Where Have I been...

It is amazing how time flies when you are living & being yourself. Although I haven’t been doing MUCH…work and school and sorority (the Trinity as I have started to call them) seem to overwhelm and take over large hunks of my life without a bit of by your leave. I have been quite…irresponsible lately, allowing school work to slide past deadlines without a care, cutting class shamefully, and for what? A slightly longer period of time in my bed. I simply must get back on my diet with a ferocity and determination. I actually FEEL worse now than I did before. My skin looks shabby, my sleep habits are scary, my lack of energy is downright dangerous, and dear god forbid… I think the pounds are creeping back on. Hm. But what else has been going on? I have received a few other half assed offers for a second interview at various conmpanies, bu I have decided to accept the original companies offer. I’m gonna be moving far far far away from here come August. All I have to do is sign the letter and ship it off. What made my choice suddenly so fixed in stone? A few nights ago I talked with the gentleman who is going to be my supervisor, and asked him some questions about what the group DOES…and even better… what I would be doing. He replied… ‘mainly Design and testing (YAAYY!!) and no coding. WE have an entire group here that does nothing BUT coding’. Music to my ears. As I have not gotten a firm offer from anyone else, and I doubt that I would be able to get the salary AND that promise from anyone else…. I am going to Indy.
Well I am off….It’s a Sunday morning…. I don’t HAVE to go to school for any paritcular reason…. And… ; ) I think that I just wanna chill… at least for a little while.

I am going to try to write daily again….but…. * shrugs * we all know how long THAT tends to last.

Stay Jazzed

Glug Glug Glug

Random Thoughts:
My hair is slowly starting to lock.. by the time I graduate it should be in the wild and unruly teenage stage…. I really have nothing to write about. That is so irritating when I want to write but I have nothing to write about. Or nothing to even think about writing about. Hm. I wonder if I could pull a diary entry out about not writing. Most likely not..but… * sighs * damn. I lost her. In all ways and any way, as a friend, as sister, as a woman I once knew as a woman I could get to know better.. she is gone gone gone. And I have to wonder if there was anything that I could have done differently… anything that I could have changed without changing myself that would have led us to a different point. A point at which we would have been able to say goodbye and still have a connection. Maybe it was me… maybe it was her.. but I think it was more so the both of us. I am too cold and she wanted too much from me. And since she put so much into me… now all of that is wasted… * sighs * damn damn damn. I guess it is cruel when someone says that they hurt and you calmly say that there is nothing that you can do about it. Is that cruelty or honesty. There is nothing that I can do about it without changing who I am…and I don't want to do that. So is that cruel?? Is it wrong of me to say no… for my sake I won't do this for you…because I want to stay this way I won't do this…. This is what I meant when I said ( a while ago) that I don't think I will ever be able to fall & stay in love with someone because it requires too much compromise…. That other person expects you to change to suit them.. and you expect that other person to change to suit you.. and if you have one person who is willing to morph more than the other person is.. then you are screwed.. and if you have one person whose entire life was morphing with one who refuses to morph… * sighs * I think I understand that pattern… but where will I be able to find a middle ground?? What is the boundaries between morphing into something that is totally not you.. and compromising to keep the other person happy… when & where comes the balance?

Stay Jazzed.

Roses have thorns ya know....

if i say i love you
on the wrong day
does it matter to you
does it make the love go away?
if i give you flowers
pale blue instead of red
does it give you the right
to sigh and shake your head?
if it really matters…when i say it
and not why
you aren't worth my love
cuz it could all be a lie

So valentines day…it makes me no matter
To me all there should be
is love
and laughter
every day in every way and
for sometimes no reason at all
be assured it's true
i don't need a special day
to say I love you.

Do I think Valentines Day is a creation of card & candy & gift makers along with their friends the florist?? No… I think it is an excuse used my people everywhere… in America at least to say I love you. It is the one day out of the year that you are 'forced' if you even halfway pretend to give a damn about somebody (and you buy into it) you have to say I love you… no matter how you may feel… or whether you are really ready. I wonder how many people break up over saying the wrong thing… in the wrong way.. at the wrong time.. on this one day? I wonder how many men wonder what the hell they have gotten themselves into… and how many women doubt whether they have done the right thing? I wonder most of all.. why we NEED a day that is set aside to say I love you… shouldn't that be a daily thing? I mean..between lovers especially…and sometimes even friends… saying I love you should be something natural something easy.. not something that an entire day has to be set aside for. It almost seems like an insult to me… you can't say this and really mean it until this day… or this day means more than any other.. * sighs* I think I am rambling here so I will stop….

