I'm a Big Girl Now!!

Somehow, that's really what it feels like - like I am officially, no questions about it, a grown ass woman. 

Well see, I've (personally) thought that I was a grown ass woman for a while, because well, ya know - I've always been mature for my age. But somehow, I was still too young. Anytime someone asked me how old I was, and I opened my mouth and said 'Twenty....' you could almost see the slight dismissal of 'Oh, she's still just a baby' written in the smile that followed the '-seven'. 

But now, when I'm asked how old I am - I'll be able to start with 'Thirty.' - and really, no matter what number follows that 30, it counts me as grown.  I haven't been this excited about a birthday since I turned 21 - and think! I have this to look forward to every ten years!    

I've got no plans for today. I'm doing the final pre-birth meeting with my doula client today. I think I'm going to rearrange the living room this afternoon. I have no clue what my husband got me, and I'm quvieringly excited to see - as this is the first time I haven't really - SPECIFIED - what I want. I can either be amazingly delighted or delightfully disappointed - we shall see.

The DITL was supposed to be yesterday - but I think I'll do today. Just because.

I'm 30, ya'll. *giddy grins* That feels wonderful to say.

Delightful...

Life is delightful, which means I have nothing to bitch about, which means I'm not writing much. I know, I know, I suck.

My birthday is in a few weeks! I've asked hubby to get me a new iPod, as well - I COULD ask for jewelry, but I'd rather get something REALLY useful. And - and - I'll be finally able to go back to the gym!  I'm trying to sweet talk mom into giving us a matresses (but I hope she doesn't because then I would feel beholden and leechly), but I suspect she'll send me something I would have never expected anyhow.

I'm going to be 30! Me & mom were laughing today about how the older I get, the younger she seems - it's really kinda cool. I don't feel anything vaguely near APPROACHING thirty - is this what it's supposed to feel like?  Maybe it's the fact that I'm joyful rather than mournful - hell, I'm still ALIVE! And I'm rich!  

Anyhow. Since I have nothing to say, I was hoping ya'll would inspire me.

Ask me a question about anything, ask me to take a picture of anything, or ask me a question that needs a picture to answer it..... whatever.

Gimme SOMETHING ya'll!  

cuz all I really am, is a grain of sand

 

We are each born with a cup full of sand - some peoples cups only have a grain or two, and others cups seem to be endlessly deep. But no matter who you are, you don't know how many grains are in your cup.
Each moment that we live is a grain of sand - tiny, mostly seemingly insignificant, and we often forget that there is only a limited number of grains given to each of us.
We should (I must) treasure each of those grains, try to find the beauty in it, try to learn something from it, and most of all, open myself to the wonder that IS those grains - because I will never know which grain will be my last.

 

---

 

I don't feel any different today - maybe even a little younger rather than older...and I haven't figured out what my gift to me is going to be.

:) If I could find a ring of sand, that would be cool.

 

Time flows ever on....

So... Today's me birthday.

This is the first birthday that I've felt time really slipping by - I feel like I'm looking forward to a wall in front of me at which my life 'stops' and I don't have nearly enough time between now and then to possibly fill my life with all that I want to do before my life 'stops'. Yet, at the same time - that makes no bloody sense  to me. I know that all of sudden at 30 I won't change into someone else. I know that I will still be able to do what I would like to do - hell, I might even be more able to do what I want to do.

 

Maybe it's the fact that the reviews of my life that I've done over the last few months, combined with this birthday are making me frustrated at the TIME that it will take for me to get where I want to be. I mean - I know what I want to do. I think I know where I want to live. I'm pretty darn sure that I know who I am (most days) and I feel like I'm forcibly stuck in neutral for a good period of time.

 

And then - I've absorbed so much of that stuff about a woman's fertile period of time. I KNOW  that we don't want to have kids anytime soon - unless something major & almost magical happens (please, Florence, please!) - it'll be acouple of years. And I want to have several bambinos - 3, maybe even 4....or more. And dammit, unless I have twins, I might be still gestating at 35-37. And - *sigh* I don't know if I want to be doing that. So - maybe more than anything...all of a sudden I'm looking at a shift in the 'timeline' I've set for myself - where suddenly my planned timeline is a bit longer than the time I actually have. And - while I can't plan or predict the future to a tee....it's - odd to realize that what I thought of as 'the future' is suddenly HERE.

 

Yeah - that's it. The future is today, and I'm not quite ready to move into it.

I can start the 'lasts' now.....

 Interestingly enough - I haven't really started doing the litany of 'lasts' yet. No clue why, just haven't. But...I'm going to document my frst one here.

