Tumbling (or Rising) .....

*bouncy councy* I am a happy girl today. I have less than a week left of class, I am passing everything, I have a wonderful job lined up, there are people bending over backwards to be sure that I can move as smoothly as possible…and I have friends who love me. What more could a woman possibly ask for?? I am sure that there are some dreadful things lurking about somewhere, but I’d much rather to not even try to drag them up from the dregs of my brain. I know I skipped a day (naughty girl) but I was cross eyed from pain last night and stayed in bed with a hot water bottle. So that is why…. I really am not trying to renig on my deal with myself.

I am trying to figure out how much is a good amount to spend on this ‘shopping’ trip I am making to Indy. I want to stay in a downtown hotel, and I wanted to leave Monday and come back on Wednesday, but the airlines are conspiring against me… so I will be leaving Saturday and coming back Wednesday….that takes close to 400.00 off the ticket price. scary hmm? I am about to call my mommy and get her advice. I thought that she was going to be coming with me for this trip (in fact I KNOW she said that) but she changed her mind so that is cool too…. I guess I shouldn’t bring my mommy along huh? *lol*

I finally finished reading my diaries… and realized that I have finally freed myself from the pull of Little One’s love/hate relationship. I just love him now… but not in the same hopeless puppy dog way I once did. I love him as a brother.. for who he is and for who he will be…nothing else. : ) I think that is the main thing that struck me from those diaries… that and the fact that I have been trying to lose weight since I was 13. *sighs* I REALLY wonder what I will look like at 130 now.. considering I was 155 when I was 13 and had JUST come through puberty. Which means I most likely haven’t weighed 130 pounds since I was 11 or 12. That is scary.

I am enjoying my ‘bookless’ existence. I get more sleep cuz I go straight to bed… I notice what is going on around me more… because I don’t have my nose stuck in anything… I actually feel more in touch with the rest of the world. I have always known that I used my books as an escape mechanism…. but it has only been since I have consiously stopped reading as much as I used to that I realized just how much I used them. The next thing that I want to do is train my self to not read while I eat. That has always been an automatic thing with me.. most likely because I ate/eat alone most of the time. I know however that the problem with that is that you lose track of what you are eating… and that isn’t good.

I feel so much better now than I have felt for a long time. Even with the cramps & the pain, the mental peace and clarity that I have is worth it all. It is saddening to realize just how upset I was… and just how little I realized I was upset until after the abortion. Now that I look back, I realize that there was a lot of school pressure on… but the whole thought of me being pregnant & alone and about to be even MORE alone was totally overwhelming almost all of my thought processes. *shudders* It scares me to think of it now.
Another life lesson that I had heard, but never really paid attention to has been learned through this experience as well.

EVERY MAN THAT I HAVE SEX WITH HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.

I mean subconsiously, yeah that stuck… I knew it but didn’t KNOW it. Now it’s like every man who steps to me (and for some odd reason there have been quite a few) I look at with a whole new eye. They see me as a ‘female’ something to talk up, something to seduce/romance, someone to get to know better, somebody to try to have sex with. I look at them and see someone who could have the potential to change my life without ever really affecting theirs. I see someone who can risk my life and the lives of my children.

And it really changes how I see men. Now… the concepts… can you take care of yourself? Are you truly mature? Are you willing to accept responsibility that wasn’t planned for or expected? Are you a real MAN and not just a tall deep voiced boy? *sighs* It really makes a difference. And then there are the changes that I have to make in myself. Sex has never been a major thing to me… it was always just a little bit of fun… that didn’t have to have anything more involved than fun & games for the both of us. Now…. *sighs* it ain’t all fun and games anymore.

This shit is SERIOUS. I mean…*shakes head* the enorminity of the whole thing is terrifying. Another thing that I noticed in my diaries was that I had an entirely different view of sex when I was younger. I wish I could touch on the point when it changed to how I felt not too long ago. And now… I am changing back to how I felt then. I KNOW/KNEW that I am a very… physical person, a very sensual person. And over the years that has changed into me being a very sexual person… and now I WANT and need to change back into the sensual woman that I was.

I mean… I am raunchy sometimes… and I am slinky sometimes… and aways very sexy…. but it doesn’t mean that I have to fuck. *shakes head* It sounds so simple… but I don’t know… this change is so new.. that I don’t want to send off the wrong signals.. the ones that I have been sending off for so long. I do want to start dating… mainly cuz I NEED to be loved. *shakes head* I have been by myself for so long that I almost managed to convince myself that I was really all I needed. well.. me and my friends. But I think that I am ready for something else… : ) Or it just might be being surrounded by folx who have so much personal & dedicated & devoted love in their lives that now I am feeling the lack. I have the joy & the love of me settled and in place. And I think that I might .. just might be ready to start loving somebody else. I don’t know if I will find what I need tho… who I need.

I need someone strong enough to be able to accept me needing to be alone…and someone tender enough to hold me when I can’t stand being alone. I need someone who can accept me wanting sex..but not having sex…. and who can balance that thin line between affection and sex. I need someone who can hold me lovingly and sexually, without pressuring me to take it further. *sighs* I think I am looking for a saint.

I have to be able to see him at least three times a week, and hug & kiss him. I have to be able to call him up and bitch about the bad or laugh about the good and he’ll understand. I want to be able to cuddle with him when I’m feeling low without him pushing me to go further. I have to be able to bring him into my dream world and show him all of my beautiful and bizzare ideas & thoughts and have him trust me enough to do the same. I have to be able to depend on him when I’m in trouble, and he’ll be able to turn to me if he has problems. We have to communicate openly & freely, sharing our thoughts. He has to LOVE me, care for me, treasure me, be considerate of me, and in return I will give him the same twice over. He has to be mature, able to see a good deal further than his dick, but not so far that his head is in the clouds. He has to have a job. He has to respect me, and understand that as a woman… I won’t take any less than I deserve from him.

I wrote that on July 4, 1993. Damn. I should have listened to myself , hm?

I firmly believe that a good part of the reason that I am bi is because I despair of ever finding something like the above in a man that I am attracted to… most of the above qualities are in more than one of my GAY male friends *sighs* but in very few of the straight ones…so I turn to my sisters in hopes that the love I deserve will be found there. Now… I’m not sure that I can be what another woman would want… and deserves. Not saying that brothas deserve any less than we do…but they are different enough that what they want shows and is accpeted differently then how I as a woman show & accept it. *sighs* I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. *smiles* I guess I will just have to live, and grow and

Stay Jazzed.