Stay Jazzed

Sparks

In all walks of life we must face certain things are facts, as truths that cannot be changed or violated no matter how much science, or medicine, or technology alter. There must be something that is so fixed within each of us as human, and so unique to each of us as human that the lack of that 'thing' , that 'spark' would make an individual less than human, and totally not themselves, no matter what else may not have changed.
I am looking for that spark within me. I am hunting for the totality of my essence, for the bit that makes me ME and ensures that I am no one else. I am on a hunt for Jazzybelle…for the bits and pieces that may have come from others but I have converted to something totally me. I am looking for the bits and pieces of ME-ness that depend on no one else, on no single situation, on no particular environment. I am looking for the parts of me that will never change, that root of myself that I can hold onto. I am trying to strip away all of the facades and imitations of me that exist, trying to peel off anything that I have borrowed (for convenience or protection) that isn't me…I am trying to strip my flesh and my heart and my soul down and away until all I have left is what is ME… and nobody else. I am scared….because once I am done there may be nothing left. I am resolute, because until I am done… I won't know who I am. And once I find my spark.. once I approach the point of finding that spark, I will be able to ground myself… to fix myself to one point. I will be able to root myself into myself and never have to worry about being ripped apart. Most ironically.. what it will take to get me to that point is one of the things that this self (with all the extras others have left behind) has so very little of…discipline. I will have to work.. consciously and at every moment to do what I know best… what is most truly me… and reject anything that isn't me.

Staying Jazzed.

Morning Mutterings

I’m sitting here...at 4:30 in the morning...trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me. I would say that I am getting depressed ( that is the usual cause for be blowing everything off.. or trying to) but I am really not. I just don’t feel like doing anything. But that isn’t what I am trying to figure out anyhow... so what is??? Tashi. *sighs* Yes I know that we broke up..but at the same time I do want to stay in touch with her.. but .. I haven’t seen her online in like... a week..and I would feel weird calling her..and *sighs* I HATE being dropped. Not dumped but dropped.... if you don wan’ me....tell me so. *shrugs* I don’t know.. maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill yes? OR no? *shrugs* I don’t know....I left her a message on ICQ... we shall see

---

I wanted to answer one of the notes that Hammer left me in the previous entry..about a soulmate being a buzzword.... *nods* Actually I agree with you.. it is s a buzzword...and alot of it does have to do with timing and availability, but at the same time... *thinks* how to explain.... at that time.. when you need that thing.. and that person.. who fits that thing that you need so perfectly suddenly appears.... it may seem as if that person is perfect for you...and that you connect to that person in a different kind of way than you have ever connected to anyone before. And if as you grow, and change, that person grows and changes... not with you per se... but at the same basic rate, you may feel like this is the one and only person that you need to be with for the rest of your life. That is what I mean by soulmate...someone who is so perfect for you that is seems that have been made for you....someone who fits you so well that you can’t imagine anyone else fitting you half as well for half as long... and it seems so much simpler to condense all of that into the word ‘soulmate’ which everyone tends to understand on a basic level rather than try to detail all that it entails. Another symbol of laziness I suppose...
And glytchgirl..yes I do love myself... :) totally and wholeheartedly and all the bad parts and all the good parts and everything in between.. sometimes I wonder if I don’t love myself TOOM uch and have blocked out the possibilities of loving somebody else the same way.

*shakes head* I don’t believe I am talking about love this much... arrgh... she asked me if she could be forgiven for an episode of temporary insanity.. and I wanted to tell her that the whole thing was an episode of temporary insanity on my part at least....but how do you say such a thing without sounding cruel heartless and cold?? Not that I am denying that in some situations I am indeed all of the above and fully aware of it but STILL..... *sighs* I’onknow....

what else is going on in my life?? Hmmm school is chugging along quite nicely (for once) tho I think I have a crapload of reading to do that is STILL escaping me.... I haven’t been forced to live in the Computer Lab yet..which is a blessing and a curse all at once... I got a possibility of a second interview with a banking company today.. and I have a friend of mine looking for a job for me with his company... either here or in Philly.. so that will be interesting.. it looks like I will have to tell the first folx that I need an extension... :) this could be good.. or it may not make a bit of a difference

Oh where..oh where... has my soulmate gone???

