The Darkest of times

Tonight is the longest night of the year. The world is shrouded in total darkness for a time... and then, as with all things in the world...it comes back to life. Celebrate the joy of rebirth, and new life. The start of something new...always means the end/death of something old.


Happy Solstice.


Stay Jazzed.

Happy Birthday Jazzy!!

How ironic.... 200 entries and my one year OpenDiary anniversary on the same day....hmmm you might almost think I had planned it that way. *wink wink*
Anyway.. I am celebrating right now.. I just emailed my last final to my professor...and I am FREE until January 12th to do what I please. No more pens no more books no more teachers dirty looks. Now... if I only passed all of my classes everything will be well. Anyhow...

The whole reason I was supposed to be writing has kinda gotten blurred, but that is okay because I was in no state to write about the woman that I was and the women I have become. It is really sad.. but I think that the main changes I have seen in myself are in my heart and my libido. Last year at this time, the last thing that I thought I would be doing next year would be discussing with my girlfriend whether or not we should move in together....*laughs* I mean realllllllyyyy..... so much has changed. I can’t even presume to think about what might be going on NEXT year at his time...especially considering that I would have graduated from college by ten, have a real job leading a to successful career hopefully...and... dear goddess I might not even be in the city anymore.

This time last year I was looking for love, religion, and stability in a life that suddenly seemed totally topsy turvy and screwed over.. now... hmmm I am at a calm point...how long it will last I don’t know... but... at least I can make myself believe that I can foresee the future and see my path moving smoothly towards a certain goal. And even better...and even more amazing for me... I can myself with someone....moving towards that goal. *laughs* I can see myself in a long term relationship...and it feels as natural and as regular as me saying that I am going to be with me for the rest of my life. Mannn.. I wonder if it is her womanhood that makes this so easy.. or is it her tashi-ness that makes this so easy... somehow.. I think that it is both.

Sighs...anyhow.... I just wanted to say a little something for this day.. and for this entry... and remind us all...


Stay Jazzed

Treading water

*deep breaths*
I am working on 6 hours of sleep since Sunday.
I have three finals left to take.
I have a horrendously dirty house.
I have no food.
I will survive.

Stay Jazzed.

Oh.. the Humanity!

Sometimes… I think that people forget that they are human.

I had to reread that sentence about four times before it started to make any sense to me. Yes….I did write the sentence ..and think of the sentence.. but it still took a while to sink in to my head what I am feeling..what I am trying to say… sometimes…people forget they are HUMAN. The things that we bitterly complain about others not doing…we don’t do ourselves. And I am not talking about the major things.. the life changing ones… I am talking about the little things.. the things that remind us that we are humans… not walking talking thinking animals. *sighs *

I’m talking about saying excuse me when trying to get by… I’m talking about treating someone with respect because they may be somebody’s mother father sister brother..and you would want yours treated the same way. I’m talking about smiling good morning… or wishing people a nice night….I’m talking about holding open a door… smiling at a baby… offering help. *sighs* I don’t know.. I’m tired and stressed and feeling despondent and…. I just don’t know.. I am surrounded by people who are so.. unfeeling so cold so heartless aht you wonder who raised these people… what happened to that attribute of caring and understanding that is captured in the word humanity.

People…show so little humanity to each other on a day to day basis… *sighs* It steps on my spirit and makes me want to cry fort he hopelessness of trying to do anything good in the world when people can’t even remember that we are all human…. That we all need love and shelter and warmth and family and…. Kindness and the little stuff that makes life more than just a day to day run for money and possessions.
I’m tired and sad and *sighs* I think I will go to bed now….

Stay Jazzed .
Stay Human.

Moaning......

Ever had something that you wanted really bad... and then when you got it you found out that it wasn't really what you wanted at all? Well I found it... totally by accident... and though I feel better.... somehow it isn't what I wanted at all.

Stay Jazzed.

12/3/99

*sighs* I think that I must have picked the utterly WORST period of my life to choose to write daily in...
I am so busy that now I consider writing in that day to mean if I write on the date itself... or the date of the day I woke up in... :) I will be okay...*sighs*
I am scared...scared scared scared. I don't want to write the words down for fear they may be true.. but I am terrified.. pertrifed and utterly afraid of what my be coming in my life. If I was a praying woman I would pray...and even though I am not.. I still am. *sighs* Okay...back to the story....

