J said - Joy Pills

I’m sure that everyone has seen the little bottles of pills that they sell in Spencer’s that are supposed to do all sorts of wonderful things. Give an old person back their memory, a young person wisdom, an impotent man back his ‘prowess’. I always found them fascinating, but I wonder what the most popular selling one would be if they actually worked. I think that the one I would buy and give to all of my friends would have to be the Joy Pill. Now mind you, I don’t even know if they sell one like that, but if they did it would be a blessing. When I say a Joy pill I don’t mean something that smoothes life away, and makes everything look rosy, I men a pill that, well, lets one see how blessed and how fortunate they are, and how much further the road goes before them. A pill that forces you to see the friends that love you, the family who loves you, those who loved you and died, those who loved you and had to move on, yet forces you to hold the memory of the time they were here to love you…and lets you grieve, and then heal once they are gone. A pill that makes you see a homeless man, and feel joy because that is not you, without feeling pity that he is him. A pill that lets you see a small child, and smile because s/he has so much ahead. A pill that reminds us that even if everything looks bad, feels bad, is bad, it will not stay that way. A pill that lets you experience pain, and learn from it. A pill that lets you cry from love, and smile despite hate. A pill that lets you remember during the bad times, all of the good times that came before it. A pill, that during those good times, reminds you to treasure them always. A pill that encourages you to stand and fight your demons, and to try and understand our fears. A pill that bestows compassion on those who have less, without pity. A pill that would make people see that we are more the same than we are different, because we can all feel joy. A pill that lets you let go, even though it hurts.


I miss him so much it hurts. I am starting to feel silly, practically chasing him over email, almost begging him to talk to me. I can’t accept that our friendship is dead and gone. I refuse to accept it. And I know that it isn’t totally gone, but I also refuse to have it on these circumstances, where he decides to disappear for months, then return as if nothing happened. I can’t take the roller coaster ride of emotions, it hurts too much, and has been going on for too long. But I can’t see my life without him being a part of it. He and I and another friend were supposed to by a house together, while they were in med school. He asked me to marry him. He is my first love. And I can’t just let go. What other choice do I have** To either let go, and be in pain…or to hold on and STILL be in pain** Without even talking to him he makes me cry. And that tells me that there is something wrong. But how to fix it**


I guess I’ll pop two Joy Pills, and see myself in the morning.





J.


** These stand for question marks because my keyboard is acting screwy.

J said - Notes from a Bus

Morning all....


Riding the bus is a wonderful experience... when you know where you are going, and you know what time you need to get there. Therefore riding the bus to work is superb.

An added benefit? You get to see and meet folx, that otherwse you would have NEVER encountered. Old young wealthy dirt broke and everything (and color) in between. But most of all, you get to flirt. yup, that's right, FLIRT. I think that flirting is a craft that has lost alot of respect lately, simply because now adays we are so blunt in talking about what we want. Why flirt when you can come right outand say "ay... you wanna do something later (like each other?) ". There is no need for flirting. But I'm an old fashioned kinda girl, and I like to flirt. It is fun, innocent (mostly) and it gives you a chance to intereact with anyone.


Flirting to me.. is the body langauge that says hey.. I'm interested in you.. are you interested in me?" With as many sexual or non sexual over tones as you like added in. You can flirt with anyone... man woman young old (or at least I can). Brief eyecontact...shifting of the eyebrows... tilting of the body... random empty or deeply meaningful conversation...it's enjoyable, and gives one a sense of connectedness with those around us.


Back to the bus. and flirting. when you ride the bus every day, at the same time, clearly you are going to see alot of the same people. The bus driver, other folx going the same palce you are, other folx going to work a the same time that you are. And they are perfect flirting partners. There is a long period of time when you are sitting on a bus, that unles you brought something to read, or have some musical device, is very very very boring... unless of course you participate in a little active fliritng with those around you. ALL the good bus drivers flirt.. it is a symbol of HEY! how are you.. i care... and I hope you are good. some of the riders flirt.. strike up conversations with strangers.... and you can find out the most amazing things. so.... to conclude my essay on flirting \sarcasm

I strongly reccomend that you climb out of your car... hop on the bus... and FLIRT!!



