picture of my temples - looking at those pictures from March, I really do think that they have filled in A LOT - still not as lush as I want them to be, but I think that the care I'm taking of my face (and by extension, the skin of my hairline) will make a big difference - I've managed to (FINALLY) cut down on the freaky flakies on my face, and I'm hoping it'll make a difference to the leath of my hairline. So. I'll take a new picture at the end of next month, and compare it to the pictures from March, and just see the difference.
I suspect that a lot of the thinness was just from the stress that my dreads put on my hairline - five years of tiny locs pulling (and sometimes ripping) the already amazing fine hairs of my hairline has definitely made a difference. *sigh* Have I meantioned how incredibly NOT patient I am? :laugh: And my back hairline (behind my ears and all the way back) is SOOO lovely and full and - just nice. *sigh* I can't wait for all my hair to be like that.

I also updated my hair profile thingy - I really need to change my hair type to a straight up 4a - I wish they had a 3c/4a combo, but that's okay. I changed the length to reflect TLHC's standards, even though I really think it's - skewed, as of COURSE the hair along my nape, if stretched out, and added to the size of my head, is going to make my hair 'longer' than it really is. I really think that measuring the length of the strands themselves is more accurate (esp. for someone like me who has a BIG head of strands which are generally all the same length which = layers) them measuring from hairline to bottom of the longest strand at the nape.
Let's put it this way - measuring strands of hair (which to me, is usuable hair length) is seven inches, or so. My 'TLHC' length is 17 inches - and my head is about 16 inches. See - I told you I have a big head. :laugh: I guess it's just that - heck, it seems like I should be able to make a ponytail with 17 inches of hair, but with the size of my head - that's a total no go. I'm thinking - 16 inch head, I need at least 8-9 inches of hair to be able to pull it all together (which would translate into about 20 inches) and at least 12 (24-26 inches) to really be able to start doing nice buns, etc..... but then, having just done a quick measurement check, that's about halfway between SL and APL, which, really is about the point in time that most people really ARE able to pull their hair up. *sigh* Let's see, count bald from May 2006, and I've gotten to 16 inches in - 16 months - that's a 'virtual' inch a month, which really is AMAZING growth. In strand length, I'm at more 1/2 an inch a month. *sigh* So - that should mean that I would be at full sholder length in another 8-10 months, or so - that's not bad - in fact, that's right fair growth for two years. *stops my whinging*

In ear news.... *sigh* I think I'm going to go up to a four. *shakeshead* The 6g just isn't BIG enough anymore - even the 2g I have in the car that I thought was just HUGE when I first got it, is now - murph, not too bad at all. And, I think that I'm slowly growing away from the NEED to have dangles, and if I graduate to plugs - well, a 6g plug ain't shit, really. *sigh* So, yeah.

I might do some eBay browsing tonight.

10:09

I am falling into one of my worst habits, extrapolating doom.

Or, maybe it's one of my best habits, when kept in check.

I don't know.

But - I didn't expect the reaction I got.

*sigh*

I don't know.

He suggested - on a Friday night, where he has to get up early, and I usually stay up late - that we play the sex cards.

No.

He asked me when I was going to come to bed (as I'm messing with my hair, as I USUALLY do on a Friday), and when I asked why, he said because he's been wanting to play the sex cards.

Which, ya know, he has....but it's not like we haven't been having sex, without the cards even.

Of course, the first time he mentioned them, he said he wanted to play cards, and I got SO excited because I thought he wanted to spend time with me not associated with TV or sex.

But no.

He wanted to play sex cards.

And, so my next yeah (as I've promised MYSELF to keep my no's down to periods when I would truly feel violated by having sex) wasn't nearly as enthuased as the card playing one was.

He retracted, and we played two rounds of cards. One. Two. I won one, he won the other.

Anyhow, that was about - a week? week and a half ago? In between that time, there's been the 'letter'.

And my response, which I'm still too much of a pussy to send - and let him read.

*sigh*

Anyhow.

