Giving, Cooking, Moving.

So... I told C. that I'm going to Geneva this morning. He had a few vulgar words to say about EL's timing, and their raw power over their employees, but then he got over it pretty quick...so that's a relief. He did however say that he would have to give me my V'Day gift early (!!) so that I could take it with me. Eep! That means I need to get on the ball to figure out what the heck I'm going to give him. I'm thinking I might go with the naughty picture book that I was going to give him at Christmas but put on hold. :) I think that V'Day is a very appropiate time of year for that kinda gift, eh?

 

I already know what he's getting for his birthday - the Kid Buu Saga. *sigh* That man and DBZ, I swear it's scary sometimes. *grins* But what is he going to get me, that's the question?? I should take a picture of my birthday gift - it was late (per usual) but it's still lovely. It's one of those picture within a crystal thingies - the picture is of a bunch of roses with "I Love You"  underneath of them. He reasoning? He always gives me roses, but they die so quickly - so he wanted to give me flowers that would never die, like our love. *sniffsniif* I'm not a weeper, but I did almost tear up over that one. *siiigh*

 

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I already know that I have to go out tommorow - two of my coworkers recently moved, and I've begged for some boxes fro them. They both live on the other side of town, and I'm going there tommorow to pick up the boxes. It's going to be a real adventure fitting all of them into my car....but I figure I'll save myself both a headache and a pretty penny when it comes time for us to move. If we move at all.... I've realized that if things work out they way I am hoping that they do, we'll be moving in early 2005 - hopefully out of In. alltogether. If that happens - does it really make sense to move to a DIFFERENT apartment for a mere 6-9 months? But then of course, the question is - am I willing to live in this apartment for any longer than I have to? </P>

*sigh* </P>

In other sorta moving related news, C. is once again on the job hunt. He still has a job, but he's looking for something more suitable for his experience. He had an interview last week, and then went and cooked for them this week, and it looks really good. He would be&nbsp; the Exec for a very nice bistro on the northside, and *sigh* it would be a GREAT job. He's also gotten several potential customers for his personal chef business that he is trying to start up. I'm excited for him, and intensely nervous all at once. If he get's this Exec job - he does NOT need to leave the area. And.. *sigh* I don't NEED to leave the area either, but - oh how badly I want to. How hard I am working to position myself so that I can. But - quite simply, I'm not willing to leave him. Period. And that - that scares the living dillylights out of me. What if it comes to a choice between his job and mine? Esp. considering that he job - his career - is what he plans on doing for now &amp; forever, whereas I'm angling to get OUT of doing what I'm doing ASAP. *sigh* And moving out of IN (almost no matter where) would position me closer to doing what I want/need to do. So. yeah. *sigh* It's all jsut up in the air right now, because he doesn't have the job... but - if he get's it. *sigh*&nbsp; I've mentioned this to him in a lighthearted way in passing, but... *sigh* I don't know what to think/feel right now.

Tugging on Hair

Argh. Okay. Something told me that I should have found a local jeweler that I could rely on rather than sending it back to the jeweler I purchased it from - but ah well. Jeweler email's me today, tells me that the setting is for an emerald, and while they COULD get the princess in there, of course it wouldn't look nearly as good as I want it to.

 

So - I'm trying to talk to the store I brought the setting from - and he is telling me that I should have included the measurements of my stone if I wanted to be sure that the setting would fit. Now tell me - if you advertise a ring that will fit a PRINCESS cut stone between 1 to 2 carats - why would I need to send in my measurements if that's TRULY what will fit? I was starting to get irate, so I got off the phone with him, but I am going to call him back. I a) want him to expressmail the RIGHT setting to my jeweler and b) reimburse me for the cost of shipping the setting back to him, as it is their fault that I got the wrong ring. *sigh* 

 

I wouldn't be so touchy about this - but I'm leaving the country soon, and dammit I WANT my ring before I go. I've already lost a week in getting a misrepresented setting and sending it along with my ring to my jeweler - I don't think I can afford to lose another week waiting for them to get their stuff together. Gah! If my jeweler tells me that he won't be able to get it done in time.... *sigh* what a waste of money.

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Speaking of waste of money - *sigh* Remember how I was talking about C. telling me that on Sundsy we would go out and have dinner since I didn't feel like doing it on Tuesday when he originally asked? Well - we went out last night, had a lovely meal, and because he somehow 'forgot' that he had offered to take me out for dinner, I ended up paying for it. I don't really think I can express precisely how tweaked I was over that. *sigh* That was 90 bucks I SOOOO couldn't afford to spend - and I'm not sure if I'm more upset at him for assuming I was paying (after he said that he would) or more upset at myself for not picking up on the signals he was giving off that indicated that he expected ME to pay. *sigh* Or - maybe I'm mostly upset over the fact that he offered to take me out - an then in a matter of days totally forgot about it! yeah - I think that is what irls me the most - I was so excited about my baby taking me out to dinner - and here I ened up taking myself out to someplace that wouldn't have been my first choice to spend 90 dollars at - and as it was snowing, I even DROVE. *sigh*

 

So. It's going to be a tight next two weeks - when he gives me the money for the bills, I'm going to have to take part of it and go grocery shopping, then apply all of the rest to bills. Gah!

 

Oh well. Spilt milk & the like. I'm actually considering just sending the setting back, getting my money back for it, and trying again later. At least that way, I'll still be able to save a little this month. *sigh*  I'll still have wasted the money that I spent to ship my ring there and to pay for it to be shipped back - but I'll still get at least 80 bucks back from the whole deal.

