I sing a song....

Yesterday, I finally made it to the mall & used my HMV gift certificate to get Macy Gray & Meshell Ndegechello’s CD’s. Now… I’m listening to Meshell and… *thinks* her CD is so private. I feel like I am looking in on someone’s prayers and dreams. Her voice, soft & husky sucks you into the songs...and the slow guitar & harps in the background bring you down to a state of almost somnolent peace. She sings like she is casting her heart out into the world… she sings you down into peace and pulls you right back out into her pain. She sings about love and pain and hate and grace and bitterness and changes it all back around so that she is singing about you and her and praying that you both become whole.

She sings me
Into a prayer
Into a personal space
That opens to the world
She drifts
Into the memories
Of her own love
And I follow
Hopelessly
Entangled in the web
Of her honey voice
And diamond sharp tongue

So…I have been listening to this CD almost since I got it…tho I did slide in Janet’s Design of a Decade to clean. *sighs* I got almost the whole house done last night… I just have to clean the kitchen and organize my junky closet back into a semblance of decency and I will be done. I will most likely wash clothes tomorrow after I get in from class. Then my entire house will be clean. Although I am short on cash (I can pay the rent…but food might get a little tight) and I have to buy a book for ONE class that costs 108.00.. I am going to go to the dollar store and buy some candles for myself. I need to get some more incense too…but I am not sure where I can find that at. *sighs* I will NOT worry about the money…although I do need my books kinda badly. *thinks* I need to see how much I have left on my credit card. I might be able to get one book with that…
I love the internet… I have found ALL of my books for 260. All four of them. : ) *sighs* Now all I have to do is convince my mother to put them on her card and I will pay her back later…


Stay Jazzed.

Dust Bunnies of The Heart

*sighs & stretches* Well… a bit of empirical evidence and I think I have made my decision.
I had sex with JEH last night… and it had to be the … *thinks* strangest thing imaginable. I… *shakes head* I am a very open & out going & *thinks* totally free person…but for the first time ever...having sex made me feel… dirty. Within myself… without anyone else’s opinions or thought affecting that balance. I hated it…. without a doubt.. without a side note.. without a second thought…. *sighs* I ain’t sure why I feel this way.. and I’m not even sure if it matters. I just do… and it isn’t even the fact that I didn’t remain celibate (which is PROMPTLY back on track).. it was just the feeling that there was something so wrong in something that once was so right…..

This is starting to scare me… *sighs* I mean…. I don’t know… It is like something within me is changing and I don’t even know what it is.. all I know is that this change is heading onward whether I understand it or not. It feels like….rebirth….and somehow it will all eventually make sense.

I know that all day… well at least the part of the day when I wasn’t out and about and doing stuff.. when I had quiet time I just felt.. unclean… like I needed to scrub my soul out. *sighs* I don’t know… I feel so uncentered and so… unright. *sighs* I feel like apologizing to myself for doing it… for letting him convince me to do something that I wasn’t really wanting to do.. I feel like I need to beg forgiveness of my spirit…and I need to build myself back up…from a point that I had reached without even being aware I was approaching it…

Anyhow… today was the first day of classes. *sighs* I think this semester will be hard as hell….but fun. somehow I feel like a freshman again… when everything was new and incredible and amazing somehow… and all I wanted to do was learn. I have to pick up some other skills as well.. (classes that I SHOULD have taken but haven’t) and I think that … with a LOT of hard work...and some guidance, and some peer support and some determination I will make it through. I don’t see myself graduating in May 2000 tho…because that would require me taking almost 25 hours next semester and THAT particular scenario of madness ain’t happening.
Hmm…. what else? I have been seeing A LOT of folx from school in the last few days.. folx who have actually been in the city but who I simply haven’t seen… it is kinda cool…I know more people than I thought I did. The money situation is getting kinda tight because the PLUS loan hasn’t come through yet, and I still don’t have a for-certain job pulling a paycheck although I have three of them lined up so far. *sighs* none of them have PERFECT hours… but I will take what I can get.


*sighs* I feel so thoroughly CRAPPY right now. I want to crawl into bed and just melt away. *gags* but instead I think I will turn on some Janet…and clean my house…the physical one at least… I think the mental & spiritual one will take a little more work.

Stay Jazzed.

