Birds in the Bush

So.... I'm seriously starting to look for a new job. *gulp*

I feel - like a traitor somehow, but - *sigh* I don't feel - secure in what I'm doing right now. I don't think that they are going to be able (or willing, really) to give me what I want - a position ON a release - outside of Indiana - with a pay raise....and I know that I can get all of that rather simply by switching companies.

Still - there's this - seed of doubt in me about whether I'm being bratty - whether I'm expecting too much with too little of a track record - whether I'm wrong for expecting rewards and movement to acknowledge the growth, experience, and skill that I've demonstrated over the last year and a half (damn near two, really). Instead, I feel like I'm being shunted backwards to doing what I was doing two years ago - drifting between projects, 'supporting' many but actually part of none. I don't feel very valued - despite how much everyone BUT my superiors tell me I'm needed - and it's pissing me off.

And of course, the fact that I'm scoping out jobs on monster that pay 1.5 to 3 times as much for what I'm doing now (with a litttle stretch for the 3x I'll admit) really doesn't give me any incentive to stay.

And of course, the fact that someone ELSE would pay to move me & the hub & the catlings OUT of fucking Indiana - oh raptourous joy!

So what's wrong with me? I've got a scrawny bitter little bird in my hand, and I'm hearing all these fat juicy eager birds in the bush, and I don't even want to reach out my OTHER hand to test how plump they really are.

I think that I'm afraid that I'm really NOT all that good, and that I really DON'T deserve a promotion or the position that I want, and that I'm fooling myself by thinking that anyone else would hire me, and the empress is about to be standing in the street buckass naked - but shit, I've WORKED with people who know less than I do, who made more than I do, and who everyone KNEW was worthless, and he STILL got a juicy year & a half of employment out of the company. So - me, who learns fast,works faster, has a knack for getting along with people, and who absorbs knowledge like a sponge - what IS my worry/issue?

Gah. I think I just feel - stable. I'm in a rut right now, and I am going to try to wheelie my way the hell out of it (and what better time than now BEFORE C finds another job that will keep us in Indy for a while? While I'm drifting between projects and won't feel like I'm abandoning one? Before they start to 'dangle' the HOPE of an OUS job in front of me, that I strongly suspect 6 monthes later would vanish in the face of 'budgeting') and I'm scared shitless of it. I've never really LOOKED for a job before. This job I was recruited for out of college, and I didn't really have many options that kept me AWAY from programming - and paid any kind of money.  But I really feel like a babe in the woods, and as the majority of most of the contacts I've made have been AT this company - it's kinda - crude to ask them how best to improve my chances at getting a job someplace else, yes?

*deep breath*

I'm going to talk to Corey about this when I get home - see if he has any particular preferences...and grab some reading on cover letters and interviewing and all that crap - and then I guess I'll just have to take the plunge eh? I don't have to quit till I have another contract in hand - and if I DON'T get any offers - I'll know that I've got more learning, work, and growth to do - and I'll accept the assesment of my superiors. Maybe.  *grin*