Holy Shit.

So, I decided to root around online, and see what the side effects of the Nuvaring are.....then I somehow stumbled onto Aprhodite Women's Health website....and started reading the forums, and I'm sitting here feeling like I could cry.
There are HUNDREDs of women on here, complaining about the same story. Took birth control pills for 5-7 years, starting as a young teenager. Suddenly, around 23-25 they hit severe issues where they basically went crazy - depression, irritability, fatigue, non-existant libido, and found that 1) going off the pill helped, and 2) any return to hormonal birth control started the insanity up again.
That is almost exactly my story. I started on BCP when I was 15 (didn't lose my virginity til I was 17, but a paranoid mother will do that to you) took it for *thinks* 5 years straight, then went on and off it for the next 2 year. *thinks* Ya know, I think my 'wild years' where after I went off it the FIRST time. Holy Shit. Then, I moved to Indy, and got back on the pill - which I was on for about six monthes before the Meltdown occured, and I quit. I so didn't feel like ME so I went to the IUD, and still - for years - I haven't felt like that 22 year old me that I was.  I couldn't DO it anymore - I felt - crazy. Literally. I don't even know if I can explain it -I mean, I know how wobbly I get during PMS - and even that last bit (the one I wrote the *twitches* entry about) was a hell of a lot more severe (and long lasting) than usual. I couldn't even laugh my way through it and shrug it off like I usually do, or spend a little quality time with myself to get through it and to reassure myself.

I can't do it again ya'll. I can't. For the last few days, EVERYTHING has made me want to cry or scream. I've taken THREE pregnancy tests over the last two weeks, because I knew that something was seriously off kilter with me - all negative. I've been about as close to depressed as I can get - I don't want to eat, I'm CONSTANTLY exhausted - but can't fall asleep until midnight - 2am, I really, really, really, don't like people, and I want to be utterly alone. I can barely focus enough to read, it takes me HOURS to write anything (even work emails.....oh my god! I have had to rewrite each one that I've sent last week three or four times) and I really just want to curl into a drunken stupor and stare at a wall all day. I'm pratically in tears now, and this just ISN'T RIGHT. I don't have the highest libido as it is, but now - I don't want to be TOUCHED - I don't even want to touch MYSELF. And even if I try to touch myself (possibly TMI for ya'll squeamish types) the orgasm was - weak. Okay, weak isn't even really the right word - it was as close to a dying gasp as an orgasm can get and still exist. THAT really freaked me out.
And we aren't going to talk about the - not really sucidal thoughts - more like exceeding morbid ruminations on my own death -  but every day when I drive to work, I'm EXPECTING to be involved in a major crash. It's kinda like EXPECTING to see a Fed-Ex plane flying overheard - and that creeps me out.

We aren't even going to TALK about the screaming headaches I've been having - those have been a main factor of me wanting to curl up in a corner and cry. Ya know, despite still being waist deep in debt, I'd rather be PREGNANT than go through this shit again. And this is only the first month!! Maybe I should give it time to adjust - give myself time to adjust? But - I honestly don't think it's going to get any better - in fact, I think it will just get worse. *sigh*  Based on the LAST time I was on hormonal BC - in Indy - the first three months were - mild. I was - off, but I was able to fake my way through it. Months 4-6 on the other hand - sucked, to put it plainly. And it was around month seven when the Meltdown occured....*shakes head*  My marriage would be SEVERELY strained by that right now.

*holds head in hands*  I haven't filled the prescription for the six months supply yet, and I don't think that I will. I'm scared to. I'm - really not happy right now, and I've got utterly NO reason to be not happy. None.  My brain - it isn't right ya'll. And to be fully and consiously aware of that fact is actually scarier than - not being aware. I KNOW I'm off.

So what are my options? I can't get another IUD, as it's not worth it for another year or so. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate condoms (besides the fact that I get yeast infections almost instantly from using them). I suppose I could do a diaphram - but I'm allergic to spermicide. Maybe the sponge, since it's back on the market? I wonder if I would be allergic to that too?

I've never even CONSIDERED that the Pill might have - warped my hormonal development. Shit, at 15 I had only been a 'mature' woman for two years - my body hadn't even settled into it's own natural cycles, much LESS stabilized enough for me to inflict artifical hormones on them. Shit, shit, shit.

*closes eyes and sighs*

Today Sponge, isn't it?

Edit: Today has Nonoxyl9 in it - which is of course, what I'm allergic to. *sigh* Anyhow - after reading about ALL these other womens almost identical symptoms, and having pulled the ring out (on time on Tuesday) and having written it all out - I feel SO much better. I think it's just - the confirmation that yes, I WAS reacting to the ultra,super,slow-release, low levels of hormones - and that I don't HAVE to suffer. I'm still tired as hell, but at least I'm not arguing with myself anymore. *smile* Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!