Style of Sex

I opened MSWord….fully intending to sit down and write a long diatribe on the follies of Internet communication. And then I asked a simple question and started talking about religion...and evolution...and all sorts of delightful things. anyhow…. I decided not to write about that… simply because it doesn’t hold QUITE as true anymore… so..where to now? *sighs* let’s talk about it…. sex that is….

I had quite the weekend this weekend. And last.. which I haven’t talked about just yet… or the repercussions from last weekend.

I guess I will start with last weekend..because that affected this weekend in some ways.. *sighs* I don’t know..

I went to a get together that T&T had…. according to Tfemale… was NOT going to be a sex party…she was.. *laughs* performing an experiment to see if a group of open minded people could get-together withOUT sex occurring. In other words.. could we get together and chill & kick it and be ourselves without somebody having to f***? To put it simply it failed pretty damn badly.. it denigrated into an all out sex party. I wasn’t part of it because I was sick… stomach problems? *raised eyebrow* that may have been my way of getting out of a situation that I was thoroughly uncomfy with. I truly DID not want to f*** any of the people there…. especially the guys.. *yeech* like I said.. I am just not into the whole dude thing.. So I spent the weekend there… the party was on Saturday…and I stayed there over night..and I spent Sunday there too. Now mind you.. me and Tfemale had been.. *thinks* touching each other all during the party.. not DOING anything even remotely hedonistic.. but touching.. on the arms.. on the face.. *sighs* it was… very relaxing and safe feeling for me. Anyhow…. Tmale went out with the remaining couple for breakfast and Tfemale and I chilled around the house… when Tmale got back .. *sighs* he was doing something or another and started having sex with Tfemale…anyhow..somehow I got pulled into it… literally… *laughs* for the longest me & Tfemale were just kissing… that was it. And… *thinks* it felt so good. *laughs* It was almost like a soul kiss… but not.. it was something outside of what I have gone before.. I was like I could have kissed her forever and been simply happy with doing that and only that… but I progressed onto doing more.. and we will draw the curtain over that scene…
fast forward to.. *Thinks* Wednesday I guess… me & Tfemale are talking…and the subject of ‘us’ comes up…. and it was odd..because she was trying to feel out how I felt about her..and I had to be honest.. that if it wasn’t for her husband.. I would want to be in a relationship with her (I think.. we aren’t going to get into my whole relationship thing) ..but once again that male presence would just… warp everything somehow. so..that went through.. and I was kinda… floating for awhile because I think/thought that I do want a girlfriend. I’m not going to go into the differences between being in a relationship with a an and being in a relationship with a woman. anyhow…. fast forward to this weekend. I had promised JEH a massage…. his back hurt for some reason or another… I told him I was going to try to be celibate...and he told me that we were gong to have sex before October. *rolls eyes* anyway. So he came over Saturday night.. I gave him the massage and it was cool… we were laying next to each other..cuz we do still love each other. *shrug* that is how we are…. anyhow.. he tried to go further.. *sighs* and that started the trend.. all weekend basically he was begging me to let him f*** me. and all weekend he was getting the same answer… NO NO & HELL NO. *shrugs* and…. I DID relate to him sexually… we did a lot of kissing and rubbing…. but I would have enjoyed it just as much without it. I like being around him..I like hanging with him..but he always manages to bring sex into it and that warps the whole thing. Once again.. I recognize that it is a matter of changing how we relate to each other..but damn I didn’t think it would be quite so hard.

So that long ass story brings me to now. And now is a question that is looking me dead in my face… assisted by a random snide remark tossed my way by MJW who is gay regarding bisexuality. What do I really want? I mean… as CAK told me…. you can’t be celibate with men and do stuff with Tfemale at the same time…. and he has a perfectly good point. I can’t..but do I even want to? the question that I am asking myself now is simply this… do I want to STOP having sex with men period for a while…. or do I want to stop having sex period? While deciding to only have sex with women would upset a few folx.. *shrugs* They will get over it.. this is my life my heart & my decision to make. I have been.. *thinks* looking over & past & around this question for a while because the implications that would come up are more than I am really ready to handle. I have never really been one to narrowly define anything..but if I choose to start having sex with ONLY women… that will change how I am viewed, and how my sexuality is viewed, by a lot of people.

