Logic & Emotion

I just finished having an - almost hour long conversation with several of my coworkers about doulas, childbirth, and their personal experiences of labor. It was - wonderful, and enlightening, and hopefully a learning experience (plus some GREAT free advertisement). It started with me bringing in my birth ball for my boss to sit on since her back hurt - and of course, everyone wanted to know what the hell was up with the big red ball in her cube (then mine, as the dang thing wasn't full enough to stay taunt in this cold ass office - but at least she liked it, and plans on getting one of her own). Anyhow - I talked to them, and they shared their experiences - and I gradually got the feeling of - *thinks*  sincerity. Not from them, but from myself. I'm a very left brained/right brained person. I - have feelings - but I tend to not trust them unless they are backed up solidly by my logic. And my feelings - as ya'll ALL know - say that I will be a wonderful doula/midwife - but the logic stands back and shakes it head and says that is an unproven supposition - so I don't feel quite - legit. If my OWN self isn't certain of my skills/abilities/talents - how the bright hell is anything or anyone ELSE going to be certain of it?

And I realize - I'm - shortchanging myself. I SHOULD have more trust in my feelings - in my gut - in that 'women's intuition' thing - that I KNOW I have - but that I don't trust. And yeah, it's been wrong a couple of times - but I need to remember that EACH time I was wrong - it was other people disappointing me, never ME disappointing myself. I can't control how other people act/react - even when I think that I know them well enough to be able to predict it - I can only control and be certain about how I will act/react to those situations. I need to have more trust in myself. Period.

*smiles* But - I'm - happy. *laughs* The website is halfway done (and yes, you guys will be the FIRST ones to get a link once it's complete) and I've already gotten the business cards designed. My next bit of work is going to be creating the brochures - and getting my name out there. Am I nervous?? Ohhhh yes - very.  Am I excited? Oh yes. Do I think I can do it? Definitely. But do I KNOW I can - no. And that, right there is the root of it. I need to be able to trust myself to say that me thinking I can, means that I can. I'm smart, and I'm stubborn, and I'm very, very, very persistant. I jsut need to stop doubting/shortchanging/repressing my own damn skills/lights/abilities.

It shouldn't be THAT hard, right?