On and On It Seems To Go

*sighs * Suddenly I understand what folx mean when they say nose to the grindstone. A state of total physical & mental uncomfort, combined with the fact that you can't SEE anything other than that damn grindstone. * sighs * anyhow... it is finals week in the wonderful world of my education...and they are biting my ass and biting it well. But I will survive.

And I am buoyed up by the fact that I spent an absolutely lovely weekend with Tashi. Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon was spent with her... and it was so relaxing. *thinks * being with her for such a long period... and JUST with her has reaffirmed almost all of my reasons that I love being with her... and with a woman in general. We spent most of the weekend chillin... two days in fact we spent in the house, reading & cleaning & rearranging the house & watching movies. :) It was an extended chill/rest period. *thinks * and why you may be asking was it so different from being with a man? because... hmmm perhaps it is just my limited period of time spent with men.. or the horndogs that I tend to run across... but I cannot see having spent that much time with someone male and not have to fend off any type of unwanted sexual advances. :) anytime she advanced we advanced more or less together. Hmm... it was so relaxing.. so not stressful.

No power games, no underhandedness...no personality issues. Just me & Tashi being Tashi and me. nothing more was required or needed. :) Such joy.... when I left Sunday (much to my dismay) I found that I realllly really did not want to leave. I mean it was like... doom and gloom and silence the whole way back. We got spoiled in the pleasure of each other. And then.. she sent me a letter talking about the weekend and how we don't talk about what we 'are' while we are together.. we just kinda.. 'are' :) I still haven't fully decided what my reply will be... but I know that I consider her to be my girlfriend.. my Girlfriend and I kinda hope she feels the same way.
Okay ... moving on.....SO then.. as an abrupt change form the peaceful state of affairs that I enjoyed over the weekend I came 'home' to madness and disarray. I think I am really starting to hate school in all of its forms and ramifications. * sighs* annnyyyhoow.... So I spent the night over one of my friends houses (a guy.. JEH) and alllllll freaking night I was trying to avoid his roaming hands. There is nothing worse than trying to sleep.... wanting to sleep... and getting awoken every few hours by a hand creeping up your shirt. *sighs * it was such a breaker in my whole state of peace.

It is sad.. because he is trying to get a girlfriend (kinda sorta) and I have one.... so I guess I will have to sit him down and have the talk with him.... cuz I am not sleeping with any men anytime soon. Anybody... *thinks * it is odd, because I have always had a fire for men.. and sometimes I still do... but it just doesn't heat up enough to let me actually DO the DO with them. And it is sad.... because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.... I mean I have straight friends who know I am bi.. but they are mostly guys..and they simply wouldn't understand. The straight female friend that I Have who knows *rolls eyes * she is sooo damn busy she doesn't really have time to sit and shoot the breeze. (Med. school does that to ya) So I find myself pouring out everything here... and just feeling better by having gotten it off of my chest.

Hmmm I don't know... she asked me where are we going to go... and I honestly can't tell her. I love her.. I know that much.. in love with her? I don't know.. this seems to be too peaceful to be that... and I don't know if I am ready to be there for her in that way.... cuz to me saying that you are IN love with somebody is a major step.. and you have to take emotional responsibility for whatever may come of that. I ain't ready for that responsibility right now.... and god knows when I will be. *laughs * I am noticing that my life has begun to circle around her and school..and that is cool... :)

anyhooooww... I got almost 200 pictures developed last week and I have been going through them trying to sort out which ones are worthwhile and which are just too trashy for words, :) it is funny the ones that I wasn't really TRYING to come up with a statement (or the abstracts) are the ones I like the best.. I need to get a new lens at some point. A serious telephoto zoom so that I can focus in on what I want to take a picture of and eliminate all of the other hogwash,. OR maybe I will just invest in a good PhotoShop program and start getting my pictures put on disk. Anyhow.... I plan on submitting something(s) to Focus... which is the school's literary journal.. pictures and prose/ poems just to see how much of it gets accepted and what it looks like in print. I mean hell that can go on my resume right???
Okay.. it is about time for me to get up and actually do some work.. so I will return.. later.... to 'talk' more...