And I’m not sure….which is the problem…. I love being with women… I love laying with a women… and right now at this point.. I like it more than I do being with man. *shakes head* I can’t explain it..but there is something in women that men (or at least the ones I have been dealing with) are lacking… and it is s something that I simply don’t see existing within them. *shrugs* so here I am…. and I’m wondering if refusing to have sex at ALL is a way of sticking my head in the sand for while….ignoring the problem as a whole.

So.. that is my state of confusion...that is my dilemma and somehow.. by writing it down I haven’t come to a decision…but I feel a whole hell of a lot better. Maybe I will read this tomorrow or Wednesday and it will seems so stupid and inane that I will laugh at myself….or maybe it will make perfect sense then. *shrugs* who knows?

Stay Jazzed.

The Legend of Lillith (My Version)

The Legend of Lillith
( I don’t know if this is how it really goes…but this is my understanding of it & a little sarcasm too )

God had created all of the animals, and the things that swam, and flew, and determined that is was time to create something that had dominion over all of them, because you see, even then God believed that hierarchies were the best way to go. So he opted to Create Adam...and Lillith. They were created at the same time, from the same substance, and received the breath of life as one. God introduced them to each other saying Adam, this is Lillith, your helpmate. Lillith, this is Adam your mate. Lillith noticed a problem in the fact that se was expected to help Adam, but he had no such obligation to her. But she kept quiet, deciding to examine this new environment that she was introduced to. The animals, and the things that swam and flew were presented to them, and Adam named each of them.
Lillith had meanwhile wandered off to see the plants and trees of the Garden. Lillith stopped at one tree, and feeling hunger, ate a fruit from it. ( Yeah THAT tree…*shrugs* how was she to know any better?? ) And with the awareness of the Fruit, she began to wonder… why does Adam get to do everything, and I am cast to the side? She was fully aware of their creation…from the same substance, and that they both received the breath of life as one…but somehow, she was cast aside. Lillith, having eaten the Fruit of Logic ( what did YOU think the fruit granted??) decided to wait, and see perhaps if there was SOMETHING that she would be called upon first to do.

They (Lillith, Adam & God) lived in the garden for a while, with Lillith always in the wings, waiting for her moment to arrive. Adam and God were close, always exploring and examining something new, and while Lillith was always THERE…she was never included. Then, one day Adam came to her and said ‘God has decided that it is time for you to fulfill your position, to do your duty’ Lillith, who had been waiting for this point for quite a while, rejoiced. ‘What is this position which I have been created for?’ she inquired, wondering what wondrous thing she was destined to do. Adam lay her on her back, and began to have sex with her. Lillith, confused, but enjoying it, aid nothing until he was done. He then told her ‘This is your position, on your back to receive my Seed, and on your back to bear my children.” Lillith was astonished to say the least, that of all the wondrous things that the word had presented them to do, she was destined to do only one.

She refused, saying that she was flesh of his flesh, and blood of his blood, and that she could not accept that God had created her for this single purpose. Adam informed her that it was God himself who had decided this, and that as his creation, she had no choice in the matter. Lillith, using her logic that the Fruit had granted her decided that there was always a choice, even if the other options were unpalatable and painful. Lillith then said “I will leave this garden, and find my own way, my own destiny, and my own God, who will allow me to explore the full ability of myself.” Adam, taken aback, cursed her for turning away from what God had ordered, and God cursed her to be forever feared, hated and viewed as an animal and cast her from the Garden. She left the Garden, and passed out of history.

But I think that Lillith lived off of the land, ( for the Garden was only a small part of Earth…but you knew that right? ) and learned from the animals, and the stars and the seas…and while she was lonely & alone, she was her own woman, fulfilling her own destiny. And, one day, she met another man, who was called Cain, and they lived together and produced children. And in the children they produced have come the extremes of society, from the simply demented psychopaths, to the frighteningly brilliant composers. You see, Adam and Eve created only duplicates of themselves, who believed that there were no other options other than what God offered, while Lillith and Cain produced children who believed that there was always another path.

And that is MY take on the legend of Lillith.

Of Paths and Meetings

Meeting of the minds, that is what the Internet should be. That is what chat, and email and all of the other forms of electronic communication SHOULD be about. It is a new way, a new paradigm of interacting with others, a way that may possibly pulll us (as a race – the human one) out of our blind insistence on classifying others by sex...or age.. or race/skin color. But.. this willl only happen when people stop classifying themselves that way. I...personally…am soooo freaking tired of someone IM’ing/ICQ’ing me and their first question is “what do you look like/do you have a picture?’ Really….what difference does it make? We will most likely never meet, and if we ever do meet.. we will be past the concerns of what you LOOK like…because our minds would have met and found each other pleasing.