 Today is my last birthday as an single woman. Next year (and every year after that) I'll either be married, divorced, or widowed. Yipes.

 I've found a new reply for people who complain about getting older - "You have two choices. You can either be older, or you can be dead." Oddly enough, after thinking about that, getting older sounds pretty darn cool.

Corey asked me today if I was where I expected to be at 26. I had to think about it for a while, but I think I am. I expected to be settled - while I never really thought I would be getting MARRIED, but I thought that I would at least be in a stable realtionship with the man that I would have kids with at some point. I expected to be further along financially, but I'm content with where I am. I'm happy. I'm not TOTALLY satisfied with myself, but that just gives me something to work towards. :)

Happy Birthday tooooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jasmyn

Quarter Century

*deep breath*

 Happy...birthday...to me. 
 Happpppyyyyy....birthday...toooo me.
 Happpppppppppppyyyyyyyyyy Birthday, to me.
 HAAAAPppppPPYYYYY Birthday, tooooooo meeeeeeeee!!!

 I'm 25. :) I'm alive, healthy, childless, loved and loving, still my mother's child, still blessed with my grandmothers presence. Nutured by women to love them, intrigued by men, to love them. I'm ME...in every way imaginable. I'm who I am from the tops of my almost blond locs to the ends of my cracked and dry toes. From the Id that overwhelms me, to the sub ego that I refuse me see. And I've lived for a quarter of one hundred years. Twenty five that is. 25.

Happy Birthday, GirlChild.

Random Comment

My birthday is Saturday. I have utterly no clue what I am going to do. Lucky me...the OD is only 2 weeks off when it comes to my age.
Ugh. I'm going home, curling up in the middle of my bed, and going to sleep until tommorow morning.
I'm trying to turn myself into a morning person. Going to bed around 9:30 - 10ish, and getting up and going to work around 5am. Though I still have no problem sleeping an entire day away...seeing daylight on the weekends is pretty cool.
I hate hate hate being broke. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed!

J said - Happy Birthday To Me...again...

Okay,,this time it is for real..... I'm a little early cuz I wasn't born until 9:19 pm. but....




HAPPY BIRTHDAY J. YOU THE GIRL. AND YOU GETTING OLD!!!!!



Enough of that....I didn't realize it was my birthday until I got to work and saw the date on my phone. humph.

I don't really ahve anything to talk about... for once... except for my money problems... I wonder how long I can go without food so I can pay my bills?? I can afford to be a little smaller than what I am now....*shrugs* I'l figure out something...

*blows out candles and makes a wish*

J said - Adulthood/Happy Birthday to Me....

I don't feel like I'm anywhere near being 22. I still feel like I'm 18..young dumb and innocent. I mean, what makes you grown up??? having more bills than you can pay??? I've got that one down... being totally dependent on yourself... yeah.. I'm damn near close to that.. having a job? yup got that one...I mean what is the defining point?? when do you finally become an adult?? at marriage?? at the birth of your first child?? when?

And as this birthday approaches.. I think that it is the first one where I can say.. nothing will change... I won't feel any different.. I won't BE any different..

I’ll still be the same old J. going to work and coming home and doing all that regular stuff. It’s almost like… if something really interesting happened in my life, I could see me almost totally forgetting that it was my birthday….and dealing with something else…

Then I think about where my mommy as right now….she was in school...about to take her break…. Because she had me...right before she turned 23. Dear god.. I am so unprepared to have child right now… was she?? How did she deal with it??? Did she cry?? Did she consider abortion?? *shivers* It’s really odd thinking about what might have been… If I never was….. her and my father were together…so that was some support but still…

I still fell like a child.. and I have been out of the house for about as long as she was, and I have grown up in… well in today’s world…so I’m no wide eyed innocent, but still…. I can’t imagine…me…having a baby. Yet she had me, and raised me, and loved me….through all of the changes that life had put both of us through….my mommy was always there. And even now.. as I try to strike out on my own path...my own life…my mommy is still there…in the background yes...but still a support by my side.

I have never thought of this before…I wonder how I changed her life…where she would be without me…and would she ever have thought of me...as that baby who came too soon…would she have married A. ? would she have became Muslim? Hmmm.. one simple step…the simple lack of doing something...has changed us so much… that we wouldn’t recognize ourselves without the changes.

I wonder what my grandmother thought?? Was she happy? Was she upset?? How did she react to the fact that her baby girl was having a child of her own? I know my aunt was supportive…and my uncle too.


Lives change because of the introduction of something new… I am waiting for that change…waiting for that single moment that will forcibly catapult me from adolescence to adulthood. Maybe it will be graduation...maybe it will be getting my first car…but somehow.. I don’t think that it will be a birthday.