I am quite quite disappointed. I brought this book called "Stolen Women, Reclaiming our Sexuality, Taking back our Lives" that dealt with the issues that many AfricanAmerican women have with their sexuality because of our heritage of slavery. I expected a scholarly book, that looked into the minds and heart of the various women who had been interviewed for the book and who showed various sexual behavior (whether healthy or unhealthy) and related it all back to slavery. What I got instead was a plea to ‘others’ that little black girls aren’t all ho’s and the ones who are, are usually that way because of some previous sexual experience (abuse/rape). Ugh. Disappointed wasn’t even the word for it. After a point all I was doing was skimming through the book, trying to find some part that wasn’t mealy mouthed about the issue of sex & sexuality. I have to applaud her on how she dealt with lesbian woman (or at least the beginnings of it) but my main problem was that the book was mainly directed at how we can prevent our daughters from growing up with twisted sexual views of themselves. She however, said very very very little about what women who have grown up with these twisted sexual images of themselves and of others can DO about them now. And I guess that is more of what I was looking for.... a handbook on how I can reclaim the sexual being that maybe I should have been? *sighs* I don’t know. I am just quite thoroughly upset about the misrepresentation of her book that she gave from the title. It should have been called "Stolen Women: Giving our Daughters a healthy sexual view of themselves and others" or something along those lines. *sighs* So that was a wasted book to read...at least right now.
So what’s going on that has me trying to reclaim a sexuality that may have never been lost?? I don’t know... I guess that I am really trying to look into what causes relationships of mine to crash and burn. I mean.... I know that as far as being very much so emotionally available.. I am not there. I am not the type of woman to pouuuuurrr my heart out to someone (that I am in a relationship with). Why? I don’t know.... it just to me seems to be too hard to try to explain how you feel to someone who will assume that most or at least some of what you are feeling is affected by them. I mean.. how do you nicely tell the one that you are supposed to be in love with that your problems don’t have a DAMN thing to do with them??? And still expect them to be as receptive and as listening as someone who is outside of the relationship would be? Okay.... so that would be one problem. Another thing is that I am selfish. *shrugs* I admit it. It takes alot for me to give a damn about you...and how you may be feeling.. and what you want. For me it is always Jazzy first, Jazzy last, Jazzy all between. Yet with my friends, somehow I can work it out so that they never feel left out... and I STILL do whatever the hell I want to. What else? Of yeah.... one of the reasons I grabbed the book... sex.... I *thinks* I don’t know... to me sex is ...has been.. and always will be something fun to do where you have alot of energy.. are bored.. and are around someone you are sexually attracted to. TO me..sex doesn’t have a damn thing to do with love. I have (and I am sure will continue to have) sex with folx I don’t love... wouldn’t even consider loving... but the opportunity was there.. and both parties were interested.. so we got down.... but to say that sex is a representation of love? I don’t know about all that... it seems like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I have felt the deepest love that I will ever feel with someone who I (at this point) can’t even IMAGINE having sex with. It would be unnatural and unsuitable, yet that does not change in the least the amount of love that I hold for him. The person that I have had the MOST sex with in my life.... I avoid him like the plague now.... there is no interest (on my side), no love (on either side) and yet there is no bitterness either. And I don’t know... it makes a woman start to wonder if she is unnatural... when most of her thoughts about sex fit into what classically a ‘man’ thought about sex and not a woman. I mean yeah... me being gay might have a bit of something to do with that but still.. even most of the gay woman that I have been in close contact with have been stuck in the ‘womanly’ sex equals love kind of mindset. So what is up with me?? Do I have the distinctive luck of being that woman who never fits into the scale of what a woman is supposed to be? I don’t know...because at the same time as I look on sex in a distinctly ‘unwomanly’ way, I look upon myself as being all 100% bona -fide triple femme woman. I am the girly girl.... the girliest of girls. Even in jeans, a sweatshirt and a baseball cap there is never any doubt as to whether I am a girl or a boy.... I am a woman.... all woman. The way I walk, talk, move, switch, shift, stand, sigh and even BREATHE dammit lets you know that I am a woman.. and that everybody within thirty feet of me knows that I am a woman too... but at the same time.. I don’t THINK like a ‘woman’ does. *sighs* I don’t know.... sometimes I just accept myself as I am.... and other times (usually right after I bounce offa somebody else’s expectations of me) I just have to sit down and analyze myself... and I keep coming up with the same answer ( you would think that one day I would listen to myself...right?? ) I need my emotional/mental/psychic twin to be in a relationship with. Until I find that soulmate of mine... that half of me that was lost when the world first began.. *laughs* I will never make it through a relationship. And while when I find that person I don’t expect life to be all sweet and peachy suddenly.. (we will fight, cuss, break up and all that ) I expect that I will have no problems always being totally and fully myself.. no one else... no side issues... no softened words.. no nothing but raw and pure Jazzy. And somehow I think that if I EVER find a person who is strong enough to deal with that.. and at the sane time soft enough to be able to love & be loved... I will hold onto her/him for life.... and beyond.