And somehow.. very few people understand that…they assume that I am either 1) butt ugly 2) not a female or 3) trying to hide something. *sighs* and that really grates on me too. Because I choose not to display myself for any random freak on the netwaves…I have something to hide. Actually.. yes I do have something to hide. My self... my mind.

Anyhow… I guess this is a minor rant…what set me off was oddly enough the OD. Okay… I am sure that this is just me… but when I write in here, I write for ME. I know that people read it...and yeah.. I have to admit I check my notes daily…but I never write to pull people in...for admiration. I don’t know… this is my truth.. my private thoughts my utter honesty. And if others happen to stumble upon it and feel…something…then welll *shrugs* it happens. But it seems to be a travesty of… *thinks* a odd thing to write in your diary for other people. Especially if you mix the two…sometimes true…sometimes…attention grabbing. It’s odd. The diaries I enjoy the most are the ones in which there is truth… where people are dealing with themselves & the people they love (or hate) in a way that helps themselves. The diaries that I think are the BEST are not the ones that scream for attention...but the ones that quietly delve into themselves. *sighs* I don’t know.. I re-read my entries sometimes and realize ‘God.. I have SUCH A boring life’...but every bit of this life is mine own. Unadulterated… unfiltered…and in most ways unaffected by the fact that there are potentially millliiiooonnnnsss of people looking. Perhaps they will meet my mind…and find something to bring them joy.

Anyhow….today is my last day at work…and for some reason I decided to wear all white. I hate wearing all white because you have to be so vey very very aware of everything around you, which my be why those who are *thinks* being initiated onto the path of the Orisha have to wear all white. But I chose to wear it...because white in my mind has no connotations. If I had worn blue.. I would have had a more cheerful mindset… simply because I love blue. If I had worn all black.. I would have given off the idea that I am depressed.. but I wore all white… signifying a cleaning of all old things.. a new beginning. *deep breath* I’m still scared silly about school starting.. and having to interact with people…and.. having to live up to a standard that I could really care less about. But...this is my path that I have chosen to take…and so I have to suck it up and move on.

Paths…hmm. I was talking to the ONE new person I have met on ICQ that is worth any of my time yesterday...and he asked me what I would do if money was no object. *laughs* and I realized that I would spend very very little time in the United States. I would do a serious world tour…focusing on water & sun places…a few cold places simply to see the sky…and taking photographs the whole way. And in talking to him I remembered my life goal from when I was around.. *thins* oh… 14? 15? I wanted to be a photographer for National Geographic. *sighs* I just recently let my subscription lapse…simply because I *shrugs* can’t afford it. *argh* but I’m not going to talk about money right now. I’m wearing white and I can’t afford to gag all over myself.

Stay Jazzed.

Dreamin a New World

I wanna curl up
in the infinity
that is your eyes
and humm a lullaby
that stretches from here
to there
and connects my heart to you
I wanna lay down
under you
and let your smell
enter me
move me
take me
awwwwwaaaayyyyy
I wanna love you
like never before
and like never again
and love you
everyday
the same way
I wanna be YOURS
in a way that stamps you all
over me
and my heart
and can never be erased.

damn. I have decided that my heart is actually in my stomach.. cuz EVERYTIME something happens.. emotionally stressful to me… my stomach hurts. And ever since I have come home from home *laughs* my stomach has been aching. Between being simply SCARED as shit about going ‘back’ to school… the worries about me taking on a leadership role in my sorority, and my money issues…. *sighs* I think I have actually lost weight. And… *sighs* I don’t know….It’s odd to have so much.. undirected worry. I have really.. no reason to worry. All I have to do is be sure to…handle my business and myself well.
*sighs* but like I have always said.. I have so little faith in myself…. *frowns* I just have all these GRADIOSE plans… and no freaking follow through. *sighs* but this isn’t gonna be a beat down or a bitch session.. no not at all… This was supposed to be an uplifting moment…or at least the beginning of one. *sighs* I felt this way when I left Tech too tho…just lost & adrift & shit.
For some reason I haven’t felt like writing much lately. I have been thinking about nothing really… I feel blank. blagh. like everything interesting has been wiped out of my head.. and what is left I’m not quite ready to put down on paper yet. I’m not ready to make them real…which is what recording something has always meant to me. Somehow you are making it more real.
I have been having some… incredible dreams lately. Sadly, I can’t really remember them.. I just know that they have been simply wondrous. I think that may be one of the reasons that I sleep so much.. I simply get sucked into the dream so much that I don’t want to get up...and I think that I want to go to sleep so that I can get sucked in… *sighs* I need to start keeping a dream journal next to my bed.
I feel myself slipping into a state of depression & withdrawal.. and I’m really trying to fight it tooth and nail… because I DON’T need to be.. I can’t be down while I’m starting school. I will be really really shooting myself in the foot. I may go and get some St. John’s Wort (yeah self dosing) and try taking that an a daily basis. and I NEED to take my ass to the gym again and start getting some endorphins flowing.
*sighs* but really… all I want to do is sleep….and

