Blagh, Blue, Money

*shrugs* Confessions are odd. I haven’t written this and I don’t know why. I just don’t want to. When I wrote it (while I was at home) I was half sick and missing Chef and just in a perfect way to spill it all. It’s rather sad when you can’t spill your guts to yourself. Anyhow…I’m still not writing it.

I realized that I tend not to talk much. I’m not much of a chatterer… mainly because I don’t like talking sometimes. I wish I could go around for a whole day and not say a word. LittleOne did that once and I thought it was the oddest thing. Hm. I can’t WAIT for theweather to warm up. Spring smells so good and clean.
Ugh. I have been having the most horrible horrible mood swings lately. I will be totally happy and glowing with joy one hour… and the next I will feel so down and tired and sad I just wanna cry. It’s really bad. I know part of it is because I’m scared that something is wrong with me…wrong with my inner parts. I’m…edgy I guess would be the best word. And then I read stuff online ( I need to stop that) and it matches some of my symptoms and I am just scared of totally…*sighs* I don’t know. And then I’m totally freaked by the fact that what if something is really permanently wrong with me, and I threw away what might have been my only chance to have a child? *sighs* Oh god I would be no more good if that turned out to be the case. I don’t know why I have this… belief kinda that not talking about things will make them go away or that talking about them somehow binds them into existence. *sighs* I’m going to lunch (though I’m not very hungry.. and haven’t been for a while) and just stop it.

I have stinky toes. I sitting here rubbing my sore feet and working on my year goals (for work... I need to make some for my life too) and I have funky toes. Not bad ‘yeech what crawled in your shoe and died funky’, but more an ‘ohh that is a hot (yet clean) foot’ funky. *sighs* It’s a not too good but not really bad smell. I had to share.

I think that today I will finish reading all of Scarlet Ibis’s diary. : ) I read her last 30 entries first, so as I was reading through I KNEW just around when she was gonna get pregnant and it was so exciting to build up to it. It’s like I snuck and read the end of the book before the beginning. Hm. Break time.

I don’t know what it is.. I wake up all cheerful and then it’s just down hill from there. Right now all I want to do is go home, curl up in my bed…and just lay there. I don’t even want to read. How scary is that?

I tried to get a bartending job at the new hotel that is opening up downtown. By the time I went in for the interview, all the bartending positions were filled, but the guy offered me a position as a server. He said that it is one way to be able to ‘jump’ into a bartending spot. I was hoping to hear from the other downtown place, but as I haven’t yet…I emailed him and told him that I am still interested in the job, and that I needed to know a few things before I accepted for sure. *sighs* I have realized that I NEED another job if I want to get a car and stay in my lovey apartment, and continue paying off my bills the way I have been. Ughha. Well.. on a happy money note. I am going to get a living room set and a TV and a entertainment center with my money from the bonus and my income tax refund. I am going to go to HR Block and try to get one of those super fast loans… that way I might be able to get the stuff (or at least order it) this weekend, and if not this weekend, definitely next weekend.


Stay Jazzed.