Return To Innocence

I am calling for a return to innocence. Maybe I am bitter because I seem to have missed out on the times where friendships could be created between the sexes without the sexual tension/dynamic/whatever you want to call it being there. But dammit, I am just tired of it. I don’t think that I am trying to repress my sexuality, in fact I gave up on that idea while ago. I am just trying to expand who I am far enough so that my sexuality becomes only a very small portion of who I am. * sighs * I am rambling.. and not really getting to the meat of what I am trying to say.

I suppose if I start with what irritated me, and work from there I might figure something out. I met this guy online tonight, who had seen my personal ad. In the ad I clearly state that I am looking for friends. Okay… well and good. He emails me, I IM him, and we get a nice little conversation going on. When I tell him that I am single, liking it, and plan on being that way for a while, he decides that all I need to give up the idea of this whole single thing is to run across the right man (obviously him). Ugh!! It’s starting to bug me, mainly because I keep running across this attitude, that I am just waiting for the right person. Really… I’m not. I am not looking or waiting for anyone. I just want to be alone, single, uninvolved, for a period of time in my life that will let me grow. I look forward to meeting the man of my dreams, and I look forward to getting married and having kids and raising a family. All of that I hope is in my FUTURE. Right now, I don’t want any of it. The man…the relationship, the kids. NONE of it dammit. And there is not a damn thing wrong with that. * sighs *

So I want a return to innocence. I want to be surrounded with people who are at a place in their life where the first question out of their mouth is not ‘ Are you single?’ . I want to be at a place where I can have male friends, without having to worry about them making plans on me, having intentions towards me or anything else.

See.. this is why most of my male friends are gay. That way, I don’t have to go through all of this crap. * sighs * I think I want to have my cake and eat it to. I want to be a sexual being, who inspires sexual feelings, and yet find people who are evolved enough to merely acknowledge it, and then leave it alone. I always feel completely lovely & completely sexual & totally feminine around my male gay friends. Why? Because they acknowledge who I am as a whole, and then leave it alone. Am I asking too much of straight men? * sighs* Who knows?


Stay Jazzed.