Eep.

My entire favorites list is in bold. I didn't send a single postcard as I lost them during one of our drunken rambles through Geneva. And oddly enough - I'm REALLY excited about being back at work. Let's see how long this lasts....

Who wants a postcard from Switzerland???

Yup - I'm sending em out. I've only been here a day, and really - it's a LOVELY place. And, it looks like I will have a couple of chances to get out on my own, so I'm excited.

Email your snail mail addys to me at greengoddess@jazzyblue.net, and I'll send em out.


Au Revoir!

Departing

I don't get nervous/excited/anxious until the day of. It's almost standard procedure for me - no matter how long (or short) I have until a major event I don't really FEEL anything until the day of. I might mentally worry or fret, but the physical/emotional is totally calm. It's rather nice...

I could barely stay in bed long enough to write my morning pages today - I was intensely eager to get going. First I took the cats to the kennel - and I can't BEGIN to tell you how guilty I felt as I left them. I don't know why - but oh I felt (feel) so bad about having to leave them in a kennel. From this, I have just confirmed that it will break my heart to have to leave my kids in daycare.
After that - I ran some last errands, picked up my shoes, and got some batteries. GOt home at noon, and cooked, ate and cleaned. I'm done packing, and I just have to sit on my hands and wait until 2 when I'm going to call the cab.

My only worry is that it has been SERIOUSLY storming - tornado watches and all, and I'm hoping that they will clear out before 5 - and that they are not going west. Cuz if I have to rearrange my flight, I'm going to get a verrrah bad feeling about this trip. Eh.

Is it sad that I have an entire bag that is soley for my shoes and pocketbooks? I think I would be more traumatized if THAT bag got lost than if my clothes got lost. I hate buying shoes - I have wide flat feet, and it's rare to find a pair of CUTE shoes that fit and are comfortable. So each pair of shoes I own (and it's only like 12 pairs) is VERY valuable to me, as they are each treasures. The clothes are easy to replace.

I have to get my pilates tape back from my coworker when I get back - I'm getting back to that point I was at in HIGH SCHOOL where the everything on me is proportionate to a size but my belly. In other words - if my belly was a wee bit smaller, I'd be like a perfect 16. I lose weight from my tummy last and I don't know if I will EVER have a flat tummy since I've had a round tummy since birth, no matter how skinny the rest of me was. So - I'm going to have to start doing some intense belly toning to offset the extra fat that is there.

I've also noticed something changing about myself - I'm no longer ashamed of my body. Like if I wear something that touches my belly occasioanlly - I don't really feel the need to hunch over, or suck in, or conceal it - i just accept it. It's part of my body, and there's really nothing wrong with that. It's not like I'm talking about flashing my cellulite - but just coming to terms with the shape I'm in and not feeling like I should conceal myself from others for the sole reason that I'm bigger than most of them. I think I'm actually becoming COMFORTABLE with who I am. It's sad that I had to lose weight for this to happen... but still.

1:14....

Freak

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	50% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	61.2%
Shamelessness	52.4% It takes a couple of drinks	76.7%
Sex Drive	44.7% I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!	74.8%
Straightness	3.6% Knows the other body type like a map	40%
Gayness	14.3% Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame	79.3%
Fucking Sick	69% Dipped into depravity	87.8%
You are 41.43% pure Average Score: 69.3%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

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What can I say? :)

Creative Expressions

1)Dancing on the front porch – it was a dream of me being a ballerina that was crushed by my body. Enemy = myself

2)Images – tried to draw – the eyes, I was always drawing eyes. It was secretive and hidden because I wasn’t supposed to draw images. Enemy = Amin

3)The Writing – those letters to myself that I showed my mother who corrected the spelling. I poured out my heart and was told to rewrite the story to something that I know was false. Enemy = my mother.

4)Art as a hobby – something more worthwhile has to pay the bills. Enemy = Ummi

5)Photography – I had an eye – I was observant – I was good. What happened? What changed? The last set of real pictures I took was in Atlanta. I felt so very adrift like the photography should have a purpose and all I was doing was taking snapshots.

I may be my biggest enemy. I expect perfection from myself from the start - as if I'm too good to practice. Perhaps because everything else in my life has come so easy - I never had to study, I didn't do anything active enough to have to practice it, there was no need for concentrated repetition in my life. I picked it up fast, and I can't pick up everything that fast. It doesn't mean that I CAN'T do it - it just means that I need to practice doing it. And even the best still took an occasional snapshot.

I need to re-read the tasks, and then I will come back to this.

