Oh where..oh where... has my soulmate gone???

I am quite quite disappointed. I brought this book called "Stolen Women, Reclaiming our Sexuality, Taking back our Lives" that dealt with the issues that many AfricanAmerican women have with their sexuality because of our heritage of slavery. I expected a scholarly book, that looked into the minds and heart of the various women who had been interviewed for the book and who showed various sexual behavior (whether healthy or unhealthy) and related it all back to slavery. What I got instead was a plea to ‘others’ that little black girls aren’t all ho’s and the ones who are, are usually that way because of some previous sexual experience (abuse/rape). Ugh. Disappointed wasn’t even the word for it. After a point all I was doing was skimming through the book, trying to find some part that wasn’t mealy mouthed about the issue of sex & sexuality. I have to applaud her on how she dealt with lesbian woman (or at least the beginnings of it) but my main problem was that the book was mainly directed at how we can prevent our daughters from growing up with twisted sexual views of themselves. She however, said very very very little about what women who have grown up with these twisted sexual images of themselves and of others can DO about them now. And I guess that is more of what I was looking for.... a handbook on how I can reclaim the sexual being that maybe I should have been? *sighs* I don’t know. I am just quite thoroughly upset about the misrepresentation of her book that she gave from the title. It should have been called "Stolen Women: Giving our Daughters a healthy sexual view of themselves and others" or something along those lines. *sighs* So that was a wasted book to read...at least right now.
So what’s going on that has me trying to reclaim a sexuality that may have never been lost?? I don’t know... I guess that I am really trying to look into what causes relationships of mine to crash and burn. I mean.... I know that as far as being very much so emotionally available.. I am not there. I am not the type of woman to pouuuuurrr my heart out to someone (that I am in a relationship with). Why? I don’t know.... it just to me seems to be too hard to try to explain how you feel to someone who will assume that most or at least some of what you are feeling is affected by them. I mean.. how do you nicely tell the one that you are supposed to be in love with that your problems don’t have a DAMN thing to do with them??? And still expect them to be as receptive and as listening as someone who is outside of the relationship would be? Okay.... so that would be one problem. Another thing is that I am selfish. *shrugs* I admit it. It takes alot for me to give a damn about you...and how you may be feeling.. and what you want. For me it is always Jazzy first, Jazzy last, Jazzy all between. Yet with my friends, somehow I can work it out so that they never feel left out... and I STILL do whatever the hell I want to. What else? Of yeah.... one of the reasons I grabbed the book... sex.... I *thinks* I don’t know... to me sex is ...has been.. and always will be something fun to do where you have alot of energy.. are bored.. and are around someone you are sexually attracted to. TO me..sex doesn’t have a damn thing to do with love. I have (and I am sure will continue to have) sex with folx I don’t love... wouldn’t even consider loving... but the opportunity was there.. and both parties were interested.. so we got down.... but to say that sex is a representation of love? I don’t know about all that... it seems like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I have felt the deepest love that I will ever feel with someone who I (at this point) can’t even IMAGINE having sex with. It would be unnatural and unsuitable, yet that does not change in the least the amount of love that I hold for him. The person that I have had the MOST sex with in my life.... I avoid him like the plague now.... there is no interest (on my side), no love (on either side) and yet there is no bitterness either. And I don’t know... it makes a woman start to wonder if she is unnatural... when most of her thoughts about sex fit into what classically a ‘man’ thought about sex and not a woman. I mean yeah... me being gay might have a bit of something to do with that but still.. even most of the gay woman that I have been in close contact with have been stuck in the ‘womanly’ sex equals love kind of mindset. So what is up with me?? Do I have the distinctive luck of being that woman who never fits into the scale of what a woman is supposed to be? I don’t know...because at the same time as I look on sex in a distinctly ‘unwomanly’ way, I look upon myself as being all 100% bona -fide triple femme woman. I am the girly girl.... the girliest of girls. Even in jeans, a sweatshirt and a baseball cap there is never any doubt as to whether I am a girl or a boy.... I am a woman.... all woman. The way I walk, talk, move, switch, shift, stand, sigh and even BREATHE dammit lets you know that I am a woman.. and that everybody within thirty feet of me knows that I am a woman too... but at the same time.. I don’t THINK like a ‘woman’ does. *sighs* I don’t know.... sometimes I just accept myself as I am.... and other times (usually right after I bounce offa somebody else’s expectations of me) I just have to sit down and analyze myself... and I keep coming up with the same answer ( you would think that one day I would listen to myself...right?? ) I need my emotional/mental/psychic twin to be in a relationship with. Until I find that soulmate of mine... that half of me that was lost when the world first began.. *laughs* I will never make it through a relationship. And while when I find that person I don’t expect life to be all sweet and peachy suddenly.. (we will fight, cuss, break up and all that ) I expect that I will have no problems always being totally and fully myself.. no one else... no side issues... no softened words.. no nothing but raw and pure Jazzy. And somehow I think that if I EVER find a person who is strong enough to deal with that.. and at the sane time soft enough to be able to love & be loved... I will hold onto her/him for life.... and beyond.


Stay Jazzed.