Stay Jazzed.

Surveys

1. Name: Aishah (at least the one I share)
2. Nickname(s): Mami
3. E-mail address: look at the diary description
4. Age: 22
5. Birthday: 01/13/1977
6. Sex (as in gender): female
7. ICQ #: see email
8. Social Security #: Oh… your JOKING right?
**Alright, let's move on to some favorites, and there are a lot of them.
9. NFL Team: wha?
10. NBA Team: huh?
11. Major League Baseball Team: who?
12. NHL Team: say wha?
13. Food: Medditerian, Indian
14. Cereal: Smart Start or Corn Pops
15. Type of Ice Cream: Dulce de Leche
16. Soda: Schwepps Gingerale
17. Brand of jeans: Gap Wide Leg
18. Shampoo: Ummm…hm it depends. Something that is VERY moisturizing
19. Store: Books: Borders Clothes: Value City Home Stuff: Pier 1
20. Color: BLUE
21. Season: Spring
22. Time of day: Night
23. Actor: none
24. Actress: none
25. Author: Mercedes Lackey at this time
26. Book: All of them….at this time
27. Board Game: Scrabble
28. Talk Show: *shrugs* Don’t watch them
29. Cartoon: Daria
30. Cartoon Character: Daria
31. Favorite time in your life thus far? High School
32. What is one thing you could live without? bills
33. Now, how about the one thing you couldn't live without? books
34. Do you own any collections; and if so, of what? music and books
35. What is your one obsession (and believe me, we all have one)? Houses
36. Birthstone: Garnet
37. Astrological Sign: Capricorn
38. Favorite Type of Flower: roses
39. Best Smell: Egyptian Musk
40. Worst Smell: sour trash
41. Best Band: band? *siiigggghhs*
42. Worst Band: see above
43. Best Commercial: don’t know
44. Worst Commercial: most of them
45. Would you rather go to school or work for $1 hour? School..add a couple of zeros to that figure and ya might geta different answer
46. Do you enjoy snow or water skiing more? Water. The UNFROZEN kind
47. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Ummmm 12? 15?
48. How often do you clip your fingernails? Never. I LIKE them long
49. Who do you watch: Leno or Letterman? Neither
50. If you could have one special power, what would it be? To make myself look like aything/anyoneI wanted to.
51. Best morning news program? I listen to the radio in the morning
52. Name the one thing you put on everyday (besides underwear): my silver. But then again, I never take it off
53. When's the last time you went to the doctor (not including physicals)?: *thinks* I’m assuming that includes GYN visits…so it has been a couple of years.
54. How many hours of sleep do you average during school? 4-7 hours
55. During the summer? 6-10 hours.
56. What position do you sleep in? On my side
57. How many covers do you use? One (down comforter or sheet)
58. How many pillows do you use? 2 & a teddy bear
59. What is the size of your bed? Full
60. What do you sleep in? If I’m alone in my home – nude. If I have a platonic guest – a tee shirt If I have a non platonic guest – nude
61. Best CD? Too hard to decide, but TLC’s FanMail isa favorite
62. Favorite soundtrack? Love Jones
63. Favorite Song? Silly Ho, by TLC or My Love is You Love by Whitney Houston
64. Song you're embarrassed to admit you like? The Macarena
66. Least favorite movies? Anything gory
67. How many movies did you see in the past year? *shrugs* 20?
68. How many of those were in the movie theater? 10?
69. Favorite comedy TV show?: The Steve Harvey Show
70. Drama TV show?: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer/Ally McBeal (or is that a comedy?)
71. Sci-Fi TV show?: Star Trek: The Next Generation
72. Worst TV shows?: Almost everything else…Charmed.
73. Prom-is it all its cracked up to be? Mine? No….my best friends’ (at that point) oh YES
74. How often do you pray?: rarely.
75. Do you prefer a comb/brush/or pick?: Comb …brushes don’t work in my hair
76. Pen or pencil?: Pen
77. Do you have pets; and if so, what?: nope
78. What has been the best trip that you've taken?: Niagra Falls
79. Name the least favorite chore you are made to do: Cleaning the BAthroom
80. The chore that you tolerate the most: washing dishes
81. What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos
82. Do you believe in fate?: Yes
83. Love at first sight?: Yes
84. That there's a certain person out there for you somewhere?: Yes
85. How about UFO's?: Yes. How else did I get here? .
86. Ghosts?
87. Reincarnation?: Yes.
88. Angels?: Yes
89. Horoscopes?: Sometimes
90. Abortion?: A choice I PRAY (see there is one time) I never have to make
91. Pre-Marital Sex?: Yes. : - )
92. Y2K?: *shrugs* well yeah.