Stylin'

So - I'm going to go and buy some CLOTHES!! WHOO HOOO!!!

Okay - I'm going to need at least 7 unique outfits that can be combined with each other, plus 3 weekend outfits, plus 2 travel outfits cuz I KNOW what I wore to get there I'm not going to want to wear to come back home.
I plan on going home today and ravishing my closet to see what in there is in any sort of professional looking condition. I feel like I can get away with looking half-asssed at work in the US, but I think that I should look A LOT more professional going to meet these new people that I'm going to be working with. In other words - 2 WEEKS of pantyhose. Oh my.
I was in Walmart and I tried on a 12/14 jacket. I could put it on, but I could't button it - however I know that a full 14 might fit, and a full 16 will definitely fit, so that's cool.
One of my favorite shows is "What Not to Wear" (both the UK and the US version). I told Corey that if he ever feels the need to sign me up for one of those "Makeover" shows, I won't be the least bit upset at him. In fact, everytime I watch WNTW, I start to drool just THINKING about having 5K to spend on a whole new wardrobe.

I'm going to go home tonight and figure out what I can wear and what I'm missing - like I know I need a nice black blouse and a pair of nice black heels and maybe a pair of brown ones - and put together a list so that I can take it with me to the store tomorrow night. It's really high time that I do this, since every warm day, it takes me close to 45 minutes to find an appropiate outfit to wear. *sigh* I plan on keeping all of my sweaters from this past winter just in case I end up being pregnant during the winter time. I don't plan on getting pregnant for at least another few years, and by that time I should be small enough that they can be ready made maternity clothes.

This should really be fun.

Whoosh

I just deleted a very whiny entry about my impending two week trip to Switzerland, because really - what good does that do me? Instead - I'm going to handle this in a more adult manner. I'm going - at this point there is no way I could get out of going - but I can determine how I'm going to react to going.
Yes, I'm going to have to spend a good bit of money that I really didn't PLAN on spending - but the clothes I need anyway, and the cat's shots they need, and the kennel fees - well I'll just have to suck those up.
So - I've got a free weekend in SWITZERLAND!!! What should I do over the weekend? The site might set up a few suggested weekend trips, but I don't HAVE to go on those trips. And I've no problem striking out on my own - so I need to see if I can get any ideas of what to do. I've now got several errands to run - I need a guide book, and some clothes, and shoes. *gulp* I'm asking for an extension on one of my credit cards. I don't get paid until next Thursday, and I definitely need a lil extra moolah - and I don't want to use the 'specific' card.

Whoo. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed is all - I totally didn't expect to go, and to have to get ready for a two week (international) trip in a little under 4 days is well - overwhelming. And I don't think that I will really get excited until I know that everything is settled, and hell... that most likely won't be until I get on the Chicago-London branch of the trip.

Segue

I was going to actually try to write an entry, but I feel like absorbing others words rather than writing my own. So instead - I present:

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A - Abstained from sex? Of my own free will? No.
B - Butter or margarine? Butter only
C - Cavities? None
D - Devil's Food Cake or Angel Food Cake? Devils Food – the rich, smooth, dense, dark kind.
E - Eggs cooked? Boiled with salt and pepper.
F - Fudge? Wonderful! Made some fudgy brownies cupcakes last night
G - Gravy? Eh – not really.
H - Handsome, smart or rich? Rich.
I - Ice cream? Only rarely – not my favorite dessert
J - Jell-O shots? YUM! I think I might make some tonight.
K - Kit Kat bars or Mounds? Bleh – neither.
L - Lima beans? NASTY.
M - Money or happiness? Happiness!!!
N - Nicest way to say I Love You? Open your mouth and say “I love you”
O - Orange juice? reminds me of being sick, since that is the only time I drink it.
P - Pineapple? Upside down cake – with little cherries in it.
Q - Quiche: Wonderful – I would have made some bacon and spinach quiche… I might do that for next month.
R - Ribs? Slow cooked over a wood fire, drenched in tangy sweet homemade BBQ sauce.
S – Slaw? Homemade with lots of pepper and dill.
T - Turkey, dressing? Just dressing for me please – and an extra side of cranberry sauce.
U - Uncomfortable? Slightly – I wish I had more pillows.
V - Vegetables? Of course! How else would I get my carbs?
W - Water? I drink about 140oz a day during the week, and 80 on the weekend days. :)
X - Xactly ? No – I don’t use uncharacteristic spellings.
Y - Yes, ....... I’m GOING to be a midwife
Z - Zzzz's, ......Oh – one of my favorite things.

Eep.