He asks me tonight, when I'm coming to bed, and I say not too late.

And then...

Maybe that's where I messed up.

I suggested a delay.

Because, ya know, I'm getting poked with needles and swallowing 30 odd pills a day in an attempt to try to get pregnant, and ya know, the problem might NOT even be me.

And ya know, since we had sex THIS MORNING (once again, wasn't worth my saying no), and Fertell requires a two day 'hold', I figured - hey! We can hold off, I can finish my hair, he can get the rest he needs, he can take the test Sunday, and we can play the cards Sunday night.

I mean, obviously, he'll have no problem getting it up twice a day, as that's what he suggested tonight.

'How about we play Sunday night?'

Mild look of - what? Disgust? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Sulk? crosses his face.

'Fine.'

He looks upset, still.

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday morning?'

'What?'

He's already got the upset/withdrawn look on his face. I'm wondering - did he not hear me? Did he not understand?

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday Morning?'

'What does that have to do with me?'

I just look at him. What - I couldn't even understand the question - what does it have to do with him? Huh?

I begin to explain, and he cuts me off - now, very withdrawn, very upset, very cold.

'Fine.'

I look at him, hoping for something more. He stares back.

"You know that means you can't cum for two days?....."  I ask uncertainly.

'I know, that's why I said Fine.'  Short, now. Brusque. Cold. Withdrawn.

I don't understand. Maybe - maybe he's scared of the results, and that's his only way of expression. Maybe, despite having sex four times in the last week, he thinks I'm trying to dodge him. Maybe...... I don't know. Maybe he has changed his mind, and doesn't want to have kids. Maybe he has no CLUE how important and heartfelt this - journey - that I'm really walking alone - to have children is to me.

I don't know.

But - I'm tired of crying in front of him. I'm tired of crying because of him. I'm - tired, really. I don't have the energy (or according to him, the right) to fight anymore, so why even bother?

I hate love, I think.

We go on, I determine that I'm not going to bed anytime soon, and he starts watching the end bit of a movie.

Silence.

Stiff, silence.

I decide that I'm also in no mood to eat. *sigh* One carryover, I can identify, no, pinpoint clearly.

he gets up, to go to bed, and I get up to refresh the hot towel on my head. He begins telling me about his day tomorrow - long hours, again, as usual. I don't geel the usual surge of love and gratitude - more a cloak of relief that I'll be able to avoid the coldness for at least a day. I wonder - should I be TRYING to have children with him? Is it worth it? Am I repeating my mothers mistakes?

I tell him my plans for Sunday - he's off, but has to go in, and I wanted to let him know when I would be out of the house so that maybe he would time it. I explain, briefly, Mabon, and he says......yeah, you guessed it.

'Fine.'

He asks me whats on my mind, and at first, I say nothing.

No, too obvious of a lie.

Nothing I can put my fingers on.

Ah, that's a lie he'll buy.

He buys it, and goes to bed. Single, hard, cold kiss.

As soon as he's upstairs, the tears start leaking out. I straighten up the kitchen briefly (I've set up recycling bins - why can't/won't he use them?) and come to write.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to handle the not giving a fuckness.

I'm pretty sure I'm overly emotional, but.

Ah.

It'll officially be six months in exactly a week.

That just struck me.

Ah, Kendra child, what will you do with yourself and him?

And, I'm debating if I even want to be a midwife anymore - which doesn't help me, any.

And that letter is still sitting heavy on my head.

Am I being too too?

I don't know.

But I do know that I will sit here long enough to stop my tears, do my oilpulling, braid, then rinse my hair, take a shower, and dry off to go to bed with a smile.

At least, I know he won't want sex.

The question is, will he even touch me at all?

10:36

The hilarity that is my product stash!!!

I started with all the stuff I rarely use, and my more used stuff is at the bottom

I've never used either of these on my hair, but they are SUPPOSED to be for hair (the lighter is to seal the ends of fake twists/braids)




The Empty bottles, tubs, and jars for my custom mixes....