Stay Jazzed.

As if it wasn't Already Bad Enough...

.....now I have to deal with resisting the tempation to go surfing randomly through the OD. This place is getting more and more addicting with every update!!!!
I'm not complaining or anything but.. *sssiiggghhh* I am on a diet already... my willpower is spread thin! :)

Stay Jazzed.

Thankfulness

Hmmm I am really liking this Theme thing.. : ) sometimes you need a quick jolt in the pants to get you going….thankfulness. *sighs * I have so many things I am thankful for I don’t even know how to begin. So…. I think I will do it the way the kids used to do it in grade school…. Alphabetically.

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I’m Thankful for
Anger
Ambition
Bliss
Bills
Belief
Clouds
Care
Chris
Computer Science
Devotion
Energy
Fruit
FRIENDS
Grace
Hope
Health
Happiness
Hearing
Intelligence
INTERNET
Joy
Jasmine
Jazziness
Kindness
Love
Lavender
Lace
Money
Men
me
music
Nyota ; )
OPENDIARY
Oatmeal
Peace
Passion
Power
Quiet
Rest
Relaxation
Redemption
Sleep
Sauna
Sex….
Trust
Truth
Uniqueness
Unity
Valor
Vanity
Water
Women
Wisdom
Xenophilla
ZAMI!

*wipes sweat from forehead * whooo…that was harder than I expected… and yet there are so many thinks I have left off of there it is sad…. I wish I could find this email one of my friends read to me…. Speaking of all of the things that she was thankful for, in a odd kinda way. Like….
I am thankful for a high gas bill…..because it means I am warm
I am thankful for my alarm clock….because I am alive to see a new day
I am thankful for those who hate…because they remind me to treasure love
I am thankful for seeing despair….because it means I can see
I am thankful for hearing curses….because it means I can hear….

But you get the idea… the email turned everything into a blessing… somehow or another. *sighs* What else have I left off of the list fellow OD’ers? What else can I add…what else are you thankful for??

Stay Jazzed….

Love Bonds

It seems like everyone has been raving over the new OD look… : ) I like it… I like it a lot, but somehow I don’t wanna talk about that right now. I have a whole nother range of things that I want to talk about right now..dealing with love and friends and the bonds that you never knew you had until you forget they are there.
I have friends and acquaintances scattered across America… and I have connection to them al… whether it may be a rare hello or a piece of email..somehow they or I reach out to touch the other. And I treasure those connections, and those that are platonic I treasure even more. Mainly because so much of my life has been wrapped up in sex and it’s associated lack of thought that when I find a connection that is free of sex yet still strong….that is something unspeakably precious to me. Today.. I was fighting to preserve to friendships that have grown on me. One a straight male… one a gay female. *nods * ummhmmm they are both trying to bring something extra into it that I am not interested in…nor am I ready for. : ) My relationship quota has been utterly filled… and I don’t even want to think of someone else… in any way, shape or form. : ) Any way…. then I was talking to Little one ( yeah it has been a while since his name came up hasn’t it) and I realized that there is a level of comfort ther again… that fora while I was afriand we would never have. * sighs * I have truly missed him…and I am simply overjoyed to have the little piece of him that I have now back in my life. It is the little things that make life worth living…

As I was walking home tonight… I passed thourgh a dark spot.. no street lights, no headlights.. just the pebbled pattern of the road and the silver blue light of the full moon. There was nothing but me & the moon and the sky and a few brave stars that shone through the smog. I stood there for a while and let all of my worries go… let all of my fears float away …let my self be retruned to myself and be made whole again. I bathed in the moonlight and the cool air…waiting for some sign that all was well with me. Then a shooting star whipped across the sky.. and for a second I felt like I could fly with it and carry myself to everyone that I have ever loved and will ever love and touch each of them and remind them of our love. Then I returned to me and found that I still had a bit of the sprakle of the star in my eyes, and I had a bit of the lightness of air in my step, and I had the peace of moonlight in my heart.

Stay Jazzed.

Loving U....aint't easy....

