the disconnect

Okay - to start.... I stepped to the other side this evening - just got back and took my shower. FAB-OU-LOUS man - a cop. Is there anything sexier than watching a cop peel out of his uniform? *fans self* I soooo think not - old enough to be my daddy too. Umph. And FIONE. Lord HELP me - so fine. Ate me out like there was no end in sight......then fucked me once - spanked me too - yum. *sigh* Anyhow, I like Sgt. *puurrrr* But - *shrugs* I mean, it was fun and all while I was in the moment - but afterwards - *shrugs* I shed it - the whole experience, the sensations, the pleasure of it - like water off a ducks back. It just *shrugs* it made no MENTAL impact on me.

And I was thinking about that - afterwards, as I went grocery shopping, and as I was taking my shower, and I was thinking about it as I put away the groceries - and I think I've come to a conclusion.

My mind just isn't ENGAGED during sex. I mean - It feels good, and it's exciting, but - *shrugs* it leaves no impression on me. I mean, I can do it, and turn around and look at it and say *shrug* ohh...that was nice. I'm not sure if it's really a physical/emotional disconnect (which it could be, as I've never associated sex/physicalness with love, nad maybe that 'minor' disconnect has spread deeper) or if it's a mental/physical disconnect (which is even more likely, as my brain and my body don't play well together in any area of my life). I don't know why what should be a soul-touching experience is just SHED like a fart. *LOL*

Seriously....that's what it is. A fart. A wet, juicy, front-facing shuddering fart that releases some pressure I might not even have been aware of, and is gone in the wind. Hell, a good massage leaves me feeling better than sex does. Swimming leaves me feeling better than sex does. Lifting WEIGHTS leaves me with a more long lasting feeling of satisfaction and pleasure than sex does - and I'm not talking about your average 'yawn' sex. I'm talking screaming, moaning, shuddering, sweating, multi-orgasmic, leave a wet spot on the SHEETS wet sex.

So - with this awareness, what can I do to 'reform' the connection? I think that my current focus on my own physical fitness/health will help - at least I won't be ignoring the physical side of myself like I have been the last 23 years. What else can I do? I think I should read 'Peace is Every Step' again - it focuses on teaching you to focus on your every action without thinking about the next - it teaches you to just BE in the moment. But - I think that I AM in the moment so...maybe that won't help as much.

*sigh* I just - forget about it. The feeling, the orgasmic potential, all of it. I can't REMEMBER most of my sexual episodes - not cuz I've had so many - which I have - but simply because - *shrugs* it doesn't leave me with much of an aftershock. Let me think - I remember sex with Samson.....I remember ONE particular episode with Jc (my first MMF threesome) ..... I remember my first sexual episode (with a guy and with a girl)..... and I think that's about it. And I've had a HECK of a lot more sex than that. Sheesh.

I think that if I could better remember and more - vividly - remember how GOOD sex is I would be more interested in GETTING more of it. It's rather like never HAVING a sense of hunger AND never remembering how good food is - you'll eat, and enjoy it, but once dinner is done - it not something that you would spotaneously want to do again. *sigh*