The stuff I could use, but almost never do....




Mystery concontions.....



The stuff from my previous hair life (ie, stuff I NEVER use)



Now, for the stuff I actually USE on a regular basis

My pitiful collection of hair 'toys'




My stash of butters:




My stash of oils:



Herbs (there is a huge pack of Fo-Ti powder under all that... and I forgot to pull the henna out of the freezer to add to this), and that lush thing is Caca Rouge



The 'chemicals'




My essentials...I didn't grab the carrot oil I use in my hair, and my Elasta conditioner is in the next pic......



And finally - the parade of conditioners - this was all that I had in the house, minus 3 or 4 bottles that I left in the bathtub.




Ahh, the joys of a PJ! And this is the stuff I just had on hand - I'd add another 10-12 products that I tried, ran out of, and never brought again - and stuff that I haven't restocked on, like HoneyHemp, and the food stuffs I use in my hair (honey, lime, coconut milk) that I didn't take a picture of.....

Seriously? June 20th? Holy cow!!!!

Urm, okay, lets start with comparison pictures (I'll update the photo thread with these as well)

Now:




Then: (Nov 2006)





Lovely, isn't it? *happysigh*

I haven't really been doing much new with my hair - I've been hennaing every month, and HLC'ing whenever I feel like it. :lol: Urm, I haven't trimmed in a while, and it doesn't really need it, based on how it acted in twists. Still using the same products.......

I'm really boring, in other words. I'm going into the more shedding/slower growing period, and I'm considering a topical potion to charge up my temples (yes, another one) because honestly - that's the ONLY part of my hair that I'm anything less than totally pleased with.

I'd like to put my hair in yarn twists for most of the winter, but I'm being a lazy git, and not only haven't found the yarn, I also haven't praticed one bit (though I've stalked MANY a fotki).

I've been hanging around LHCF for the last few days out of boredom, and it's inspiring in me a vibe to try some new stuff, mix up some stuff out of the ingredients I already have.

I actually need to go back through my journal and IDENTIFY some stuff - I have no clue what some of my mystery mixes are.

Okay. I'm heading home, but I'm going to post a pic entry once there.....

Would I Lie to you??

So.... a couple of days (week?) ago, I posted the lovely Hair & Lies entry. Here's the results......

 

Everybody gets to ask me 3 questions. They can be about anything.

Two of them I will answer honestly.

The answer to one of them will be a complete fabrication.

Then you get to guess which one is the lie.

Set 1:
a) Who is your favorite admin of any message board? Robin, of course! *lol*
b) How did you meet C? At a strip club
c) What is your favorite baby name? Anjali

Set 2:
a) are you bi? Yes
b) how many siblings? none
c) how many kids do you want? 7

Set 3:
a) What is your worst 'vice'? Lying
b) What is your favorite book of ALL TIME? Dune
c) Who is your hero or heroine? Beverly Guy

So.

Which is lie, which is truth, hrrrrrmmmmm??

 

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In other news, Heeellllooo Fall! Apparently, once August is done, it's Fall's turn, and Fall has stepped up with a vengence. 60° at 8:30am??? WTF? I'm so not ready! I'm still wearing flipflops and gauze!! Noooooooo!!

Though, one nice thing about fall, and the cooler weather, is that I'm EVER so much more industrious - my eyes start wandering around the house and myself, looking for things that I can work on. Yes, winter is MY busy time, and summer is one loooonnnnggg siesta.

This weekend, I'm tackling the garage. Our gym is mostly set up (I'm waiting on the treadmill, and I need to find a cheapie TV) but everytime I walk through the garage, I get the heebiejeebies, and the oh my gods, what the fuck IS that - so, yes, MUST clean out the garage. Most of it is old stuff that Mr. Wilson left behind, some of it is our stuff, and a lot of it is dead bugs. *shudder*

I was thinking about it last night, and then started thinking about what I would wear (scarf, long pants, long sleeved shirt) and I realized that a long sleeved tshirt would be about perfect - but I don't own one, and don't plan on owning one.