Yeah.. I'm at work Again....when else would I be able to write in peace??

I had a most interesting conversation yesterday...about falling in love & being in love. I was talking to one of my friends who is sprung...in love.. head over heels. Her man is her life, her heart , her soul. She has said quite often that she would not want to live without him, and that she is in a constant state of depression because he is in NYC and she is here. Okay...well and good. That is lovely and all for her, but when she tried to say that that is what being in love is all about. And at that point I bust out with... " I think that i am too independent to ever fall in love." * laughs * I nearly had the whole computer lab in chaos, as all these women tried to tell me that falling in love doesn't mean giving up who you are, it just means a blending of you and somebody else. * sighs * And yeah, I listened to what they had to say, but all of them were talking about how they started doing things what they never thought they would do... and I asked " That isn't a change of who you are?" they said that I would do these things without thinking about..simply because I wanted to...but why would I suddenly want to do something that I never wanted to do before...because I was in love?? * rolls eyes * Somehow.. I think not. And I don't thin they understood what I was trying to say.
What I was trying to say... in my own brief words was: I am unable to give of myself fully...I am unable to let myself go all the way. I analyze everything to see how this affects me . My boundaries of how far I let anyone into my heart have been set in stone, and it will take a lot more than love to break them down. I have fought too long and too hard to be my OWN woman to suddenly turn into a creation of someone else's love. And sometimes I regret that...a lot of times. Sometimes I wish that I I couldn't be so coldly analytical, and that I could let emotions run me for more than a few days. But I can't... or at least at this point in my life I won't. Why? *shrugs * I got burnt rather badly as a child... * laughs * Yeah.. I'm blaming this one on my 'parents' cuz going through 3 divorces between the same two people doesn't inspire precisely the greatest faith & trust in love. Going to shelters and cars and other folx houses cuz love led you there...doesn't quite inspire the security and comfort that I want in my life...so I opt out of that whole falling IN love shyt. I love... *nods * oh yes I love totally and fully and with my all. But I love as *thinks * as a part of me that is extended. My love is not so tightly wound around who I am that it can't be released without taking parts of me with it. I love as part of a feeling that I have FOR a certain person...but if that person was gone... I would not be destroyed within myself.
I guess that is why I tend to treat my friends and my lovers so much the same. I am not willing to give anyone a higher status.. because that means I would have to do more than just love this person.. I would have to let that person inside of me...let them roam around the solitude that I call my heart..but I want to keep those rooms all to myself... letting no one else in...I need a place to retreat to that I can always call all mine own... created by me for me...and I let my heart be that place.
So...yeah... I think I am too independent to fall in love. It requires a amount of change and rapture that I am not warm enough to see. *laughs * as my girlfriend says... 'caught up in the rapture' I *sighs * I ain't strong enough to endure the pain of falling OUT of love... so I never let my self go to fall In in the first place. *sighs * Maybe if I just once saw a happy love affair... that lasted till death did them part... that STARTED and ENDED with them still IN love..and not having gone to them just 'lovin' each other.. I might have a little more faith. But until the fairy tales start to come true... I will stick to loving those who deserve my love...and not fallin...for nothing.

Stay Jazzed.

The Rise and Fall of Humankind

Things that rub me the wrong way:

Black people who denigrate their own people, assuming that everyone who is black is inferior and can never do anything right.

Men who assume that lesbians hate men.

Women who play the helpless and dumb role in order to attract men

Any human that treats children as idiots. You were a child too once upon a time.

Men or women who brag about the number of sex partners they have had, and have no shame about enumerating their children’s various mothers & fathers.

Men (boys) who act as though the burden of procreation is not on them but on the woman.

