Love Her Today, or find one Hundred Ways

testing…testing…is everything set? are we ready? is she in place? okay… 5…4…3…2 …1…that’s a GO!
Have I been hiding? Maybe… I most certainly don’t feel like it… but like I was living in a land where there is nothing but cloudy skies…and when the clouds part and the sun shines…you suddenly realize WHAT you have been missing… even if you forgot ever losing it in the first place. I have re-found my peace. Suddenly I am so at peace I feel like I could float.. I can fight bears.. I can conquer mountains. I can succeed at anything I even look at if I dedicate myself to it and work hard. I may be broke as an old & bad joke but dammit.. I got my trans-card, and I got my health, and I got some peace, and what more do I need?

Where do I start? Where does this tale begin? hmm.. I think I will start with the simple part of the tale, and let the rest come out as it may.
I had an abortion today.
That encompasses so much of the story it is hard to figure out when to start…. where to dive in…. where to begin. I wish I had been writing since I knew.. since I found out.. but the two previous entries were all I could push out from the confusion and stress and craziness and madness that were all I could see & handle…and I was barely handling it.
This is what I felt right after the procedure, …. in the recovery room & on the bus I think I was writing so fast my damn hand was about to come off.
*thinks* I am actually a HELL of allot better than I expected I would be, considering how much emotional madness I have been going through... the peace is amazing. at the same time I almost fell guilty for not feeling bad. I feel like I was in a crashing plane.. and suddenly it leveled off...and landed, but it was on a suicide mission anyway.
*shakes head* How did it happen?? How did I, smart, tight, halfway gay Jazzy get pregnant? Simple. The Latex ain’t work the way it was supposed to. Such a little thing to put so much trust into. Something so damn simple as a damn faulty condom, or a little precum…changed me. Him? somehow I don’t think it affected him much….
Who was my baby’s daddy? This man was (note the past tense please) one of my closest friends.... I mean.... *shakes head* we have gone through some serious shit together... we dated back in 97 and broke up (cuz of Little One.. I may have talked about him in earlier entries… in fact I am sure that I have), then we came back together as friends... but for the past year or so we have been growing closer... I mean.. *sighs* he was like my brother...but not (obviously) he was the one man that I was still rather sexually attracted too (and that I could actually have...but anyway) and he had some ideas about abortion that he had developed by seeing a previous g/f of his go through one.. so when I went to him... with my fancy little mistress plan of him coming to live with me in Indy for a year and then returning to school and me helping him pay for it (or paying for it as the case may have been)…*thinks* I expected a more supportive attitude than the one I got. What I BASICALLY got was... I’m too young & too immature to deal with having a baby (though he wasn’t too young or too immature to slide his dick up in me) and so he offered to pay for an abortion. I still can’t tell you how I feel about him. I know that the last unforgivable thing ( the last?) was on Tuesday... I had a prelim appointment to do the ultra sound and all that jazz that they handle before hand. And he was supposed to come... moral support & all that...but he slept through it or at least that is what he said. I find it ironic that he called my house the EXACT time that my appointment was to start and said in this sleep heavy voice that he had been on the phone all night. you fuck with my trust once it don’t come back… and since he had already said (to all intents and purposes) that I was all by my damn self…I said fuck him. figuratively of course….doing the deed is what got me in this spot in the first place. *shrugs* I don’t know... it seems too damn pat that he called at the exact time that he KNEW I wouldn’t be home to say that he wasn’t coming. shit… by that time I think I would have figured it out on my own. So after I got out of my appointment I went to his house, got the damn money & left. No, I didn’t tell him when the procedure was scheduled for.. I didn’t want him anywhere around.. nor did I want to worry about him showing up or not with the money. He called me Wednesday night, and asked me to call him back. I haven’t, and I am not sure if I will.


I am pro-choice for life... and NEVER even considered the Idea of ME having one... but I realized that if I didn’t.... I would be messing up more than just my child’s life... but my own, so I accepted his offer of ‘maturity’. It took me the longest time to tell my momma. I was afraid to tell her because I knew that she never wanted this for me and that I would be disappointing her, but when I told her *sighs* the greatest weight ever was lifted off of me. I never realized until now just how much I LOVE my momma. Anyhow…she told me MY story… about how my daddy was not there for a bit like I thought, for me & for her. Nah…he was there but it was for reasons of his own, like having a woman who was willing to cook & clean & keep a house for him while he went out and had his fun. She let me know how she did it, and she let me know that there was nothing wrong with doing it that way…but so much right with doing it the other way. She told me how words and actions don’t have to overlap…and she reminded me of how much in this…I was truly on my own. If I had kept the baby it would have been MY child. Not OUR child, because there was nothing there to hold him. A child? humph. Children haven’t been holding on to their daddies for years…why would this one be any different. Friendship? That will get you a shiny penny and a kiss. And since it would be MY child… I had to make the decision. And I made the decision to have an abortion.
I was 11 weeks pregnant. If I had kept the baby and it was a girl, I would have named her Dai’lee (which means gentle heart) Star (from my best female friends middle name). Had it been a boy, *laughs* he would have had a long name, because I have so many men in my life who I admire and love…and they would have all wanted a namesake. Personally, I think it was a girl. His/her birthday would have been somewhere around November 5, 2000. Why did I think it was girl? Dreams…
It has been an amazing path up & down and all over...but after I left his house with the money, that was when some of the peace started... cuz I KNEW I was doing the right thing...and I had my momma’s support too.... *sighs* so...all that was left was today... and it hurt like HELL… hurt you hear me? Hurt like something was reaching down and making a big ole fist right where my bladder used to be before the ungodly pain started…I’m REALLLLLY scared bout having kids now... but after all the pain I nearly cried from the relief and the RIGHTNESS I felt and I refuse to let myself feel the least bit bad about feeling so good, or feel guilty about being relieved, or wonder what the Creator’s plan for this child was. If the Creator had a plan, nothing that little ole created me could have done would have changed that plan by a hair
So THAT has been my past three weeks/one month.
It’s weird.. now that it is over.. I feel so much more secure & calm in saying that I did it. *shakes head* if anyone would have asked me yesterday I am sure I would not have said yes.... but now... I guess my own self has confirmed that is was what I needed to do...and so...nothing else really matters....

Stay Jazzed.