Mantra

I am a COLD hearted bitch.
I AM a cold hearted bitch.
I am a cold HEARTED bitch.
I am a cold hearted BITCH

I can’t figure out with one I like better. Hm. Why the mantra you ask? Well... let’s see.... my very recently ex girlfriend now regrets that she broke up with me and wants to get back with me. I am not even entertaining the thought of the possibility. Why? Hmmm... I am not sure.... this is the point at which if she knew where my diary was I would have to make this a private entry.. but I never really wanted to be in a relationship. As usual ( or as par...) I just kinda fell into one. We were spending more and more time together, and getting more and more lovely dovey, and why bother stopping?? I didn’t care if I was in a relationship or not and all she wanted was another relationship so she could not be ‘alone’ and wouldn’t has the rest of her lonely life to look forward too. Yes, she loves me.. and I still love her. But.. *sighs* I feel like I will be repeating this statement for the rest of my life... ."just because I love you doesn’t mean I NEED or WANT to be ‘with’ you" annnyyywayyyyyyy..... *sighs* I do not want to be anybody else’s happily ever after. I don’t know. I have to be confusing her cuz I am confusing myself. I do love her.. no doubt... but....she is too needy. Not even too needy. Too not emotionally independent. I need somebody who can calmly walk away... and just as calmly come back. I need somebody who isn’t a romantic.... and yet who is passionate. I need somebody for whom sex is not a priority... and sometimes isn’t even an option. I need somebody who can talk with ‘discussing’ and cuddle without clinging.
I need another cold hearted bitch. Hmm.... I hear they are hard as hell to warm up to.

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I am getting sick. My throat is sore as all get out, and I can’t eat oranges or orange juice (for the citric acid and vitamin C) because I am too unused to sugar and they make me nauseated. *sighs* I hate stress. I hate trying to deal with stress. God.... just give a 60 hour a week job any day.
Speaking of which... I have gotten three rejections from other companies in the past week. Oh my but doesn’t that just bolster my desire to turn down this job offer I already have. *sighs* Emotional Stress puts me in a bad mood... I want to growl and them crawl into bed and hide. I don’t clean my house.... ( I finally washed the dishes from her birthday dinner today...or at least some of them) I sure as hell don’t do homework ( I blew off my first program for one class) *sighs* Dammit.... and only because I care does it matter. But at the same time... *thinks* I care for myself too much to care too much for her. Does that make any sense?? Yes? No? hell .... you tell me.... I’m going to bed.

Stay Jazzed.