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Yeah, okay... I was doing a bit of ranting... but I had a long ride home last night, and I was hearing things that...I didn't need nor want to hear. I swear, sometimes I simplt get so sick & tired of HUMANS in general that I don't know what to do with myself. *sighs* I don't know...somedays it seems like intelligence is being sucked out of people at an exponential rate, and that most folx are already too damn stupid to care. *sighs* There are times when I wonder what use there is to.... to caring about others. And by that I mean the 'world' in general. Some things are so patently obvious that it seems like either there is someting seriously lacking in that person as a whole, or I am simply not comprehending where they are coming from. For my own sanity, and for the continuance of the littel bit of hope I have for the human race, I assume that I simply just DON'T get it. And then.. there are the things that people do...thinking that is it utterly cool & right & wonderful...and never seem to comprehend the utter chaos it will throw thier life into. *sighs* I don't know. I thrive on simplicity... rolling with the punches... delicately bending life to do what I want it to do... *sighs* and chaos...I just don't work well with. ah well. I am making myself tired....so...

Stay Jazzed.

Survey I

There was anotgher survey I was going to do... but I didn't feel like talking about all the sex right now...I got this one from Gattaca.

1. Do you believe in God? hmm... I grew up Muslim...and when I was young yeah. Now... not really... I believe that something created everything...but I don't believe that that 'something' is looking over mankind and moving them around like chess pieces. I believe in a creator...a higher being... that has no more interest in us than we have in microbes.
2. If Yes, Do you feel his presence in your life? The answer wasn't yes...so no.
3. Are you content with life? Currently? No. there is SO much more that I want to do and my hands feel tied because of my lack of cash & time & experience.
4. What makes you angry? ignorance. blindness & narrowmindedness. slowness.
5. How do you get on with your parents? I love my mommy and my mommy loves me. My dad left when I was 2...I met him when I was 19 and we don't really talk.
6. Have you done anything in your life that you truly regret? *thinks * no....not yet.
7. Describe your best/worst personality traits.Best: I love easily and wholeheartedly. I am forgiving.
Worst: I don't trust easily. I have very little patience.
8. How much sleep do you need a night? on a good night? 8... on a bad night? 2
9. Are you a vegetarian or vegan? Neither... and this diet I am on has turned me into a rabid meat eater.
10. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? I drink. rarely.
11. What do you like/dislike most about your body? Like: My hair...my eyes...my lips...my breasts...
Dislike: I'm too fat..my butt...my belly... my thighs... my upper arms.
12. Are you single? Yes I am..no I am not. hell I don't know... I think I am not single... but how can you be not single with someone who is not single? .
13. Why have your past relationships ended? I got tired of them...and I wasn't ready to give all the love devotion and attention they needed,
14. What qualities do you look for when developing friendships ? hmmm that is hard...because I tend to fall into friendships. I have never LOOKED for friends per se... either you become one...or you don't....
15. If you could swap minds and bodies with a member of the opposite sex for a day would you do it? No...simply no.
16. Have you suffered abuse as a child? (Physical, Emotional or Sexual) Yes. Emotional abuse. I have grown out of most of it...but some of it still comes back and bites me on the ass.
17. Are you able to cry alone and with close friends? Yes.. in a heartbeat. * laughs* when I am around real friends I can cry as easy as I laugh.
18. Describe your favourite places in nature. The ocean. at night.
19. Do you suffer from any allergies? * nods * peaches & pork skins.
20. What are you addicted to in life? Books.
21. Are you introverted or extroverted? Extroverted. in most situations. I have noticed that there are fewer and fewer places where I am introverted....
22. How many times have you been in love? Truly? never....
23. Do you chew your fingernails when stressed? No... I chew my inner lip.
24. How many really close friends do you have? * thinks * Nee, Chris, Tashi, JJ, James, hmmmm I have others...but I am not sure that they would be considered close.
25. Ever tried to commit suicide? No. thought about it...thought about helping other people commit suicide....

Ramblin Ramblin Ramblin...