---

Where was I?? Oh yes... the inner child/slut/parent. *sighs* I don't really want to talk about that... I don't really want to talk about anything. At least nothing serious...nothing major. I want to talk about something as light and unimportant as a old feather in the rain. BUt everything in my life seems to be weighing me down like...like mud. Think and sucking and... *sighs* I fight with everything taht is in me to stay strong and to pull myself up out of the pit. *sighs* graduation is too too far away...somedays it seems like the only bright spot in my life is Tashi. We are so dainty with each other... trying to feel out each and every thing we want to do before we do it to insure no...upset in the relationship. *sighs* And there I went.. back into something heavy...*blows a kiss up the Mountain* Sleep well my sweet....

Stay Jazzed.

Starting Over Again....

Inner Child: classically defined as that which keeps you young, more commonly defined as that which makes you immature.

I have a inner child, and a inner parent, and sometimes.., just sometimes...they go to war over who will rule me this day.. this time... this month. For a while... for a long while in the beginning of the year.. I killed both of them and brought out the inner slut. * nods* Looking back now.. I have no problem saying that. For a while.. for a long while it was a kinda hurtful thing.. a kinda outer expression of the utter uncertainty and shame that I was feeling because of my utter total and graceful failing that marked my experience at Tech.
I did stupid things... things that were beyond idiotic, and things that while I do not regret.. I thank all that has control and mercy that I escaped from those experiences unscathed. I did things that I will never talk about.. never share.... except for maybe here .... in a private entry. But this isn't about the sex... it is about the woman that I was and the woman that I have begun...once again...to grow into.

A year ago... I was hunting for a job... preparing myself for the 'real' world that I was about to step into. I was scared stiff, with almost no self-confidence, and a low sense of self worth. I was afraid...and depressed...and in denial of both emotions. Yeah... I was a bit of a wreck waiting to happen. but I pushed on... ignoring everything else but the very singular goal of getting employment... getting a place to live... and getting the hell out of dodge. From what I remember that I was feeling... I was mainly ashamed. I felt like a quitter a loser a.. idiotic little girl who had made herself out to be so much better than everyone else... and who had finally taken her long deserved fall. *shakes head * damn... I was seriously stressed.... not only did I fell like I Had let everyone else in my entire life down... from my high school teachers to my mother...I really had no clue as to who I was.. So much of who I was as a person was wrapped up in my academic achievement.. that when that was lost.. I didn't know where to go or who to become.

And the amazing part is that all of this happened on the inside..only those who were very very very close to me (my momma and mi papi) could even tell that something was wrong. *shrugs * I tended to keep everything inside... because I thought that no one would understand me. *smiles * it is beuatiful to see how far I have come... how much I have changed. Man.... I don't know how to write this.. how to express just how radically the same and yet different I am now. Damn.... how do you wrap up a year of growth in a single entry?? in five entries? in a hundred entries? and I don't want to just gloss over the highlights.. because there really were none... only small snowballs that changed the whole face of me.

*laughs * I can't even start to subsume what I was into what I am.. the growth and change was so subtle... that I didn't even notice it until I looked.... damn. Sometimes.... I feel like the inner child & the inner parent have merged together.... smoothing out one of my many personalities into a dainty blending of one whole person.

Stay Jazzed.

Let's Get Som'thin Started....

Curiouser and Curiouser
said the spider to the fly
you see me
and you walk right on by

keep on walking
I ain't talking
to ya
anymore.....

I have noticed over time that my entry titles tend to be songs. OR at least bits of songs that float through my head. I have on of those irritatingly anal retentive minds that can grab a song from most simple phrases. If I have ever heard a song with that bit of something in it..>.*shakes head * I am done...the song is stuck in my head for a while... but anyway.. that isn't really what I wanted to write about today. I have decided that I will write every day this month...going back over the year in review.... Now that I think about it...my anniversary should be coming up... if it hasn't passed by already. Okay.. my anniversary is on the 7th. hmmm.. It's amazing... it certainly doesn't FEEL like I have been here for a year.. but I have..the proof is.. as they say in the writing. Anyway.... this has been an amazingly long year... I have gone through some serious changes.. some ups ands downs.. dear god just thinking about now.. I have seriously LIVED this year if I haven't lived in any other year. Well... I have to come up with a format for these entries... some sort of order... I think I will work from the inside out...starting with me and how I have changed over this year... and moving out.... from feelings to looks to love to....whateva else there may be.... Though some of them might not get on here in time considering I have no clue how I will be getting online from home *sighs * my momma really needs to just break down and get a new computer.

Here goes....

Stay Jazzed

---

This is the first day...of the rest of our lives. How long it will last...I don't know...where we will end up...I don't know...but for the love I feel and the hope I hold....I am willing to give it a try.