HeartBreak begun...

As strange as it may seem… sometimes I actually do miss him. But then I realize that I miss who I thought he was, and I don’t know who he is anymore. My heart & my head tell me that this is the last time I will talk to him. I want to keep a record of this. I need to remember what I felt and why and how he responded. After five years…five very…interesting years, this is all he has to say. *sighs* damn.

MrMan: Hey…
JazzyBelle: Hello…
MrMan: How are you?
JazzyBelle: fine…..
JazzyBelle: did you have something in particular that you wanted to say to me? Or were you just checking to be sure that I was okay?
MrMan: I really want to make sure you were ok and that everything went well....other than that I truly don't know what to say...
JazzyBelle: I'm fine. I have no reason NOT to be fine. as far as everything going okay... I believe it has... I have to go back for a checkup and I will get a clean bill of health then... but from what I feel now... I am fine.
MrMan: I am glad to hear that...
JazzyBelle: hm.
MrMan: yes...
JazzyBelle: I don't want you to think that I am angry with you, cuz I'm not.
JazzyBelle: I'm just disappointed. more in myself than in you though.
JazzyBelle: I LET myself get into a situation that I knew better...and I thought that I knew you well enough to be able to get out of it.
MrMan: thanx....I keep telling myself that you’re not, but part believes you are ignoring me just to punish me
JazzyBelle: so.. my silence isn't because I am angry with you or trying to punish you or I'm depressed.
JazzyBelle: I'm silent because you aren’t who I thought you were, and I’m not sure that I want to know the person that you actually are.
MrMan: and who is that?
JazzyBelle: I don't know.
MrMan: who did you think I was?
JazzyBelle: but so much of what I thought you were all about has crumbled in this little situation.. I don’t know who you really are. and I don’t really have a reason to GET to know who you are. I can’t trust you enough to try.
MrMan: should I not talk to you for while or permanently?
JazzyBelle: we have nothing to say to each other.
JazzyBelle: *shrugs*
MrMan: why do we have nothing to say?
JazzyBelle: okay.... forgive me.
JazzyBelle: I have nothing to say.
MrMan: why?
JazzyBelle: why?
JazzyBelle: there is nothing for me to say.
JazzyBelle: you know... I guess I am still in a bit of shock.
JazzyBelle: you see... I was under this crazy & wild impression (god only knows WHERE I got it from) that you would stick by me through thick & thin, through madness and sadness through everything and it all. And I also had this crazy idea that you valued YOUR children. (after how you acted when T. had her abortion..)
JazzyBelle: so to find out that BOTH of those ideas were wrong... it kinda forced me to reevaluate everything that I ever knew or thought I knew about you.
JazzyBelle: and in that process I realized that all I knew of you was built on trust that you told me what you really felt and who you really were... and for two such large parts of who I was under the impression that I had been told you were to be incorrect... forces me to doubt everything that I thought I knew.
JazzyBelle: and since the two things that I thought I knew and was proved to be wrong in directly impacted on me.
JazzyBelle: I am really not interested in finding out what else could be a misunderstanding.
JazzyBelle: a girl has to draw the line at heartbreak somewhere..ya know?



I waited for two hours. And he had nothing to say to me. Heartbreak…completed

4/28/00