Coming Out of The Box

I read an article not too long ago about how some fundamentalists types were accusing some large universities (oh how I WISH I had remembered more details) of concealing rampant lesbianism in their Women's Studies departments. They went as far to say that the school should be honest and call them Lesbian Studies so that girls would not be drawn to the department under false pretences. This has been floating in the underbelly of my mind for a while... and it wasn't until I started really READING about the history of my college (an all women's school) that the reason for its continual floating in my mind.

One) Okay... yeah... sometimes the Women's Studies Department does have slightly more gay/bi women in it than most other departments. It is a matter of going where you heart leads you. But at the same time... there are more straight folx out there than gay ones ANYWAY.... * rolls eyes * so that is kind of a moot point.

The next thing that intrigues me was something very simple.... but frightening at the same time... The fundamentalist assumed that because it was Women's Studies...most of the women interested would be gay ones. They believed somehow... that the determination of real woman hood is only in relation to manhood. And while I can in my logical mind understand that concept of polarities. (man/woman dark/bright young/old), the intuitive portion of me recoils from it. Why...are we defined in terms of what the other lacks? Why... in order for me to be considered a 'real' woman.... I must shun all of those things that have been classified as 'manly'? Why ... in order to be a real 'man' he has to shun those things that are classified as 'womanly'?? Why is there such a chasm.. a gap between what is and is not... it seems that it would make...so much.... simpler if we viewed ourselves as PEOPLE/humans foremost.. and then as man/woman next... to further separate ourselves. * sighs * Just like the black/white divide.

And I think the reason that it was floating on my mind even more is because I am SICK SICK SICK and tired of being boxed.. categorized.. and expected to make a single choice from a million and one options. *sighs * I am trying to escape out of this tiny box called black bisexual womanhood into a mental, emotional and physical state called Jazzybelle. I am TIRED of being limited in what I can do by fears of what I will be called and considered. I am TIRED of busting my hump to fit into some mold that pinches and prods and gets tighter by every day. Dammit I want to be ME so bad I can taste it in my very bones.... and yet sometimes... I wonder if one woman can ever hope to escape from centuries of societal pressure....and still be sane.


Stay Jazzed.

Runaway Heart-umm I mean fingers

holding my hands between your thighs
your heat
makes me drift
into a funk of
passionate entanglings
and brazen bliss
wild river woman
changing like the tides
taking my heart
my mind
my soul
on an impossible lovers ride
like cool spring rain
falling over me
you take me
and turn me
and burn me
until I am simply
a tower of flame
you are my hearts guiding light
sweet summer water woman
with the aura of
love
passion
and pain
can I be yours
tomorrow….
and today?

---

So...what is a woman to do when she thinks she is falling in love with another woman? who happens to be married? *smiles* I don't know what I can do.. this whole episode.. this whole relationship thing has me off kilter. and since it is so out of the norm (the trio version of a relationship) who can I talk to? My straight friends wouldn't understand me falling for a woman... the gay ones would have issues with the fact that she is married... to a man no less... so I sit here and write bad poetry and wonder if I will ever get up the nerve to say I love you... even in a joking way...cuz I have been scared from the start... afraid of where loving a woman might take me...and I don't think I want to know where really loving a woman will lead.
The only problem is.. somedays that seems to be all I can think about... my T**** as I call her...I get jealous of her husband...cuz he wakes up to her everyday. Yeah... ain't nothing all sweet...and I have enough issues to keep me out of a relationship for years to come... but still.... falling for her is the sweetest thing I have done in so long... and my life is almost stable sometimes and...and I just don't know what to do with my self.. or her.

So I sit here...and talk to her.. and wish for someone else to come and sweep me out of her life and out of this thing that will have to end in misery... cuz there is no sunny way out. And I have no interest in forming nay new relationships with a man...*shrugs* I have been spoiled my a passion that is so much like my own that I can no longer see fighting to form the bonds and limits of love with someone whose idea of passion is a kiss in the morning and a good f****** every night.
And I am fighting to find a man who doesn’t relate to me on a level of passion before he peeps into my heart...yeah I am fighting to find a woman like that too...but we are so different. *sighs* With some men... most men who are attracted to a woman... the thought of sex is a barely concealed ideal..hidden only by societies and the 'good' girls demand that sex isn't what she is all about.
Am I babbling??? am I racing on and on?? yeah maybe but I have to get all of this off of my heart & out of my head before I turn to do some real work...sometimes the only time I ain't wondering what I am going to do with myself and my wayward heart is when I am programming... and that is only cuz I have to devote my entire mind to what I am writing...computers are anal about precision...


whoooo that was a trip... i guess when the urge is on all you can do is write...and write and write. Hold me tight and neva let me go...cuz I don't know where I would be without you....

Stay Jazzed.

Into the Looking Glass

She walks in darkness like the night
of cloudless climes
and starry skies
and all that is best
of dark and bright
meet in her aspect & her eyes


That little piece of poetry drifts through my head sometimes, and it bugs me that I don’t know who wrote it…but that was just a starting point for something else….somewhere else.
I have a confession to make. I am a lurker…. I drift through diaries… through peoples lives on here and never leave any trace of my passing.. .like mist like clouds like the spider web you feel but never see…I interact with almost 30 people on the OD and they are not aware of it… I miss people and I hope that some folx get there relationships together and that others love harder and some love less. I hope that some get a job.. and that others start writing and that some figure out what they want… I hope that many heal…. and that others become aware that they need healing. and I don’t leave notes cuz I don’t know what to say.. how can I compress all that I am thinking into 250 characters? How can I compose my verbose words of hope & love and concern & sympathy into something that fits & doesn’t sound trite or empty? How do I pull that off.. and still remain true to the sprit that I came into this diary with of a place of intensely personal introspection? *shrugs* I haven’t figured it out yet… and sometimes I wonder if I like having this really personal space that people have to stumble onto t to find me…. never feeling a need to demonstrate or show off or write on a daily basis… or even respond t o notes because this is mine….and then people vanish and I feel a loss and a lack and somehow I Wish I had someone to share that lack with… in the same way that sometimes I Wish I had someone to share the joy that other diarists on here go through with…. and I wonder.. how can I hide in my own world… and still be a part of theirs?
Anyhow….enough introspection for right now. *lauhgs8 I don’t know..so much & so little at the same time is going on in my life.. I feel like the eye of a hurricane sometimes… standing still amongst utter chaos..
Annyhhoooowwww…. I just had to vent about that…. and I think I might start forcing myself to do note runs… just go through my favorites and scatter notes….on whatever touches me…. maybe I will be come a better more open person.. : ) maybe I Will just become more connected to a whole nother community…. ah well… until I write again…

Stay Jazzed…..

Baby Love

I'm tired. And lonely. and need love. and am too busy to even SEE the folx that are here who love me. and I want something more than most of them can give. I want more than I am prepared to handle. *sighs* And I don't want to fall for anyone who offers me love because then I may not be happy with the rest of the package that comes with it. and I am to tired to hold out.. when the mind works overtime it frees up too much control over the heart. and that I don't have the time or the energy for.

---

I float away
lost on the dirfts of your love
filled with the thoughts of your arms
wrapped around my sleeping body
I settle down
belly curved and fulll
with the memories
and reminder of our love
warm with the feel
of my arms wrapped around
our child
I cry
with the joy of loving you
and holding her
and turning a corner
into a new life
that is all love.

---

but I guess this is part of the challenge that is my life...learning how to do without that which seems sometimes to be all that I need. annnyhow.... I am off. To study and the like. *sighs* goodnight.....

Stay Jazzed...