9/20/03

I've had a bad week. Me & C. have been fighting like cats & dogs - last night we had the worst fight we've ever had - and I'm just at a point of utter frustration. It seems like whenever I work to get one part of my life in order, the other parts just fall to pieces. And of course, me being the completely integrated woman that I am - when part of mama's life ain't right, then mama's life ain't right.

I'm sooo fucking tired of being tense. Torin left me a note on my other entry about how neck tension could cause dizziness and the like. That makes perfect sense - I've been tense for ages. At this point, I can't WAIT to go to Geneva. I shan't have any money worries this time, since I wisely decided to get a cash advance from work this time. I'll be away from the dead slowness of the office, I'll be away from the stress and chaos of our relationship, and heaven help me - I'll be in a city that I love.

Ugh. It's just been a loonngg painful tiring week - if I was the emotional type I'd have been in tears for most of the week.

Yeah... it's definitely been one of those times.

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So - what's up with my relationship? Good heavens - I don't even know how to put it into words. We've clashed - a lot lately - mainly because I don't fit his concept of the mate he wants. *sighs* I don't know what to do - I don't know if there is anything that I can do - but dammit I'm TIRED of living/working/loving this way. And yet, through it all it's a matter of love. I screamed at him last night that I'm willing to work through whatever needs to be worked through, but because I love him I'm not going to give up and just walk away. But today, looking at it from a point of calmness - that scares me. I don't WANT to come to a point where my love for him overrides my love for me - and lately the lines have been so blurred I'm not sure what is what or which is which.

And then - to add to that - I'm all tied up in knots over my body. Most days - I'm okay with waht I look like, how much I weigh, the general state of my body. But then - there are somes times where I wish I had enough money to go under the knife and slice and dice away everything that irks me. Not that it would make my life better, but at least when I get out the shower I wouldn't avoid my own reflection. And then I wonder if how I feel about me is a big part of the ugly spiral me & C. have fallen into - if I don't like me much - I'm certainly not going to work at him liking me or even me liking us.

This is definitely one of those times - and more and more lately I'm feeling this way - when I want to find a really good therapist, lay out on a couch and just spill my guts. I can't do that with anyone I know - cuz really, there is some wild shit going on in my head that most of the time I don't even want to acknowledge, much less let someone else in on the deal. But, I don't have the money to spend on settling my brain. Besides the fact that it feels sooooo damn indulgent to do so. I mean, it's not like there is anything really WRONG with me - I just need some totally neutral third party to talk to. *sigh* Gah. I'm just tired...and lonely.

So, what do I do? I come to OD and whinge on about my life. It's really not helping, but maybe if I do it often enough, I'll at least start to feel better. It's the closest thing I'm gonna get to therapy for a while. Bleh.

I Hate Sex

Have I taken steps to become the sexually free person you need?

In some ways yes, in some ways no.

Yes-

1) I'm truly not comfortable with forcing sex, but because I know that your sexual drive is so much higher than mine, there have been times when I've simply aquiciased - to keep peace. It's not a nice feeling, having sex with someone that you love and the refrain going through your head - I'd wish you'd just hurry up and come so I can go and get back to what I was doing.

2) I've been looking into and trying to track down various hormonal imbalances in women - trying to track down whether or not there could be something off in me that causes me to not be interested in sex. Thus far, I've found one - hypothyroidism. I display a good number of the symptoms, and I recently found a place that will test you for it without a doctor's prescription - as my doctor ran the test once and said I was fine. I'm not sure that I believe him, and I need to know one way or another - not just for us, but for me too.

3) I'm losing weight and exercising. One of the main reasons that I started this diet in the first place was for you. I didn't like my body much, but I could live in it - I definitely wasn't comfortable with you seeing it in full light or being sexually attracted to it however. I didn't FEEL sexy, and the last thing I wanted was someone feeling sexual towards me. So I started Atkins, hoping that would give me a rush of passion as a more beautiful me emerged from the pounds of fat that were cloaking me. Fifty pounds later that hasn't worked as well as I hoped, so I started exercsing. Studies have shown that exercise increases energy and the libido, and I figured it's worth a try. I've yet to feel any particular rush of lust from that either.