Until you ride the bus regularly.. you don't realize how much you can find out about people by simply listening..... now I don't purposely eavesdrop, but when someone is telling their life story in a nice loud projecting voice, clearly they want me to hear... right?? I have heard about a guy who found out that one of his friends was pimping his girlfriend.... the trials and tales of extended childbirth, with various hospitals and drug combinations thrown in for reference, the tale of one cook's woes against the upsart youngun's who thought that they could run HIS kitchen better than HE did.... and othes that don't stand out as much... and those stories were from just two days. Buses are prime sources for anyone who wants to write about people.....


Yeah.. I might be harping on this for a while...


J.

J said - Mindlessness

This is amazing. I never realized how much I actully enjo work. Whne one is bored out of one's skull..even filing seems like fun and ubeat kinda thing to do. *sighs* This job dragggggssss.... but it pays good, so I'm happy. I guess. I'm about to go and look for a part time evening job so I can make more money. I calculated my budget today... and if I'm VERY thrifty, and do as little as possible i the way of spending money, then i will only need to borrow or get scholarships to cover 9000. Which isn't that bad, considering I was thinking that I would be facing A huge DEBT. I canhandle owing about 10,000. and with the schedule I have worked out, I will be able to get everything I need (except for getting my hair done) and still have a lil extra. But it is reallly justa lil bit. So.. I am off to look for a job. The is a Red Lobster right next to my housing complex, maybe they are looking for a hostess, or a waitress or something. And there is a mall down the street. Weekends and some evenings. I could handle that. *sighs* I forsee all sembalnce of a social life going down the tube tho.


I'm trying to eat up a half an hour of tijme I have left here at work. it is soooo unspeakably slow it isn't even funny. Everyoine is in a very christamsy spirit... you can just FEEL them inching away so they can get home or back to the mall or where ever folx spend the last few days before christmas. *sighs* boredom....and to add insult to injury I'm sleepy.


I have a phone call! YAY.. I'm saved. Talk to ya'll later.


J.

J said - Lovin You (cont')

(That is the only problem with doing stuff you are not supposed to do at work. Sometimes you get rudely interrupted!)

As I was saying... I'm waiting for it all to blow up. It isn't...human for someone to be so closed in and confused. any way.... all that was to say that I have to Acknowledge the power ofa first love, and at the same time realize that it no longer has a HOLD on me. It is still ther, oh yeah. And I expect it to be there until the day I die.. but it won;t hurt anymore. *grins* THe mind ROCKS!


I moved, and the place that I have moved to dosn't have a telephone yet, so I haven't been able to get on the net at home. So of course, being bored, I had to find something else to do. I designed some really nice graphics for my sorority, and worked on this idea for a gift for a frined of mine that recently came to me. Then. out of boredom I started reading what I had already but on there, ya know old stuff, stuff I wrote a while ago and never read. WOW. I miss being able to write like that. I mean.. i felt like I was reading someone else's writing becuse it was that good. I know that i wrote it, but it showed a clarity of ideas and of spirit that i forgot that i had. *grins* Back in the peaceful days. Anyhow, I have been considering getting published again. I mean until September, I have nothing to do but work, save money, and deal with my sorority business. *grins* I can't go out alot because I'm saving all the money I can. There fore, also, doing alot of photography is out of the picture, because film and developing is EXPENSIVE. hello! So i will be in the house,,, thinking and stuff *laughs* Also, riding the bus for nearly 4 hours every day will give me plenty of observational material to work with. I wonder if I wrote something whether those folx who I Include that i have seen on buses or trains will recognize themselves in my words. Would I recognize me if someone wrote about me? I still ahve that dream of taking pictures and then writing a story to go with it. Or writing a story or poem and then taking pictures to hit that mood. *grins* Picture books for grownups.. why should the kids have all the fun?


speaking of kids... what is going on with Christmas? Two things i overheard reminded of how much Christmas is intertangled with children. The first thing was that someone said " this season is all about the joy and wonder in the coming of a tiny child." and in many ways that is true. It is about the birth of Christ, the death and birth of the winter King, the material things that children receive. The other thing that sparked a line of thought was a woman saying that her boss told her that yesterday (Dec. 21) was the darkest night of the year. And that is the truth... sorta. While is was the longest night of theyear, and is WAS awful dark because f the clouds, the reason that it was called hostorically the darkest night of the year is because the hmmm...lets call them counry folx from hundreds of years ago... (we are talking back before Christ... ) were afraid that the sun would not rise again after that long night. Therefore they would sacrifice the Winter king to the sun, and as the sun rose, the Queen would give 'birth' to a new King. ... better known as Mid Winters Day. We have all heard of MidSummers Night... when the focus is on fertility (maypole...) but there is jsut as an interesting story behind MidWinter... the acknowledgement that death is here, and the hope of a new day and new life. Which brings me back to christmas. It IS a symbol of something new...whether it be gifts, religion, an infant or the dawning of a new year. But..now all that Christmas is is a money fest... see how much I can get and give and spend and save. It no longer feels like a celebration of something new to me. It is more a celebration of the almighty dollar.


