Phases (on the downside)

I go through these phases, right? It's NOT that I'm not excited about marrying Dear Heart - cuz I am. It's not that I don't want to have family and friends there to see it happen (cuz otherwise they most likely won't believe we did it) cuz I do. I'm just not  - sometimes - into it. I think about it and I'm all like 'ehhhhhh'.



So lately I've been fanatsizing about Jamaica again. Or maybe the courthouse...but I don't WANT to do it that way. *sigh* I'm not making any sense to myself. I want to have the wedding - with the cake and the flowers and the purty purty dress and all that jazz - but I'm not really INVESTED in it. And that's not a good thing - but it's not really a BAD thing either. It's not good cuz I'd hate to be haphazard about it and look back and wish I had done better. It's good on the other hand - because it greatly reduces my chances of going bridal. *snicker*



And I've noticed that my phases tend to sharply coincide with times that I'm either 1) missing  Corey (cuz I do - dreadfully most times) and/or 2) worried about money (which I am...most times). There have been occasions in the past few weeks where I almost (please note the ALMOST) wish we 'oops' and got pregnant so I would have a REASON to toss it all...but thankfully that's just not gonna happen. 



And then I feel so guilty for even FEELING this way - I'm mean I'm a girl - I'm a kinda GIRLY girl - aren't I supposed to be engrossed/thrilled/totally overwhelmed and giddy about planning My Very Own Wedding (TM)?? But I'm NOT...and I don't know why. It's the wedding that I'm not thrilled about mind you - not the whole 'rest of life' thing - which is the important bit. And then - it's not very well as if I could tell Corey this - I'm already wishywashy enough. And (because it's a phase) I know that next week or so I'll be slighty more thrilled and more eager to plan and organize and pay and all that jazz - but it still really won't feel like how I expected it to feel. And how did I expect it to feel? Hm. When I was in Upward Bound preparing for a performance - I felt a thrill of excitement - an eagerness to get on the stage and do my thing. I was excited - even slightly obsessed -  practing steps and phrases and everything. That's how I expected to feel - and instead I feel like I'm putting together a dinner party for coworkers. Coworkers I don't even really like. Bleh!



*pouts* Sooooooo.... what to do, what to do?  *shrugs* It's not like we're not HAVING the wedding - cuz dammit we are. And it's going to be lovely. And we're going to have a crapload of fun. But... I just wish I felt that way in my heart as much as I feel that way in my head. Ya Know??



jasmyn