J said - Joy Pills

I’m sure that everyone has seen the little bottles of pills that they sell in Spencer’s that are supposed to do all sorts of wonderful things. Give an old person back their memory, a young person wisdom, an impotent man back his ‘prowess’. I always found them fascinating, but I wonder what the most popular selling one would be if they actually worked. I think that the one I would buy and give to all of my friends would have to be the Joy Pill. Now mind you, I don’t even know if they sell one like that, but if they did it would be a blessing. When I say a Joy pill I don’t mean something that smoothes life away, and makes everything look rosy, I men a pill that, well, lets one see how blessed and how fortunate they are, and how much further the road goes before them. A pill that forces you to see the friends that love you, the family who loves you, those who loved you and died, those who loved you and had to move on, yet forces you to hold the memory of the time they were here to love you…and lets you grieve, and then heal once they are gone. A pill that makes you see a homeless man, and feel joy because that is not you, without feeling pity that he is him. A pill that lets you see a small child, and smile because s/he has so much ahead. A pill that reminds us that even if everything looks bad, feels bad, is bad, it will not stay that way. A pill that lets you experience pain, and learn from it. A pill that lets you cry from love, and smile despite hate. A pill that lets you remember during the bad times, all of the good times that came before it. A pill, that during those good times, reminds you to treasure them always. A pill that encourages you to stand and fight your demons, and to try and understand our fears. A pill that bestows compassion on those who have less, without pity. A pill that would make people see that we are more the same than we are different, because we can all feel joy. A pill that lets you let go, even though it hurts.


I miss him so much it hurts. I am starting to feel silly, practically chasing him over email, almost begging him to talk to me. I can’t accept that our friendship is dead and gone. I refuse to accept it. And I know that it isn’t totally gone, but I also refuse to have it on these circumstances, where he decides to disappear for months, then return as if nothing happened. I can’t take the roller coaster ride of emotions, it hurts too much, and has been going on for too long. But I can’t see my life without him being a part of it. He and I and another friend were supposed to by a house together, while they were in med school. He asked me to marry him. He is my first love. And I can’t just let go. What other choice do I have** To either let go, and be in pain…or to hold on and STILL be in pain** Without even talking to him he makes me cry. And that tells me that there is something wrong. But how to fix it**


I guess I’ll pop two Joy Pills, and see myself in the morning.





J.


** These stand for question marks because my keyboard is acting screwy.