Bland as a raw Egg

It's been entirely too long since I have written, mainly because I have been so busy... and because I no longer seem to have anything to write about.
School has narrowed my life into some very boring channels...everything that I do is now focused on either passing or making money or combining the two somehow. My minute social life does still exist, and I have to thank my friends who have been keeping me fed & warm for the past few weeks.. but there no longer seems to be any depth to what I do. I eat (sometimes) sleep, go to class, go to work, study, do homework, sleep, and repeat the cycle with various time spans. I have even started TALKING like my major... using jargon in ways that it really should never be used. *sighs * I MISS being in the real world, and I am even more confused by these people who say.. " Oh I want to stay in school... I don't want to get a job and be in the 'real world'" *shrugs * Maybe it is just the fact that I WAS out there, and I had a job, and I paid my bills, and I had fun... alot more fun than I am having now....and now that I am BACK in school.. I STILL have to deal with the same issues. I still have to pay rent, and eat, and try to pay my credit card bills..and ALL of the same bull I was doing before.... except now I have one job that has 10-12 hour long days, plus take home work...and doesn't PAY!

okayy...end bitter rant

But it is kinda scary.. I have nothing to write about.... I mean.. *sighs * I'm not DOING anything...or even considering doing anything...creative & or interesting.... my life has become small and boring again..... I suppose this means that I have to start forcing myself to write. Stories have been popping up in my mind every once in a while... and some of my dreams have been works of art...so I guess that shall be my goal.. my adventure... to write my fiction/dreams and keep the creative juices juicy. Ah well.... until a story pops up....

Stay Jazzed

The World goes round and round and round and round

I have finally figured something out…well maybe not figured it out.. but grown to a point where I can put it into words. Life…is all about choices. *nods* okay.. yeah that may be obvious as hell.. but I mean that in a deeper way. I mean it… mainly dealing with my world. Not my life as I live it per se, but the world that I move through. I have a choice to make, and I have been making one choice without even realizing that the other option was available.

In my world.. I have a choice, I can either decide to move within a very enclosed circle, only touching those who I have deemed worthy of approach…. OR I can leave myself open to everyone, opting to touch & be touched by those who I would normally not even CONSIDER worthy… much less allow to approach.
The one approach (the one I am currently taking) would keep me safe, allowing me to closely monitor and define who and what I dealt with on a daily basis. The second approach (the one I am considering) would open me so much to much more… hurt & anger & incivility…but I would learn on a daily basis…and what I would learn would be totally outside of my normal sphere of life. And by choosing to be open to life & to the world as a whole….I might meet some folx who will be what I need…even though they are not what I want. I will be able to increase my patience (which tends to be very very thin) perhaps touch up on my sympathetic side….and discover & explore so much more. *sighs* Maybe……..

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Okay…. that is all of the deep & insightful stuff I have for today…. and it still isn’t finished.. but that is all that felt like coming out today….. Let’s see.. what has been going on in my life lately? School is kicking my tail….. making me really remember what hard work is all about…I miss Nee…and my friends who came down for Labor Day…. such wonderfully wonderful people : ) My tongue ring is healing very nicely….while I still have to be careful of how I chew… it works rather nicely. : ) I have been trying to figure out how my mother will react to it… but I will crosss that bridge when it comes. I have been spending entirely too much time with JEH lately… and *sighs* I don’t know. We have a very .. odd relationship. and that is where I will leave that discussion. I have my books for school ( Thanks Mom!) but the Finance commision is still screwing with my PLUS loan…. and many many many bills are rapidly approaching that due date and god only knows WHEN I will get paid. *sucks in breath* okay… ; ) but I have food in the house..and the phone and the light are still on and my rent is paid so… I am okay.. really.
My house needs to be cleaned and I need to run to the corner store and I reallly really need to get started on some of this homework….

Stay Jazzed.

Of a Chicken and It's Head

Okay.. so I'm tired. Grumpy. Hating most of humankind right now. And so...into it all it is amazing.

My labor Day weekend was lovely... I had two old friends and one new friend staying in my place for Black Pride and we ran the streets every night. The only thing that I regretted was the fact that there was not more of a mixed scene. The women had their own parties and the men had theirs. So I was living in a happy little gay world for a while. Then Monday... I was on the train..having spent and absolutely lovely day hanging out with JEH.. and I hear the comments start.... there are two obviously gay & in love Black men sitting in front of us.. and when they get off the comments.. nasty hateful cutting comments start.

My whole little happy bubble of peace and contentment crashed in hard & sudden. I felt so furious & so sad & so helpless all at once. I just left the company of men who were better then those who threw the comments.. so much so that it would put them to shame.. yet since they fuck women they are considered some sort of superior being.
I wanted to cry.
I have never felt so...so hopeless. How...why do people hate so much? It goes beyond the human thing of fearing what you don't understand...it goes beyond a social thing of thinking that it is immoral.. it goes into a whole nother level... a entirely different realm of the blackness of the human heart.
I wanted to scream.
How DARE they say such things? What gave them the right? And why...why did those two brothers have to walk out of the train hearing those words in thier ears... keeping THAT as the last memory they had of this city? How can people be so cruel...to those that they don't even know?
And...worst of all I felt ashamed.
Shamed because I kept silent...shamed because my heart wept and I could do nothing. Shamed because I was so secure in my appereance of hetrosexuality that I would be approved...even tho I love just as they do. And I wondered...as I looked around the crowded train... how many other hearts were weeping in the silence... where all we could hear echoing in our ears was

North Avenue Station. Where all the faggots and the sisses and the girly boys get off to fuck each other and fuck up the world. Man I HATE them bitches. I wish they would all die.. I wish they all had AIDS. I wish one of them would look at me so I could beat his punk ass down


I'm running around
like a chicken with no head
I have gone beyond
being a chicken head
to something far more rare
and far harder to see
a woman
who wants
the world to be
like me.

Stay Jazzed.