4) I'm looking into various types of aphrodisiacs that will bring up my libido. I figure that if I can get horny enough, whether I really want to have sex or not won't matter - I'll NEED to have sex.

5) We just had a conversation two days ago, and I thought that me being my unfettered, unconcerned about subtle invitations, physically affectionate self would be enough. I hoped that would be enough - at least for a while - at least for the spells in-between when I wanted sex. I KNOW I've been more affectionate, more loving in the past few days. Then last night - I don't know. It felt like all that I had said went in one ear and out the other, and once again all you really wanted from me was intercourse.

No-

1) I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me. I like me, I like who I am as a woman, as a sexual person, as a sensual person. I don't like being made to feel like there is something lacking in me because I can't satisfy you - I've never claimed to be perfect. Perhaps I am being selfish in that I don't sympathize with your deep-seated need for sex, but at the same time - I almost hate to say this - it IS my body.

2) I feel like I've been given an ultimatum, that unless I change who I am to who you want/need me to be, I'll lose you. I'm stuck between choosing you or choosing me, and I don't function at my best while being threatened. After the 10 years I spent dealing with that from my stepfather and watching him treat my mother that way, I tend to dig in and stick to my guns even harder in automatic response.

3) I worry about what this will mean as time goes on. What's going to happen when I'm in school, possibly raising children and keeping house, and trying to start a VERY demanding career as a midwife? What's going to happen when I have four 40-50 hour births back to back and drag home with nothing more on my mind than a hot tub and sleep - for weeks at a time? Will you then ask that I choose you or the one thing I can see myself spending the rest of my life being happy doing?

4) You say that I always have to have things my way in this relationship - but when I ask you what you have done that you felt uncomfortable doing - I can never get a straight answer. And I promise you - if there is ANYTHING that you are doing for me that you don't feel comfortable doing - I ask you to stop. I wouldn't want to be the cause of you doing anything that you don't feel comfortable and worthy doing.

The only two things that I have not met you halfway on has been sex and Church - both of which are very personal, very emotional things. Would you demand that I go to church if I was Jewish? If I was Muslim? So then, why do you demand now? Is my being Pagan not 'good' enough for you? Even the money thing - that is just as much for you as it is for me. You are the one who wants to own your own business. You are the one with the big dream of a resturant one day. All I need my credit to be in good shape for is to buy a house - and once I reduce my debt/income ratio I CAN do that without any problems. I can, and am more than willing, to buy a house under my name if we are married or not, so please don't say that I am forcing you into being more financially responsible. </P>