I just found out I'm going to Switzerland for a WEEK. Oh my.

Impressions

I felt like I was back in college as I walked from my car to work this morning - not because my head is full of scholarship and GRE thoughts, but because I was wearing my sorority jacket. A jacket that I could fit when I brought it, but I WANTED one and I had the money so I got it anyway. It's now a tiny bit too big. I'm smaller than I was senior year in college. But - I still don't feel it.

One of my coworkers told me I looked "Fabulous!" today. I'm wearing my favorite pair of stretch jeans (and NO - they don't look like that - they are just fitted and bend and stretch easier - no belly binding) and a very old short sleeved thin sweater. "New clothes?" she asked - and I cold honestly say no - they aren't new, I just haven't worn them for ages because my self confidence wouldn't let me. The sweater's not tight - but it's definitely formfitting, and I usually wear the jeans with a nice mid thighlength shirt to cover my poouch. I had to TALK myself into wearing it today - because when I look in the mirror, all I see in my belly poouch and the rolls on my back. Yeah - it's all smaller, but it's still THERE. What finally convinced me to wear the outfit was thinking of one of my size 6 coworkers who yesterday wore something that showed her little poouch. If she can show her poouch, why can't I? And even still - when I look in the bathroom mirror at work - I don't feel very fabulous.

It's strange. I've (FINALLY) passed the 40 pound mark - and while I FEEL better - I don't LOOK better to me. In some ways - I think I actually look WORSE as my skin adjusts to the weight I've lost and the remaining blubber shifts around. I wonder if any of the 'professional' weight loss systems have a psychological component to help them adjust to seeing a new body? I would hope they would - especially for people who have had gastric bypass surgery. I'm having issues seeing myself as a new person after losing 40 pounds in a little over 9 months - how would I be feeling if I had lost 100 pounds in that time frame?

- sidenote -
That means I've lost at least a pound a week. Slower than I HAVE to go as two pounds a week is safe, but still - that's not half bad. If I actually exercised more who knows where I would be...
- end sidenote -

I've gotten used to the new way of eating enough that it's almost second nature now - so I'm not nearly as focused on my weight loss as I was when I started. But occasionaly, I wonder what if ANYTHING I've done. I'm in 16's now - from a 22/24 - but I don't feel like that is a real change, because I still see that big girl in the mirror. I think someone told me once before that I should be able to clearly see a difference after I lose half of what I want to lose - which is another 10 pounds. I doubt it, simply because I should be able to see that change NOW.
The other thing I wonder about is whether I was in such denial about how big I was that the size I am now still fits my mental image of the size I was. So instead of it being that I still see the big girl - I NEVER saw the big girl, and instead saw something else that looked like what I look like now. So - until I get smaller than my mental image of me, I won't feel like I'm getting smaller at all. Hm. I think I'll go with that one - I'd much rather have been in denial THEN than be in denial now.

One thing I have noticed is that I like it more when Corey touches me. Him rubbing my side FEELS so much better now that he isn't hitting rolls, and instead simply slides up my side. It matches what my mind tells me sexy is - so I feel sexier. Heh. I refuse to analyze those reactions at all - I figure anything that makes me like my man and what we do more, I'm going to blissfully roll with.

I think when I see my friends and family who haven't seen me for a while and get their reaction, I'll be able to tell whether or not the changes I've made are REALLY noticable. Though I have to admit - when we went to go see Corey's family at Easter, one of his aunts said 'Hey Ms Skinny' but - I'm not sure how much I can really rely on THAT opinion.

Sudden

So. I think I'm going back to school. I'm poking/prodding at the thought very gently, skittish that it will somehow blow all up in my face.

There are three schools I'm mainly looking at - The University of Miami, The University of Florida, and The University of California, San Fransico. All three offer an acclerated BS to BSN to MSN with a specialization in Nurse-Miwifery, and they all last about three years.

The prereqs for all the school are about the same - Anatomy, Physiology, Microbiology, Statistics, Chemistry, and the UofM also wants an additional class in Behavioral Stats, Nutrition and Behavioral Science.

Looking at the IUPUI website, I see they have this thing called Weekend College. Starting in August, they offer full Anatomy & Physiology classes on Saturday and Sunday. I could take both of them the Fall Semester, then take the Micro and one of the other classes in the Spring. I've already taken Chemistry and Statistics, so I don't have to worry about them...though I might need to check on the 'expiry' date of the Chem classes because I believe I took one freshman year. Also - I can take the GRE at some point this year so I will know if I need to retake it before I apply to start school in Fall 2004.