See, I have this thing about clothes. I'm a fat girl, no getting around that, and personally, I feel even fatter when I'm in - slouchy clothes. Teeshirts are toppers on my list of slouchy clothes - I wear them before I go to bed/around the house - and even rarely then. I just - I feel sloppy in them, and as I feel like most people who look at a fat person automatically think they are sloppish, I'm not trying to feed into/buy into that attitude. Annnyhhhooowww, I started thinking about what else I could wear that would fit that same general 'ideal' - light, not wrinkly, comfy, cheap, easy to clean - and it hit me! I need a kameez.

So, I drifted off to sleep daydreaming about the perfect kameez, and how I'm going to sew most of my clothes this winter (bugger, that reminds me, I MUST send off that woman's patterns tomorrow!)

Anyhow.

In addition to cleaning the garage, I want to try to put in yarn twists. I've been avoiding it, because I know how long it takes me to twist my hair, and I suspect it's going to take me even longer with the learning curve, and I really most likely need a full empty weekend (if ya know what I mean) in order to do that, and I REALLY should have done it over the Labor Day weekend (and dammit, I need to find that yarn) and blahblahblah.

I figure it HONESTLY shouldn't take me more than 18 hours. And I can squeeze 18 hours out - esp. if I prep my hair on Friday night. So, I'm thinking - prep hair on Friday night, clean garage on Saturday, finish hair prep Saturday night, do twists on sunday. Of course, I also run the risk of having to go to work with some crazy looking hair, but thats what headwraps are for. *lol*

Urm, house, hair - ah, yes, womb.

I'm still bleeding. *sigh* Tis day *think* 25? I think....but at least it's slowing up - I should be leakage free by the weekend - praise all that is sweet, holy and merciful. Thankfully, it's been a very - easy - bleed, this  go around. No cramps, no headaches, no rashes,  just a woman and her cup. *lol* I almost kinda sorta want to STILL be bleeding tomorrow, so that I can freak the accupunturist out - who has been horrified at the length of my bleed for - oh, since the first visit - what, two weeks ago? *shrug* What can I say? My body needs to get rid of it, I'mma let it get rid of it. I feel fine, and I'm not bothered by it (though, I SHALL enjoy having 'neat' sex, ooh, yes I shall!) and while it's PISSING me off as far as TTC'ing goes - if I trust my body, I trust my body. And, as it's an annovulatory bleed ANYHOW, it's gonna be abnormal. If I was doing this after a normal cycle (ie, not a 60 day one) I would be fffffreaking out.

It's interesting to me, how Fall tends to me more of a time of change than spring is. I get into ALL my major - my life sucks, and this is how I'm going to fix it ACTIONS in the Fall. Springtime, I'm just so damn happy it's not winter anymore, nothing in my life sucks, therefore I have no reason to change anything. *lol*

Urm.

Yes, that's about it. I'm actually NOT going to talk about work, this go around. I've had a mostly pleasant week, so yeah.

Toodles!

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I are Nerd

Okay, I haven't even FINISHED taking the test, and I must say - this is the hardest. question. EVER.

Fuckkkk. ME!

If you could only pick ONE of the following items in the next six groups, which would it be? (i.e. by picking the ONE, you can no longer have/possess the others, EVER)
...Group 1...
a)Your collection of books
b)A computer
c)Your DVD collection

*weeps* But - it didn't say you couldn't USE one. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

Anyhow.

Here's the test.

NerdTests.com says I'm a Cool High Nerd. What are you?

Rock on, with the coolness, and the highness. I am Duchess Nerd, ya'll.

Quick Fun Facts:

36.6% of all test takers would choose the Internet over sex, and
29.2% of married test takers prefer the Internet over sex.

*ROFLMAO*

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And, in sadder news - Madeline L'Engle is dead. I think the next book I will pick up to read will be one of hers - and they are shortish, so I might squeeze it in before I finish all the books I'm reading.