AlterEgo

I'm in one of those "I don't love me" moods. One of the moods that makes me want to go out and do wild, stupid, dangerous things that are nothing but bad for my health. I wanna go out and get throughly smashed and kiss the first three men who even LOOK at me sideways. I wanna buy an entire PACK of cigarettes and smoke them before the day is out. I want to buy a six pack of cookies, 3 pints of ice cream, and a half gallon of milk and gorge myself (in-between puffs) until I feel even more like the fat slug I think I am.
I need to figure out the root of these moods. They usualy come over me when I'm doing REALLY good to - I've been exercising, and eating right, and working on my finances, and generally honoring my body and my mind overall and seeing the joy in the world. I even LOOK good today - my hair is freshly done, I'm wearing a shirt that was too tight two months ago but now skims me like a dream, and my favorite slinky black skirt (that is in imminent danger of falling off of me) and a brand new pair of shoes I forgot I even had. I've set up a consultation for plastic surgery on the only area of my body that I KNOW I can't 'fix' with diet and exercise. I smell good - work is amazingly slow - but still GOOD. Yet there is this little anchor in me that WANTS me to pull it all down and fall apart. Something in me WANTS to go out and spend money I don't have on things I don't need. Something in me WANTS to go out and gorge myself on food that I now will do nothing but pack an instant 6 pounds of water on me that will take another month and a half to come back off.  I'm trying to sabatoge myself, and I don't know why. I don't  FEEL any fear - I'm looking forward to being the woman I really think I am all the way through - looks, money, mind.  I don't even think I'm hiding any 'issues' deep in my head - I've never even been NEAR the point that I'm approaching - and I've dreamt/looked forward to this point my ENTIRE life. I've been doing so very, very, very good lately...and suddenly I just don't WANT to do good anymore.
An the part that freaks me out the most is I just don't know WHY. Maybe it's some subtle form of depression where I try to claw my way back to the bottom of the pit I'm trying to pull myself out of. Maybe it's some sort of hormonal imbalance. Maybe it IS fear - raw pure gibbering terror at the thought of finally being who I think I want to be - what if she isn't all that anyway? Whatever it is - I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm turning against myself and have to exert my will against ME and force myself to do what I WANT to do anyhow. It's freaky feeling - I want this double-crossing, sabatoging, happy being broke, fat and miserable bitch out of me NOW! And I don't want her to come back.

Hopskitchin'

so, me & him....we still like each other, yeah. We still love each other, yeah. We still wanna marry each other, yeah. We just - *sigh* we just have to work out something that WORKS for us. GahAH! Oh! He got a job!! He's going to be a line cook in the resturant that he is waiting for the exec job to open up in. I'm not sure what sort of effect that is going to have on the rest of the line though - seeing one of 'theirs' (and a new guy to boot) be suddenly elevated to exec. Also - and I know why - I don't trust H. If he's shady grady enough to shop around for a new exec behind hs current exec's back (and the current HAS to know the axe is dangling by a very thin string) then what else might he do? *sigh* C. is just soooo dang excited about this job - for his sake I hope that it all comes up rosy. But at least it's some additional (bill-paying) income coming in! *does a lil dance*
Speaking of income - I picked up that part-time bookreading job. The lady really likes my style and my voice - so much that she gaveme the 'dry' stuff to read - I feel so cheated! *laughs* This is accounting, but at least I will be learning something new by going through this. IF I stick with this as she goes through law school, I might end up with half a law degree before it's all over.
Speaking of income once again - I KNOW one thing I would like us to do. We need a maid. Our house is so grubby it makes me SICK and I jsut can't dredge up the energy to clean it. The fact that he was at home all freaking day and did nothing didn't really up my urget o lcean after I got home from working all day either - but that's where it's at. I figure we should be able to handle having someone come in every once in a while and do the heavy stuff - it would so improve my sense of peace.

Ah yes - back to the job. C. wants to stay there (in the exec. position) long enough that he gets some good tenure, a good name for himself, and a good base to get ready to strike out and REALLY do his own thing. This of course, means that we will be in the Indiana area for (if he actually keeps the job) at a minimum another two years. While that fits into my budgetary plans just wonderfully - I don't know if I can survive here for another two years. Here being this city, this job, this- this! I feel like I'm getting old - like I've let so MUCH of my life slip by, and now I need to hurry up and do everything else I want to do before I get into the rest of my life. See- I want babes and I wanna be home with my babes and sometimes I feel like that is going to be a big ole gray area in my life where what I want to do will take second place to what the little ones NEED me to do. *sigh* It's almost like now that I'm looking it dead in the face - I'm scared of the motherhood that I want to have. Eh. I've got time though - another 2 years at least. I just didn't really plan on spending them HERE.
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I need to make some friends and I need to do this badly. I think that might be one of the reasons me & C. irk each other so badly - we are the others sole close relationship in the area. We both have rally good friends - but the live hours away. Hm. Since C. will be working most Saturdays, I think that I will get the Nuvo on Wednesday, and try to find something free and fun to do every Satruday - and try to meet at least ONE person each time. I can't make friends sitting at home, now can I? I don't even care at this point - male. female, black, white, whatever - I just need a vibing pardner (or three). I need to email Dawn.