Stay Jazzed.

hotheaded Paisan

So.. right.... yeah.... that is what I am saying okay??

Long day. Long long long day. Icky long day. Head hurts. I think that this will be a flow of consciousness entry because I can’t focus enough to actually turn it into something real... my mind is going much much faster than my fingers can follow.. I want to start doing yoga.. to shape my body into something like clay.. I want to weigh 120 pounds just to see what it feel like to be that small.. I want to grow up like yesterday. I finally got my money from the fools at my school and I have books.. but will I start to read them and catch up on the almost a month worth’s of reading I am behind on?? Oh no never that.. instead I Think I will sit here and mourn the woman I used to be who wrote with such fire and passion on fury that I can’t even imagine being able to touch now... I have been cheating on my diet and my entire body is making me pay. My head hurts my bra too tight my booty shake from left to right go head ah ah go head ah ah... anyhow I am trying to decide if I want to submit one of my stories somewhere.... it is the only short story that I have that I really like... I wrote the story from a dream I had and it always grabs me.. I am not sure if it is because I am the writer or if it is just a good story.. I don’t know... and when I show it to my friends they are all like cool nice.. or interesting.. damn it I need a real critic... someone who can tell me that the storyline sucks or that the character is unreal or that it is too raw without being harsh at all or SOMETHING other then your usual mush mouthed replies. *sighs* flow interrupted.. damn AIM....... Tashi tashi tashi... how does your flowers grow?? I don’t know what I will do with or about that woman... gotta luv her tho... you just gotta... no choice in the matter... *sighs* I want to have babies... round cheecked children who look nothing like me and who will grow and remind me of how time has passed... I want a job in Atlanta that will pay me what I think I am worth and not what the market offers... I need some time ..to free my mind.. I need some time.. to free my mind... hmm hmm hmmm.. my neck hurts.. my head hurts .. and I have a 9 o clock class tomorrow .. I don’t wanna..dammit why Do I have to go to school.. I wanna be free.... for a little while at least...
this is cool just pouring out whatever is inside.. might to make any sense but damn it feels good....

Stay Jazzed.

Mantra

I am a COLD hearted bitch.
I AM a cold hearted bitch.
I am a cold HEARTED bitch.
I am a cold hearted BITCH