Floating

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.


I’m letting go… I’m releasing it all. All I can carry is me. All I can hold is what can fit in my hands…I can’t share someone else’s burden…nor can I try to give mine to someone else. I’m pushing free…and floating in my own sea.
*sighs* to do any less is unfair to me.
to do any more is unfair to me.
and I AM the keeper of my own ways.

A New Road to Hoe...

listen
to the sound
of a heart
breaking into
three
dropping everything to
catch the pieces
before they fall
and roll away
I read a tale today
and heard the sound
but moved too slow
and my heart lay on the ground

I don’t know how to start this.. or how to finish it.. over even where somewhere is in the middle that I could jump in and work my way out from there. *laughs* sometimes I tend to forget what ‘this’ is… and other times it is all I can think about. How can I translate what is only a blurry mental image into words that can convey not just what I see but what I feel…how can I describe top you a point that I have reached only be being so totally and utterly myself that if I strayed from being myself…because I was the one doing I was still myself? Confusing huh? yeah.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I can’t compile myself into a story short enough to fit here…to understand me fully would take a tale that is 22 years long…and my the time it was done…parts of it would be outright lies.. and parts would be simply antiquated. *sighs* some things cannot be expressed or understood my anything other than the heart.
This is my story
This is my life
This is my heart
This is my love(s)
and so much more too…
I cleaned my room yesterday, and in the process of cleaning… found and Old OLD journal of mine… as I was putting in away.. a card fell out of it. I wads from MJW… from a few years ago. And as I read it.. I realized that what I was asking for...he had…in his own way already given to me. *laughs* I wonder if he remembers… I wonder why I didn’t remember. *sighs* anyway…. I slid the card back in my journal…and dreamed of him last night. It was a dream along the lines of the ones I had before the break…and in that way I guess my heart was telling my mind that all was well. Now that THAT connection is healed… *looks around* I have to complete the delving into myself.
I had actually slowed down on my goddess search.. there was too much around me pulling me in other directions. Now all I have to worry about/think on is my last few days at work.. and my rapidly approaching school times. *deep breaths* I think that I will come up with some mediations for school before it starts. *shakes head* I already know that I can’t allow other folx ideas of when I should be done and how I should be done affect my own journey. *deep breath* This is MY life…and I will have to deal with each and every one of the decisions that I make. *deeper breath* whoo….. This WILL be interesting…..

Stay Jazzed.

Dance Fever....

Okay…confusion confession.