(Almost) Early Morning Randoms

Well. That last entry was about the best spelled entry EVER while under the influence - a personal best I must say.

But in the cool (and headache causing) light of the morning, seriously - I don't know WHAT to do here. And I realized (while recklessly driving to work this morning as I severely overslept) another root of the problem is that in some ways - I think he's RIGHT. I DO think that my lack of libdio means that I'm not doing my 'job' as (almost) wife. I feel like I'm letting down my end of the bargain, and maybe I am. But who set up these rules? And if they don't work for me - who is half of this 'us' thing - why can't we change the rules? And if he can't accept the fact that I don't play by those rules, and doesn't want to change them - where does that leave this us thing?
I can try and try and try to 'fix' me - but what if I'm permanently broken?

*sigh*

late night randoms

C. said I kissed him with no passion - kissed him like a baby brother.
Then he grumps around when I don't want to have sex - doesn't one almost assume the other?

More on this later - I think I know a physiological solution to my very emotional/physical problem. Or is it a problem because he says so? Even if I think it's just me - just how I"m build, how I've been grown, how I AM???!
Don't know - not sure - and that very fact leaves me more confused than anything else.

Bed - peace - until he stirs awake. *sigh* Not sure at all - why couldn't it be easier? Why can't I make him happy and make me happy too? Why can't we match & be easy & exactly like each other. He says my contrarieness - me being me that won't bend to him - is one of the things that attracts me to him - but I have to wonder if me being me - and being contrary to him - is something that he can handle. I don't know. And I'm not sure. And I don't know if we can handle the implications of all that implies.

I'm tired - kinda. I need to go to bed. But he is there - he's in bed - and I'm nervous about the expectations of him being already in bed is. *sigh* I just wanna go to sleep. Is that wrong of me? I GOTTA go towork tommorow. It's not very ma ture of me to exercise avoidance - but that feels right to me now. Can I trust feelings? If I can trust feelings here - where CAN I trust feelings?

Drawn out - short but long - clear but intoxicated. It's what's what - and what matters.

I'm gone. The clarity that is assumed to be blurriness any other way.

G'night.

Why? Why not?

 Something else about me - I'm opinionated, but I'm curious and openminded as HELL too. I truly do like learning new things, and even more than that, I LOVE finding out how people think and what REALLY makes them tick.  I'm good for walking into the middle of a debate and asking the question that drives every parent crazy - "Why?"

Why do you do it this way instead of that way?
Why does it work better?
Why can't it be done that way?
Why do you believe that?
Why do you do that?
I'm good for doing this to C. He'll ask for my suggestions for a recipe, and he'll knock it down for whatever reason - and I begin with the whys. I've never been satisfied with a 'just because'.
Lately, I've noticed that some people don't deal with Whys very well. They tend to jump to the defensive immeadiately, defending themselves rather than trying to explain themselves. Maybe it's just a certain conversational/listening issue - but I've run across it several times - and I usually end up spluttering - I wasn't berating you! I wasn't trying to be belligerent! I just wanted to know WHY? I find that the question of why is the simplest and most mind-expanding thing you can ask if you are willing to follow the trail of answers. There are times when I'm thinking about something, and I'll wonder why. I'll hop online, and spend two hours tracking down fascinating little nibbles of information that sprung from a single, tiny, question - Why?
I think sometimes people are afraid of why because they don't KNOW why. And if you hve based anything of importance - any opinion of yours on a belief, and you can't explain WHY you believe that - it starts to chip away at your sense of stability. Most people just close themselves off - instead of exploring themselves and the reasons why - they'd much rather sit in the darkness of an unexplored mind.