WordJazz

Somethings take entirely too long to arrive. I mean what is stopping graduation from being here like NOW? or maybe even yesterday.. in fact yesterday would be nice. I cannot accept the concept that a job will be anything as hard or as grueling as the shit I am going through. I have however decided that I will NOT.. . I repeat I will NOT bitch about school…. not anymore.. I have spent enough time doing that with my classmates for most of the day…. I will talk about something else…. not dealing with school or the asinine creatures who call themselves teachers & administrators. *sighs* yeah…

I have a bunch of disconnected random thoughts running through my head and I can’t grasp any of them long enough to find something worthwhile to but down here. I am trying to write every night, at least a little something.. just so I can keep my literary skills in some kind of trim. One of the things that I rediscovered as I went through my random collection of writings and the like was a flyer that I had made freshman year (1995) talking about the first showing of my artistic works when I was 25. The works that I would be presenting ranged from visual poetry to verbal photography (hey.. that is what I said). At this point, I don’t have enough works of my own to even remotely resemble something called a presentation of my art. And most of what I have is over 2 years old. It is sad that I have stopped writing so much… but mostly I think during this last year. I find notebook full of scribbles and quick thoughts & poems & bits of prose that I jotted down while I was working… but nothing now. I wonder if it is because I don’t have time…. or I just don’t have the creative energy to do something. I really feel stifled & forced into doing what I don’t care for or about at this point in time. And from those stifled feelings you would think that something even stronger & more powerful would express itself through words, but instead what I find being expressed is nothing. I guess I am missing that sense of a room of my own that I can take some time away from everything else and be myself in. One of the things that I have decided to do (oddly enough) is to stop reading so much. I usually read constantly… if I am not actively doing something.. I am passively reading. I want to stop doing that so that I can encourage myself to be more active in my life… to participate more in what is going on around me. Perhaps if I carry a blank book instead of a book filled with someone else’s words… at some point I will end up with a book full of my own words. And most of those word may actually make sense…

sometimes
i live lost
in the mists of the press of time
i drift & fall
& flutter
as i wait for
a pause I can claim
as mine.

Stay Jazzed.