We went to a club on *thinks* Sunday Night.. right after Final Performance. Me..MJW…Nee (who had FINALLY made it back) and three of the other counselors. It was a little club… but very nice.. Kinda empty, but I’m assuming that Sunday was just a slow night. Okay.. anyhow.. how can I explain this? *sighs* me & MJW danced…*laughs* and that was cool.. but *sighs* I don’t know… I felt like I was dancing with an entirely different person. As much of a writer as I try be I can’t put this into words…we danced like mad people… twisting and twining and holding on for dear life. We danced like this was the last & first dance of a life time…we danced until we sweated and sighed…and then held on like ship wreck victims to each other to dance some more. We danced to reggae…hip hop…bounce...house…techno...everything… we danced for almost 3 hours straight…never once stopping to catch our breaths. We danced like lovers who have never touched…and like friends who share a heart. We danced…front to back… back to front… front to front...side to side… holding and hugging and touching and grasping.. *sighs* Dear god I have never danced like that before…and I don’t know if I will ever dance like that again.
So what is the problem you ask? Simple…and not so simple. I wonder where that dancing came from.. that dance had depth and emotion and…*sighs* all kinds of underwater things going into it. The dance was sensual…and just a little sexual. *sighs* and the problem is.. I don’t know if he knew. There was one time when he grabbed my hands and pulled my arms into the air… and I think I would have collapsed from the wave of utter…amazement & heat that swept over me…if I hadn’t already been leaning up against him…*sighs* So my problem? I don’t know how to fit that in with the rest of him. With the icy cool & silent person I rode home with later that night. *sighs* Damn Pisces. And this is making it no better…. ARGHHHHH…

Stay Jazzed.

3 A.M. in The Garden of Love & Pain

I wrote this earrrrlllly this morning as I was fighting sleep something terrible

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so damn nosy. And sometimes…I wonder if I am not probing enough.

I read something that I don’t think…helll that I KNOW I wasn’t supposed to see because it just confused the hell out of me. I refuse to believe that the author of the words is the same person whose handwriting it was in...the person that I (thought/think I) knew. It just wouldn’t work…it wouldn’t make logical or emotional sense.
It’s strange being around him. I realize that the friendship that I am trying to save/renew is based totally on the past…as I deal with old friends, I am always forced to ask myself - if I had met this person today and not blank years ago, would I become friends with them? and the answer with Nee has always been a wholehearted YES…but with MJW...sometimes I’m not sure. He is such a hard nut to crack. One moment cool, silent and distant…and the next moment lavish in his affections. And I don’t trust what I can’t be certain of. Capriciousness was never really one of my favorite things in people.
Somehow…I feel like being here HAS been a turning point for me & not in the direction I expected. It was a turning away…my last day here & I was in a delicious funk as I felt myself slowly & finally & hopefully almost permanently…letting go. I felt myself settling into a new space, a new state of relating to him. The TRIO has changed. We have all grown in different ways, and I don’t know if we still fit together. We don’t really KNOW each other anymore. Me & Nee.. yeah okay. We spent a summer together & because of that we have grown to learn the new & older us So we have adjusted our perceptions of each other to the point at which we are now seeing the selves that we are now, rather than the selves we used to be. MJW however, has been left out of that loop, & I know that some of the ideas/ perceptions that I have of him are outdated, but we haven’t had time for any updates. *sighs* and then… CAK has been on my mind all weekend. I’m not ready to fully fall in love with him. I think…with total honesty, that we would break each others heart right now. I am not caring & giving & sympathetic enough to handle him on a daily basis. I would not be able to fulfill the needs that he has that I would feel that I needed to fulfill as his woman. He doesn’t have a thick enough skin to handle my selfish points, and I can’t constantly pull punches.. *sighs* But I’m feeling him sliding into that portion of my heart.
*sighs* And I am so ready… goddess I want to fall in love.. I want to be loved & treasured and sometimes I think that I am just not ready for it. I am so NOT together in me right now.. I have so much else going on… but at the same time I am reaching for others. I am growing & expanding and trying to branch out into a whole nother realm of BEING. Sometimes… I feel myself arching up and growing. I feel like if I had a sprit plant I would be ivy. Stretchin and creeping…reaching and growing…always arching towards the sun, and always striving to hold as much as possible in my grasp.
dammit I want to be come a holder of hearts. a treasurer of sacred spaces and secret dreams. I want to be a repository of dreams.. and a mirror of fantasies. but I have to be able to hold all of mine first…and that is my problem. I’m still not sure what my dreams & wishes are. I feel like I need to strip myself down to the bone.. to the pure basic essence of who & what I am.. and then slowly rebuild myself. *sighs* I…I want to go on a *thinks* I don’t know what it is called… a dream walk and vision quest. I have considered fasting… but *shrugs* I barely eat now so that wouldn’t help much. I KNOW the way to strip down to my totally basic self.. but I can’t afford to go without sleep for any extended period of time right now. *sighs* Ah well….. I’m going to wander off back into the garden of my heart again…and try to prune back my trees a little….

Stay Jazzed