Good (Self) Love

Spring cleaning is a wonderful thing. I have managed to clean my entire house (except for the bathroom) in the past two days. It is really sad that an apartment THIS small can produce 8 bags of trash…and I am not talking about half full bags either…seriously full & heavy bags. But it feels good. I am getting rid of a lot of things that I don’t need. I am trying NOT to pull the whole bitter black woman thing & throw away everything he ever gave me… but it is hard to keep it, when it doesn’t have the same emotional pull & attachment. I don’t know, I have put a lot of it up & away…. if I can look at it later and it brings back the good rather than the bad I will keep it. Otherwise.. why carry baggage ( that emotional kind) to Indy with me?
Speaking of baggage, I went through a lot of my writings that I have written over the longest time. I want to type them up on the computer…but it is just SO much. So I am being lazy by not writing it, but at the same time, every year I get more & more nervous because the paper & the ink is starting to get thin and blur. I am not sure when I will have the time to do it, because I refuse to do it while I am in school, cuz it will distract me from other stuff that I need to be doing. I might do it during summer school, but I will have to see how much other stuff I will have to do. Once I get to Indy… *shakes head* so much of that is up in the air I really have no clue what I am going to do. Maybe I can bribe someone into doing it for me….hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I will figure something out.

I have also put together a package for my mommy. A bunch of stuff, a lot of which a brought along time ago and never quite got around to sending her. I am going to use some of the small ( tiny really) store of money I have and send them to her. I treasure her. value her, love her so much it is amazing. I have always KNOWN that I loved my mommy… but I don’t know… having her behind me through the almost utterly worst thing that I could go through has been far far beyond a blessing. It is a piece of utter & total peace… the bond we have is so strong & beautiful & amazing…I can’t even begin to pretend to condense it enough to fit on a single page. The Chinese have a saying : “Higher than the mountain, deeper than the sea” that refers to the debt that all children owe their parents. I look at it as talking about the love that I hold for her…and out of that love I can & will do anything for her.
As I cleaned (and cleaned…and cleaned) I realized where all of my money has gone. I have been buying books like they are about to shut down all of the printing presses. I have so many books in my house it looks like a library. And every time I read one I think of about of… three or four more I would love to get my hands on. In fact, I have decided that a major drawing point in an apartment for me would be the presence of ceiling to floor bookcases. Ummmmm….. unlimited bookroom…. ummmmmmm : )
I have really started getting into looking for apartments & looking forward to moving. Even though I am kinda scared because there seems like there is NOTHING in Indy. Every time I look at something that I use now, and just randomly check to see if they have a branch in Indy…NOPE! *sighs* IT is really gonna be a different world. I have also began trying to figure out how I am going to scheme my way into a drivers license… I kinda sorta know how to drive, but since I don’t have access to a car, so I haven’t had enough practice. But…. I can’t get more practice until I get a license… so it is an ugly catch-22. So what I plan on doing is practicing & practicing with the rental car that my mother is going to bring with her for graduation, and then take myself to the DMV and pass the test and get the license, and then I can get a rental car and practice. *sighs* the fun part is going to be convincing my momma to let me TOUCH the rental while she is here….and not let my grandmother know. : )

I feel fine. I am still relaxed…and still at peace. I think that everything has gone fine for me (physically & mentally & emotionally) and I am *sighs* okay. I was really really depressed, and didn’t even realize it. It’s scary when you don’t realize that you are depressed until you aren’t depressed any more. I wonder if I would have stayed depressed the rest of my life if I had kept the baby. That is an utterly terrifying thought. I don’t know… I am actually still more upset about the total rupture of a long & what I thought was amazingly strong friendship. It leaves a weird hole in my heart, a gap where someone who was so vital to me used to be. *shakes head* It’s really really sad. I’m going to miss who I thought he was.
At the same time I feel so much more in touch with me. It’s scary to realize that he was really one of the two..three friends I have down here. All of my other friends are up North. I have to really work on that aspect of myself. I need to figure out what I do that pushes people away (if anything) and what I can do to keep people close. I have already figured out that I am one of the kinds of people that has a small and select group of close friends & a whole bunch of people that I ‘know’ but I need to work on the people in between… the people who are friends…without being the life & death kind, and without being casual associates as well. I have lived most of my life as a loner, and I think that it is high time that I stopped. Maybe I will get some self help books and work something out. Oksay…it’s late enough for me to take my drugs & I can go to sleep now.

Stay Jazzed.