Love Letter to a Snoring Man & Unborn Child

So - most of the day has gone by. C. is back - sleep on the couch again. I'm still here though - buzzed on rum, playing with my tongue ring, wondering if we are still on the right path. I can't doubt it though, simply because I'm so happy. I love him...without even the least hint of a shadow of a doubt. He IS my love.

Sometimes I wonder how I defined love without him. The looks he has on his face - the fact that I can truly understand him - even when I don't agree. I think sometimes that is a huge part of what is pushing me towards reproduction. I want to see what he & me are together, truly - together without a hope of never being together.

 

That's rather scary actually...I suppose that if I think of OUR children being that - an irrevocable expression of the best of the two of us - I am myself (hopefully) the best of my mother and father. What would I have been if my father had shaped me (actively) as much as my mother had? I'm granting him the option of having shaped me passively - shaped me by the very fact of not being there...but what sort of woman would I be if my father WAS there - shaping me by the effect of his personality??

 

Hm. Well - any way - I love him. Sleepy, snoring, sex-fiend and all - I love him. *gigglees* Truly - like a journal of old -  I do love him. And with a mature, level-headed look at it all - I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

Heaven! on earth. That's what marriage is. And because it's on earth it's not all perfection. Sometimes in blissful, sometimes it's painful - but it's always heaven. The - simple certainty of him BEING there - sometimes that's all that I need. :)

 

I should tell him these things - rather than telling ya'll. I should be able to express these things without the influence of alcohol - but at no other time am I so honest - with others or with myself.

 

*smile* I LOVE him. Like I would love a child of my flesh. Like I did love a child of my flesh. *sigh* I would be less than I am  - every day, all day - without him. The best sort of support is the one that you don't even realize you have.

 

I love you baby - today and everyday. *kisses* As cheesey as it is - you DO complete me.

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In a slightly less disgustingly gooey vein of thinking (and WHY is my font so small??) I doubt that we will  go to see LOR:ROTK tomorrow. Somehow, the likelihood of ME awaking before noon (I won't even try to  blame it on C.) is low to nil. And as C. knows how much of a bitch I am when I am awakened early - yeah, just Joe's. Heh.  We came to an agreement - Joe's crab shack it shall be. Yum! Crabs & butter - Atkins heaven.

 

And yes - I would give up LOR:ROTK in order for him to see the RR on time. Okay - beyond anything ELSE I've said - that shit is scary. I'm not sure which is more scary - the fact that I'm  willing to give up what I would like for him, or the fact that I myself actually wanna see RR in some ways. :) yeah - I guess I'm not as bougie as Papi makes me out to be.

 

*googoo eyes* He's my baby. Mercy - that clears up in so many ways why babies break up relationships... the man goes from being the 'baby' to being the 'daddy' - what a huge leap in perception!

 

Yes - I do want to be a mother. *sigh* I dream it, I crave it - the challenges, the responsibilties - I just don't want to have to work for a living while I do it.  *laughs* C. asked me earlier today if I would follow him where-ever his career led him.  I told him I would - as long as I could either have a job that paid as well as my current one does, or he paid my bills. *sigh* That's all I ask - either pay me for being a dedicated mother, or let me free myself from the requirements of debt before I become a mother. Hm. Either or....I'd excell at both. I'd honestly be weepily, hopelessly, utterly traumatized if I had to leave my little one - I'd DO it - but oh! how unhappy I would be. I'd have to cosleep - just to heal MYSELF of the wounds from being away from my little one throughout the day.

 

Yeah - even love is limited by money. Cursed gold.

 

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, and I'll be one of those mother who can drop the kid, and move on with my life without a hiccup at all.

 

Nah....I'm cold - but heaven knows little people melt every once of ice in me. *sigh*

Time flows ever on....

So... Today's me birthday.

This is the first birthday that I've felt time really slipping by - I feel like I'm looking forward to a wall in front of me at which my life 'stops' and I don't have nearly enough time between now and then to possibly fill my life with all that I want to do before my life 'stops'. Yet, at the same time - that makes no bloody sense  to me. I know that all of sudden at 30 I won't change into someone else. I know that I will still be able to do what I would like to do - hell, I might even be more able to do what I want to do.

 

Maybe it's the fact that the reviews of my life that I've done over the last few months, combined with this birthday are making me frustrated at the TIME that it will take for me to get where I want to be. I mean - I know what I want to do. I think I know where I want to live. I'm pretty darn sure that I know who I am (most days) and I feel like I'm forcibly stuck in neutral for a good period of time.

 

And then - I've absorbed so much of that stuff about a woman's fertile period of time. I KNOW  that we don't want to have kids anytime soon - unless something major & almost magical happens (please, Florence, please!) - it'll be acouple of years. And I want to have several bambinos - 3, maybe even 4....or more. And dammit, unless I have twins, I might be still gestating at 35-37. And - *sigh* I don't know if I want to be doing that. So - maybe more than anything...all of a sudden I'm looking at a shift in the 'timeline' I've set for myself - where suddenly my planned timeline is a bit longer than the time I actually have. And - while I can't plan or predict the future to a tee....it's - odd to realize that what I thought of as 'the future' is suddenly HERE.

 

Yeah - that's it. The future is today, and I'm not quite ready to move into it.