It is ridiculous that the only time I can write and not feel guilty about taking the time from something else is while I am at work. * shrugs * I guess that means I will have to write little bits through the week and then just post them at work.
I really don't have anything to talk about...but it seems like I have gone to long without writing..about anything. I haven't written any poetry in forever it seems...and as for stories or anything longer??? FORGET it.... I guess the reason that is to the forefront of my mind is because the call for submissions to my schools literary journal has gone out recently... and I think that I want to submit a picture & a poem...but I can't think of anything.... Tashi has 12 rolls of film of mine that she is supposed to be dropping off to get developed for me... and maybe I will find something in there.
hmmmmmm what else? Tashi's life is getting tragic & dramatic.... her husband is talking about leaving...and to all intents and purposes she is holding the door open for him to walk out of... * sighs * annnnyyywaayy....that should make life more interesting.. * shrugs * I don't know... it seems like she is becoming more and more gay... * laughs * which is kinda ironic because I have been feeling the same way...and it isn't because I have a lack of male companionship.. it is just the simple fact that men don't spark my candle as much....as womyn do...and it's not JUST Tashi either.... it is womyn in general...*smiles * I don't know... it would be fascinating (to me) if my bisexuality morphs into lesbianism...but then it may be the fact that I am simply too tired to really get hot for anybody too much... * smiles * half the time..when I get in bed I wanna go to SLEEP..... not get playful with any body....
and then there is this,.. I won't even call him a friend... more like an old fuck-buddy that is just itchin to get with me again....especially since I got my tongue pierced.... I am trying to think up some way to tell him that a snowball staying hard in hell has a better chance than him getting hard in me does..... : ) anyyhoow... where was I? oh yeah.. beds & heat & stuff.....oh yeah!! that is where I was going.... I read an entry to day of Gattaca's where he was talking about what he considers to be companionship.... what he thinks really matters to him. And it got me thinking.... what do I consider to be most important to a friend? in a friend? I am not sure....but it must be some kinda rare thing because I have so few REAL friends....yeah.. I have folx I am cool with... I have folx who know me a little.... but REAL FRIENDS? not many... and I think that only in real friends can you find real companionship...
Well I have a few surveys to complete... so I will wander off and do that now..* sighs * life is soooooo boring sometimes....

Stay Jazzed.

A day in the life of ......

When my love life gets wild...or when the rest of my life gets wild and my love life is the only thing that seems to be a safe haven...pieces of this poem by Queen Poet Nikki Giovanni drifts through my head:
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP
not the late night entamglings of you and me
not the early mornings kisses
not the lovewe share
but the intrustion of life into our love

Or something like that.. you get the general drift I am sure....And that is how I am feeling... *sighs* whoo it is so amazing to want to go forward with something and be unable to because it is simply unfeasible... stupid and emotionally dangerous. I mean...she's married. Argh. and yet all I wanna do is spend time with her...without him. *shakes head* the longer I am around her... the less men in general are a viable sexual choice to me.. yet at the same time I want a happy little family with the 3 or 4 kids and the house and all that...but will I be sharing it with a she or a he? This woman .... I'mma call her Tashi (not her real name...) is changing me ya'll...I tend to be slow in the starting of love and fasst in the ending of it...like a candle is a high wind...but somehow I feel like I am in a gentle brezze.. there is always the chance... but it is never fufilled. *sighs* Anyhoow.... I keep saying that I will write more... but these mad people who call themselves teachers at my school have severe emotional difficulties that make them do devious things to us. And when I am stressed...although I may not look it or act like it..I can write no more than I can make love...I become demonically focused... and very very touchy. *sighs* but when one teacher does something lovely...my entire life view changes....no one should have THAT much control over you....*shrugs* it sucks... but I can't imagine doing anything else.

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I have been taking pictures like cameras are going to vanish in 2000. I have 12 rolls of film that need to be developed...:) Tashi said that she would take then in to this discount place and get them done for me...*smiles* such a wonderful lady....but I haven't taken any pictures of her yet...I don;t know why...most likely I have never had my camera with me.. and I don't know how I Would take pictures...somehow my mental image of her is not what hse rally looks like which is odd.. I see pictures of her and I am like who IS that woman...and then I realize.. oh...hmmm I guess her aura doesn't translate well on film. What else? I have been taking pictures of all of the open sorority functions weh ave had...I took like 4 rolls over the summer of kids in the park... :) picture so f friends... pictures during the parade.. I figure the more I take. the better my eye will get and the more likely I will be to have som really GOOD pictures... *smiles*

