chitchattering

Yeah... so I think we might be okay. Really. We had a really good, really long talk today - and I really think we might be okay. I was going to write 'I can't describe how happy that makes me - but dammit I'm a writer the least I should be able to do is to describe my OWN emotions - yes?? So - how happy does that make me? *sigh* He's the love of my life - so much so that I couldn't bear the thought of having him stuck with a chick that couldn't/can't be what he needs. And yeah, I know nobody's perfect, but the least I can do is TRY, yes? So - anyhow - I'll try, and he'll try, and even if our trying doesn't quite reach perfection, at least we are trying to get there. So - I'm happy because I don't have to break my heart in order to not break his. Yeah. I'm happy like a cookie monster who just inherted a cookie company - the Keebler elves cookie company mind you. forever supplied by inventory from god. Yeah. That's me.

Whining

I was working on my character description, and she lives in a studio apartment. As I was writing out a description of her place, I realized something - I prefer living in small spaces. My apartment in Atlanta (my favorite and most homey apartment thus far) was about half the size of the apartment I have now - and it was almost always amazingly clean. The first apartment I got here - I felt the need to get a big place, solely to say - hey! Look at ALL THIS ROOM I can buy! Of course - it stayed half empty for half the time I lived there, until I finally broke down and purchased furniture for it. Then, I moved to another space - smaller than the one before, but bigger than the one before that. I loved that place - despite the lack of air-conditioning and the slightly shady neighborhood it was in. I left there for the sake of my car and my cats - and now I live here. I go home, and wonder what good all of the stuff I have is doing me. I have an entire room that I've wasted - given over to books and cats and an ironing board. I've got two bathrooms - one of whcih we only use when we are too lazy to walk the few steps to the other one. I'm looking for a maid to hire because I don't feel like cleaning and I don't feel like waiting for C. to decide he wants to clean - and now I want to move. Again. I hate having wall to wall carpet - it makes the place feel like it can never be totally clean. I love having a balcony - I can forget how big the rest of the hosue is and go out there to chill - at least until the weather gets crappy. I hate having two windows - I need to let more air and sun and light into my house. I love having central air and central heat. I hate having a vaulted ceiling. I want to live someplace small and cuddly that opens it arms and welcomes me home - not a place where I feel like I'm wintering over until the next home finds me. I liked my HOTEL rooms better than I like my apartment - lately.
But of course, finding an apartment this cheap, and this close to everything, with hardwood floors and a blacony in Indiana is downright impossible. There is this one apartment complx that I've wanted to live in for AGES - but damn this place is expensive. *sigh* And of course - that brings us back full circle to what I started talking about - money. I would like to live someplace smaller to save money - but with the options that I would like to have, it would end up costing more money. Unless I could find a quaint little house somewhere that the owner is renting...but ah. That'll fall into my lap when it is truly time for us to move.
Besides - I think that the next time that we move, we will be moving out of Indy. C has no ties here now - the job isn't all that he hoped it would be, and he plans on staying there until we are ready to move - move from Indy that is. I had every intention of staying until this release went live, and now they have added an extra 6 months to it. While that fits in with my 'debt free in 2005' almost perfecctly - I'd still have to be here for another 8 months to totally pull it off - unless I can think of someway to reduce my outlay or increase my inflow. All the same - I can't WAIT to leave. Perhaps I should start looking for another job now? I might find something better, that pays more money, in a nicer part of the country, and I could cut down on my time to freedom.
Hm. So many choices - I have to first realize that I am IN a box to be able to realize there are possibilities I'm not even seeing OUTSIDE the box.

Lately...

Well - I've been here for  3 days now, and I've felt rather ueseless the enitere time. They've shifted the time line for our project, and thus I'm feeling rather at loose ends. What I was suposed to be doing, doesn't need to be done for another 6 months, which is good since we were really o na shaky basis to get it done. Of course, that also means that I will now be here for another week & a half, with nothing solid to do. Hell - I could stay in Indy and do nothing. But, being here is better.

 

Especially since I'm not around Corey. I wonder if he'sstared readint thst book yet. Sometimes, I really to want to get married - and other times, I feel like it would be a major mistake for US at this point in time - and at any point in time in the future. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm in a trough of despair - I don't see anything positive in us being together besides the fact that we are really good friends, on our good days. *sigh* 

 

Hormones really are a bitch. As I was reading 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' one of the main hormonal components she included in things that would cause problems was low testosterone. T is one of the msin hormones that give you the high level of horniness, and since I'm a girl, I'm already (comparitively) at a disadvantage. Then, I could have an even lower thna normal level of T, which means I would be even less horny than other girls. In the beginning stages of a relationship, the pure fact of the 'newness' causes your body to release DHEA, which rather acts like T. Therefore - when we first got together, I was all randy & stuff, and now that I'm not like that anymore- he's claiming a switch and bait. When I read this - the first thing I thought (after - "Oh my GOD!! That's me! That's US!" which I did through most of the book) was that she described the phenomenom of lesbian bed-death to a T. I'm itching to ask him if he's started reading the book yet, but at the same time somehow, I don't care if he does or not. I'm being a real bitch about this, and I wann be nice, but I'm sooo - blasse about the whole fucking thing. This is bad. *sigh* I've always realized that it was a bad sign that I wasn't really all that upset when we HAD to postpone the wedding due to his money issues.  Lately, I've really been wondering if 1) it was a subconsiously purposeful thing and 2) if he feels the same way. I don't want to ask him, because if we both feel the same way - ugh. I truly DON'T want to break up with him - but I don't really want to marry him either.

 

I suppose the return thingy is starting to make some sense now - I think. For breaks, I have to use this: but for actual returns to create a new paragraph, I hit enter. So - I guess I'm satisfied. I'm still missing my note history button, but the DM has some time to work on that.

 

Blah. I'm worthless when it comes to writing lately.  I've been writing buts and pieces in the paper journal (the feeling of pen on paper is rather soothing) but it's all been CRAP and PAP.  It's to the point where I'm sick of writing - but I really do still want to. I've released my 'desire' to be a writer - I'm not sure if I ever really WANTED to be a writer somedays, or if I was fooled into thinking I did becuase I knew that I wanted to do something creative, and writing was the one thing I was actually semi-good at.