Therefore I am banning Christmas this year. NO christmas gifts will i give..and hopefully none will I get. Instead.. I;m giving my gifts at New Years. SOmething new, something of beauty, something to bring a sense of joy. Something to herald in the NEw year with a nod at what is past...and a warm welcome for what is to come.


Happy Holidays.

J said - Lovin You

Home can be the best and the worst sometimes. I went home for a week, saw most of my family, recemeted a old relationship, and began the healing process of an even older one.

The is always that one person, that first love, that you can never forget. Not always the person you lose your vigintiy to, or not even the first person that you kissed. But that ONE person, who simply by exisiting made you belive in love. And when the ONE person is your best friend, it makes it so much sweeter somehow.


But what do you do when they don;t love you the way you do? It's hard, holding back that first fresh love, striving to keep the friendship, without weighing it down with those love things. Hm. I managed it too. For almost 5 years, I was able to balance love with friendship, the love of one and relationships with others, and the simple fact of his mercurial attitude, loving one month, evil the next. I was able to pull it off. Why? for love I guess, becuase I did and do still love him.


But the boy is crazy. He has issues, and is closed off. To everyone. Me. His momma. His other friends. His boyfriend. And wrapped al ltight in that little box his calls his mind is so much pain and love and brilliance that it is almost terrifying, because I'm waiting for it to come out.

J said - High Points

*grins* I got the job!! The one I wanted to get, something that I can work at long term till I go back to school in the fall. And even better it pays good so I can save and pay off my credit cards. They have been my blessing and my curse. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to do many of the things I wanted to do…. but then again, I am in a good bit a debt at this point.

I have started packing some…trying to decide what is worth keeping and what is totally trash worthy. It is so strange going through last years stuff, and remembering hey! I had no clue what I would be doing right now when I wrote this… or bought this. or said this…or took this picture. It makes me think.. what will I be doing in the next couple of months that I had no clue that I would be doing from today? Life changes on you so fast, sometimes I forget to wonder. *smiles* anyway…….


I miss my mom… and I am so glad that the job is willing to give me a week off to go home. That was so unexpected, and was one of the main reasons that I wanted to get a job with this company. After barely working for a week, they are letting me take a week off. *shrugs* yeah I won’t be home for Christmas...but in my house that isn’t that much of a biggie so it is cool. Hopefully my mom will get me some clothes so I can look nice and professional and stuff at work…. hopefully. I mean yeah I will be making good money, but I would prefer to spend as little as possible if other folx will spend on me instead.


I think I will miss the people in the dorm too. Even though they get on my last nerve sometimes.. I WILL miss them. I hope that living with this roommate won’t be too much of a hassle. Though god knows I will miss my dedicated Internet line *shake head* the main reason I Would want to stay here. *laughs* yeah.. I;m an addict….


Well…. back to packing…


J

J said - Opening

*sighs*

Can I say that sometimes life SUCKS? you are going along so smoothly and suddenly *SLAP* life tells you.. nope wrong way..turn the hell around and start over. I think that is what has happened to me... but.. I kinda like it.


Okay... The history... I'm in college...or at least I was..studying to be a Computer Engr. Then.. my body & my mind ganged up on me and decided that they were tired of being told what everyone else wanted us to do. And so..I'm doing my thing. I dropped out (just for a while) I'm trying to get a job.. and I am moving in with a roommate. So far so good...my mother had less of a heart attack than I hoped...my grandmother won't know.


So what is the problem? I'm scared.... scared as I don't know what that I so totally did the wrong thing. That maybe I should have suffered a little more and went through the rest of school. Maybe I Will like this too much and will never want to go back..until it's too late. Maybe i will get in too much debt...maybe no one will hire me. For the first time I have NO clue what will happen next. I don't have a curriculum to follow, and can I tell you it is scary.


Hmmm....then the whole other relationship thing. I was trying to experiment with my sexuality... *laughs* but it is so hard to find open minded bi black women and men it's funny... I KNOW that I'm not the only crooked branch out there.


*sighs*


I guess that is it...for now.....