I can’t figure out with one I like better. Hm. Why the mantra you ask? Well... let’s see.... my very recently ex girlfriend now regrets that she broke up with me and wants to get back with me. I am not even entertaining the thought of the possibility. Why? Hmmm... I am not sure.... this is the point at which if she knew where my diary was I would have to make this a private entry.. but I never really wanted to be in a relationship. As usual ( or as par...) I just kinda fell into one. We were spending more and more time together, and getting more and more lovely dovey, and why bother stopping?? I didn’t care if I was in a relationship or not and all she wanted was another relationship so she could not be ‘alone’ and wouldn’t has the rest of her lonely life to look forward too. Yes, she loves me.. and I still love her. But.. *sighs* I feel like I will be repeating this statement for the rest of my life... ."just because I love you doesn’t mean I NEED or WANT to be ‘with’ you" annnyyywayyyyyyy..... *sighs* I do not want to be anybody else’s happily ever after. I don’t know. I have to be confusing her cuz I am confusing myself. I do love her.. no doubt... but....she is too needy. Not even too needy. Too not emotionally independent. I need somebody who can calmly walk away... and just as calmly come back. I need somebody who isn’t a romantic.... and yet who is passionate. I need somebody for whom sex is not a priority... and sometimes isn’t even an option. I need somebody who can talk with ‘discussing’ and cuddle without clinging.
I need another cold hearted bitch. Hmm.... I hear they are hard as hell to warm up to.

---

I am getting sick. My throat is sore as all get out, and I can’t eat oranges or orange juice (for the citric acid and vitamin C) because I am too unused to sugar and they make me nauseated. *sighs* I hate stress. I hate trying to deal with stress. God.... just give a 60 hour a week job any day.
Speaking of which... I have gotten three rejections from other companies in the past week. Oh my but doesn’t that just bolster my desire to turn down this job offer I already have. *sighs* Emotional Stress puts me in a bad mood... I want to growl and them crawl into bed and hide. I don’t clean my house.... ( I finally washed the dishes from her birthday dinner today...or at least some of them) I sure as hell don’t do homework ( I blew off my first program for one class) *sighs* Dammit.... and only because I care does it matter. But at the same time... *thinks* I care for myself too much to care too much for her. Does that make any sense?? Yes? No? hell .... you tell me.... I’m going to bed.

Stay Jazzed.

Mantra

I am a COLD hearted bitch.
I AM a cold hearted bitch.
I am a cold HEARTED bitch.
I am a cold hearted BITCH

I can’t figure out with one I like better. Hm. Why the mantra you ask? Well... let’s see.... my very recently ex girlfriend now regrets that she broke up with me and wants to get back with me. I am not even entertaining the thought of the possibility. Why? Hmmm... I am not sure.... this is the point at which if she knew where my diary was I would have to make this a private entry.. but I never really wanted to be in a relationship. As usual ( or as par...) I just kinda fell into one. We were spending more and more time together, and getting more and more lovely dovey, and why bother stopping?? I didn’t care if I was in a relationship or not and all she wanted was another relationship so she could not be ‘alone’ and wouldn’t has the rest of her lonely life to look forward too. Yes, she loves me.. and I still love her. But.. *sighs* I feel like I will be repeating this statement for the rest of my life... ."just because I love you doesn’t mean I NEED or WANT to be ‘with’ you" annnyyywayyyyyyy..... *sighs* I do not want to be anybody else’s happily ever after. I don’t know. I have to be confusing her cuz I am confusing myself. I do love her.. no doubt... but....she is too needy. Not even too needy. Too not emotionally independent. I need somebody who can calmly walk away... and just as calmly come back. I need somebody who isn’t a romantic.... and yet who is passionate. I need somebody for whom sex is not a priority... and sometimes isn’t even an option. I need somebody who can talk with ‘discussing’ and cuddle without clinging.
I need another cold hearted bitch. Hmm.... I hear they are hard as hell to warm up to.

---

I am getting sick. My throat is sore as all get out, and I can’t eat oranges or orange juice (for the citric acid and vitamin C) because I am too unused to sugar and they make me nauseated. *sighs* I hate stress. I hate trying to deal with stress. God.... just give a 60 hour a week job any day.
Speaking of which... I have gotten three rejections from other companies in the past week. Oh my but doesn’t that just bolster my desire to turn down this job offer I already have. *sighs* Emotional Stress puts me in a bad mood... I want to growl and them crawl into bed and hide. I don’t clean my house.... ( I finally washed the dishes from her birthday dinner today...or at least some of them) I sure as hell don’t do homework ( I blew off my first program for one class) *sighs* Dammit.... and only because I care does it matter. But at the same time... *thinks* I care for myself too much to care too much for her. Does that make any sense?? Yes? No? hell .... you tell me.... I’m going to bed.

Stay Jazzed.