Capable

I've started this entry three times. The first time, I was writing about my weight, and scrapped that to go into my personal journal. The second time I was interrupted to go to lunch, and when I came back it made no sense at all. This is the third time - let's hope I make some sense this time.

Capable: having attributes (as physical or mental power) required for performance or accomplishment.
For some odd reason, I'm very suddenly aware of the fact that I'm NOT writing for just me - or more accurately, evne though I AM writing for just me, there is a WORLD of other people out there who could read it. It's rather like looking up and suddenly realizing that the wall across from you is made of glass - and there are PEOPLE on the other side of it. So - I'm OD shy.

I've got all these 'issues' roiling about in my head - which seem to have been spurred by my weight loss (which even I get sick of taling about sometimes) but that I know I NEED to talk about (or at leat get out on paper) for the very simple reason that if I don't deal with and look at the emotional feelings I'm getting as I change - it's going to be a lot harder for me to maintain that change. Or, am I over analyzing once again?

It's always been said that who you are is directly based on three things - your physical self, your mental self, and your eotional self - three lobes of everyone that determines WHO they are. When I first started this process, I was concerned that I would change WHO I was because I am changing how I look. At this point (still not YET 50 pounds on the scale - but from a 22 to a 14) I think I'm changing. And - I don't know WHO this new chick is!

She's a lot more than me. She's more fearless, more bold, more outgoing, more flirtaous, more energetic, more aggressive, more sexual, more open, more confident. She's also less than me - less shy, less nervous, less concerned about negative opinions, less quiet. It's not that I'm complaining - not in the least. In some odd ways I feel like I'm turning into the woman that I've always wanted to be - but DAMN it's scary. I feel like I'm on some HUGE rollarcoaster ride that I've strapped myself into and stubbornly REFUSE to climb off of. I feel like I'm getting sucked into being intensely concerned about how I look, how I walk, how I sit, how my hair is done - good lord I feel like I'm becoming vain, and that I DON'T like. But at the same time - there is such a fine line between being vain and just keeping myself looking nice. I'm not used to just looking nice. I'm not used to walking by a mirror and slowing down rather than speeding up because I appreciate what I see. I'm not used to getting glances from people and KNOWING that they are glances of appreciation rather than of disgust, and dammit it's WEIRD, and I'm not sure how to handle it - or even if it is something that NEEDS to be handled. Perhaps, rather like on a rollercoaster, I should just lean WAYYYYY back, toss my hands in the air, and enjoy every second of this ride.

But for me, and my determined control issues, I don't kow if I'm capable of such relaxation. I don't know if I CAN just let myself go emotionally and take 'this' to it's end point. It's really scary and wonderful and nerveracking and exciting all at once - and I simply CANNOT believe that I'm going through all this mental gymnastics over FOURTY-FOUR pounds. I mean - what's going to happen when I hit having lost 64 pounds? Or even 84? How do people who have weightloss surgery handle it? I've done this slow transformation over 10 months - how do people handle losing 100 pounds in that same amount of time? That has GOT to warp your sense of self.

And now - I've added exercise to it, and that's scaring me even more because I KNOW how I react to exercise, and it's rapid and very pleasing and I'm jsut not sure I'm READY! And I've been cheating more, but I'm still losing inches and I think some of the cheating is because I'm scared. I don't know WHAT I'm scared of - but it's scary. Hm. That's a good point. What AM I scared of? Simply change? *sigh* I don't know. I suppose that's a big part of the issue roiling about in my head - a vague formless fear of something that will come about from being slim - maybe a fear of losing control? Is my fat some sort of mental bomb shelter for me that i can creep under and hide? Am I afraid of being really 'seen' - being noticed for my looks first rather than my big ole brain? Am I afraid that I will get sick of Corey and feel like I can 'catch' something different? Am I afraid that in the end I WON'T change and will still be in the same spot I am in now, just skinnier? I don't know.... I think I can say no to all of thsoe fears - but what other kind of fears could this be dredging up?

I realized again that somehow I managed to make this entire entry about my weight - but I suppose if that is what's on my mind, that's what i should write about - but actually now that I've gotten THAT out of the way - I want to write about some other stuff as well.
Hm.