I also need to figure out what sort of skills are required for entrance to the schools. Just the prerequisites and the GRE seems WAY too simple - I need to find out if any of the schools require clinical experience - thought I'm almost sure they don't.

The only issue - naturally, naturally, naturally! - is money. I think it's too late to try to find some grant like aid for the Fall session, but I should be able to find something for the spring, and I've already started to look for money for the CNM/MSN program.

I feel like a HUGE window has been opened that I'm looking out of - suddenly it seems like I CAN do this - most of my ambivalence about training to be a midwife has vanished - I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I want to do this - I just don't know HOW.

---

Corey has an interview TOMORROW with a new resturant downtown. He won't have the luxury of 'good' hours anymore ost likely, but STILL - if he gets it he'll be making more money, and he will *dances madly* be back in Indy with ME. Him being back will also ease me going to school - I won't feel guilty about making him drive up to see me every weekend since my mornings would be gone. And - and! It would make it easier also because I would have a little extra cash - if he moved soon enough, I might be able to save close to enough money for tuition -it's only 140 bucks a credit hour, and I plan on taking 10 hours.
Also - I HATE not having him here because we don't talk nearly enough. When we are together we are so into vibing aboutbeing TOGETHER and having fun that we don't talk about the normal day to day stuff - and I KNOW I'm horrid about forgetting to tell people stuff. So there are things that go on here, that I totally forget to tell him about, but that he SHOULD be in the loop with. And I honestly believe that if we lived together - that out of syncness would be eliminated. Besides - I miss him.

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I started The Artist's Way (henceforth to be known as TAW) Wednesday. It seems like a very - interesting book. I'm not going to prejudge however - I'm going to go through the program and just do it and see what results there are.
It interesting how the attitudes of several things that I'm working on are all coming together. Seven Habits focuses on changing how you handle and view your world as a way to change and improve your world. The Abrams Prosperity do-hickey talks about the energy you put out being reflected by the energy you recieve, and TAW says that as you open yourself to your creativity, it becomes easier to go further. I'm don't feel like I'm explaining this very well - but I feel like so MUCH in my life is coming together and simply fitting into each other and connecting in ways I wouldn't even have considered. I'm trying to take the advice of all these self-help books (which is really what they are) and simply relax and trust that with my determination and persistence and expectation, I WILL make my way.
As I told someone in a note - I KNOW that I will be a midwife - now all that is left is figuring out how.

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I'm working to ameliorate the fact that I've never seen an actual birth - I've put myself on the request list for several birth videos from the library. I know it's nothing like live, but at least seeing what goes on will help me figure out if I'm up to it.
I still want to figure out a way that I can become some sort of labor/delivery support person WITHOUT quitting my job. The only other option I thought of was getting a childbirth educator (CBE) certification from somewhere, and teaching a class - then potentially I could be invited to a birth that way. Or - I could find someone who is giving the class now, and be an indispensible help to them (for free of course) and once again - maybe get invited to a birth or two. Really - I just need to get in good with a BUNCH of pregnant women - someone has to drop after work hours and on the weekend, right?
I also want to get some basic first aid training, including neonatal recusitation, and general crap like how to take a blood pressure and insert an IV. Stuff I can learn, and maybe even for free or really cheap in a one day training session. That way - I will be of more use than a pair of hands at a birth. I also could take pictures - I think that would be fabulous, but once again, I would want to have had some previous exposure to the birthing family than just showing up in L&D with a camera!

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So. I've spent under 10 bucks this week, and I'm QUITE proud of myself. Two cheap food additions, and a couple of pens for the house (and for my morning pages). I'm not sure if we are going out to lunch this afternoon, but if we are I'm going to have to damp down my usual insticnt of ordering an appetizer, and just get a good filling entree instead. This weekend - I know that we are supposed to be going to a boat party and we are going to have to chip in for the meat. Then, we are thinking about going to a reggae show - but I can most likely get in free. I need to get my nails done...and that's about it. Without including the nails (which are PART of my budget) I should get through the weekend and spend under 20 bucks.
It's interesting how changing how I handle my money (just for the 3 weeks I've been doing it) de-stresses me. I'm not WORRYING about having enough money, cuz I"m not spending any. I know my bills are paid, I know I can get gas, I've got plenty of food. What else do I need to spend money on regularly? Nothing! And as the weather is getting nicer, I've got a whole outside to wander and read through and explore. I want to start taking walks around my complex - both to check out any potential photogenic areas, but also just to get me offa my heiny.
Speaking of heines - our belly dancing class found out that we are having a RECITAL May 27th.

Oh my.