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Diet Update: Well I am just past the two week induction phase, and I am supposed to start upping my carbs back up... but since I have ALOT of wieght to lose (close to 60 pounds) I am going to stick to induction for a while longer to insure that I stay in ketosis. *sighs* I need to go grocercy shopping and buy some ketosis sticks so I can keep track. I have lost 9 pounds so far... ( as of Saturday), butI don;t feel any different. :) I can't wait to lose enough that I can tell that I am smaller...it is odd the things that finally force you to decide oh NO..it stops here... for me it was the fact that for about 3 weeks I was falling almost everyday...I was unblanced and heavy on my feet. and I was falling HARD... it was starting to really scare me..and then the fact that I was having ahard time walking up hills and breathing right. *shake head* I was scared for my health and my bones...and at that point I decided no more...for me & for my body & for my health I have GOT to lose weight. And I will....while eating and exercising. *smiles* and since I can s till eat...most foods... it will be no discomfort to continue on this. I just have to be super aware of what is in food...like a diabetic would be..which is cool...because my problem was always in limiting how MUCH I could eat... but because of my upbringing...it has always been almost second nature to limit what I COULD eat. So... I am on this diet.. and *smiles* Hopefully my mom will notcie the poundage loss...if SHE notices... then I know am I really losing.. :) she notices any change in me.

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Okay.. enough babbling.... I wanna thank all the folx who have been coming thorugh and leaving encouraging words in my notes...*smiles & hugs all a round*

Stay Jazzed.

Unmasking the Night

I have alot on my heart and mind right now, and I am not sure exactly how I want to deal with it..if at all. T convinced me (not a hard thing to do) to come and sty the night over her house on Saturday. I agreed, and had a pretty good time. Didn't get there until late, but still a good time was had by all.
I woke up Sunday to the sounds of an arguement. Her and T were having it out...*sighs* and at that moment I wished thst I had a car so that I could just get up, get dressed and leave. I did not like being the neutral party to both sides in my parent's rocky marraige/divorce..and I am not liking it now. Of course, my sympathies lie with Tfemale *shrugs* where else could they go, but I am scared of what might happen between us if they DO break up. I know I am not ready to be anybody's one & only. and I don't think that I would be anywhere near ready or willing to do that for her.. Love not with standing. Later hse came in and told me that the arguement was not about me, but I mean really... *sighs* I don't want to be anywhere near coming between a couple. I never wanted it to be...and even if it is the fact of her being bisexual, and not the fact of her being with me... STILL...I currently represent her bisexuality. *sighs* I don't know. I wish I was blinder to the facts... I wish I wasn't so damn observant, I wish I could pretend that all is well. But it isn't...so I am flowing and going along the best I can. She told me (in a sideways kinda way) that she has a diary on here, and I have decided not to even consider looking for it. We all deserve some little amount of privacy.. to hash out the issues that come up in our lives.

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Anyway....other than the minor amount of chaos in my lovelife...everything else seems to be going well. School is still kicking my rump, but I kick back every chance I can...and I think that I will end up on top. A little more than a month to finals... and I have a strong B average going on...this might be a good year.
I am on this diet, called the Atkins Diet, (low carb) and have been on it for roughly a week and a few days, and I have already lost 9 pounds. :) It is hard to stick to, but since both me & T are on the diet, that support makes it easier. I am eating more meat than I ever wanted to, and will have to find SOMETHING to keep me ummmm regular.... but I am thrilled by the fact that for the frist time a diet is WORKING for me, and thatI may actually be able to reach my goals without pulling my hair out.
Hmmm.. unmasking the night....last night WAS Halloween ( how odd that it fell on a Sunday) and I wrote a little something in the day's (and night's) honor.

I hide behind the mask
that holds my heart in check
I hide behind the spectacle
that lets my mind protect
I hide behind the words
that fall away with fear
I unmask the night
and run away from here

The night holds all the terrors
of a life too sharply led
the night holds the fears
that follow me to bed
the night takes me to task
for all I think I lack
the night hovers
in silence
breathing down my back
I unmask the night
And face all my fears
I unmask the night
and make my stand here.