Firsts....

For the first time, I bawled like a baby over not yet being pregnant. I've teared up a couple of times, I've gone into funks, but this - this made me cry.

For senior, abortion a medium for art, political discourse

Martine Powers

Staff Reporter
Published Thursday, April 17, 2008

Art major Aliza Shvarts '08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself "as often as possible" while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body. But her project has already provoked more than just debate, inciting, for instance, outcry at a forum for fellow senior art majors held last week. And when told about Shvarts' project, students on both ends of the abortion debate have expressed shock . saying the project does everything from violate moral code to trivialize abortion.

But Shvarts insists her concept was not designed for "shock value."

"I hope it inspires some sort of discourse," Shvarts said. "Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it's not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone."

The "fabricators," or donors, of the sperm were not paid for their services, but Shvarts required them to periodically take tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She said she was not concerned about any medical effects the forced miscarriages may have had on her body. The abortifacient drugs she took were legal and herbal, she said, and she did not feel the need to consult a doctor about her repeated miscarriages.

Shvarts declined to specify the number of sperm donors she used, as well as the number of times she inseminated herself.

Art major Juan Castillo '08 said that although he was intrigued by the creativity and beauty of her senior project, not everyone was as thrilled as he was by the concept and the means by which she attained the result.

"I really loved the idea of this project, but a lot other people didn't," Castillo said. "I think that most people were very resistant to thinking about what the project was really about. [The senior-art-project forum] stopped being a conversation on the work itself."

Although Shvarts said she does not remember the class being quite as hostile as Castillo described, she said she believes it is the nature of her piece to "provoke inquiry."

"I believe strongly that art should be a medium for politics and ideologies, not just a commodity," Shvarts said. "I think that I'm creating a project that lives up to the standard of what art is supposed to be."

The display of Schvarts' project will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery of Green Hall. Schvarts will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting around this cube; lined between layers of the sheeting will be the blood from Schvarts' self-induced miscarriages mixed with Vaseline in order to prevent the blood from drying and to extend the blood throughout the plastic sheeting.

Schvarts will then project recorded videos onto the four sides of the cube. These videos, captured on a VHS camcorder, will show her experiencing miscarriages in her bathrooom tub, she said. Similar videos will be projected onto the walls of the room.

School of Art lecturer Pia Lindman, Schvarts' senior-project advisor, could not be reached for comment Wednesday night.

Few people outside of Yale's undergraduate art department have heard about Shvarts' exhibition. Members of two campus abortion-activist groups . Choose Life at Yale, a pro-life group, and the Reproductive Rights Action League of Yale, a pro-choice group . said they were not previously aware of Schvarts' project.

Alice Buttrick '10, an officer of RALY, said the group was in no way involved with the art exhibition and had no official opinion on the matter.

Sara Rahman '09 said, in her opinion, Shvarts is abusing her constitutional right to do what she chooses with her body.

"[Shvarts' exhibit] turns what is a serious decision for women into an absurdism," Rahman said. "It discounts the gravity of the situation that is abortion."

CLAY member Jonathan Serrato '09 said he does not think CLAY has an official response to Schvarts' exhibition. But personally, Serrato said he found the concept of the senior art project "surprising" and unethical.

"I feel that she's manipulating life for the benefit of her art, and I definitely don't support it," Serrato said. "I think it's morally wrong."

Shvarts emphasized that she is not ashamed of her exhibition, and she has become increasingly comfortable discussing her miscarriage experiences with her peers.

"It was a private and personal endeavor, but also a transparent one for the most part," Shvarts said. "This isn't something I've been hiding."

The official reception for the Undergraduate Senior Art Show will be from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on April 25. The exhibition will be on public display from April 22 to May 1. The art exhibition is set to premiere alongside the projects of other art seniors this Tuesday, April 22 at the gallery of Holcombe T. Green Jr. Hall on Chapel Street.

The first thought in my head? That BITCH! She gets pregnant - multiple times, no less! - solely to have an ABORTION for the sake of fucking ART?!? ART? Where is the art, in that?

Art: a: the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also : works so produced

I suppose, if one was being strictly dictionary, she did use her creative imagination to produce an aesthetic object, if someone can find beauty in blood and dead children. *tear* I can't. It's just a open bit of sadness, for me, right now. Actually, this would have been horrifying and - seriously psychotic - no matter where I was in my life, but at this point? Right HERE? It's making me cry.

I suppose dead kittens are art, too, somewhere.

The only thing that soothes me, is that - while she did say that she repeatedly inseminated, maybe - just maybe - she really wasn't pregnant. Maybe - just maybe - it's really just menstrual blood, and she wanted to make it more 'interesting' and 'shocking', so she called it a miscarriage.
That's the only thing that's - that's - I don't know. It's the only thing that could possibly make this less horrifying.

From a purely political point of view - I think that she had the right to do what she did. By law, she was well within her rights. As a pro-choice/pro-women's rights individual, I have to set my personal feelings aside, and say - yeah. That's her right - as unsettling as it is, because to say that it's not her right to do it, erodes all of our rights. Do I still think it's psychotic? But of course.
But then, all the 'good' artists are insane, aren't they?

Odd....

This will be my 3rd year going to Daughters, and for some reason this year - I'm totally not into it. I'm not excited, I'm not hyped up like I usually am - I'm - I don't know. I don't know if it's a withdrawal type thing, I don't know if I no longer really feel connected (I don't remember what the last rit I went to was - Imbolc, maybe?) because of my ingrained avoidance of drama and.... I dunno. I'm bleh, about it overall. It's not going to stop me from going - but I don't feel my usual pre-festival high.

Had Realm Class last night - it was just me & MD, which was cool - she told loads of stories - I really like interacting with her. Class was also cut short, because of the severe weather we had blowing through - and because students were so light on the ground.

I've decided to only give myself ONE set of homework every two weeks, instead of two. :) So, this blocks homework will be the letters to myself, my body, and my money.

Speaking of money, C got a job! We are going to act like he doesn't have one though, and funnel all of his checks into paying off the CC's that we've run up. We should be able to knock those out of the water in 5-6 months, easily, and then - well, we'll come to that bridge when we get to it.

I've been thinking about how to look at my job differently, to make it more fun. I doubt that I will ever leap out of bed in the morning, just raring to get here (but I could be wrong), but I do think that I need to do SOMETHING to - heighten my vibrations about this place. I don't know.

One of the things (linked to Realm) that I'm trying to do is that I'm trying to release the - belief/filter that my coworkers don't like me/barely tolerate me/are out to get me. That, I think will be one big - block - for me to overcome in 'assimilating' better.
The other - *sigh* - I don't know. I think that once I stop thinking they hate me, I'll be more comfortable in being a little more aggressive with things.

I just laid out my 'schedule' for this summer, and sheesh!! If I do everything that I would WANT to do, only one weekend in April is booked, every weekend in May is booked, two weekends in June are booked, and a full week is booked in July.

*sigh* I know that I can't/won't/don't want to be running like that. So. I think that I'll limit myself to just local festivals this year. So, no RitFest, no PUF. *sigh* I was sicker than a dog at PUF last year, and RitFest was too fucking hot the year before, so I don't mind sitting those two out. Esp. since PUF is right before Care's baby shower - pffhht!

That'll also help me take fewer days off - I'm not sure how many I have left.

That's better. One weekend in April, two in May, one in June, and vacation in July. *nod* That's MUCH more reasonable.

I think that's about it, for right now. :)

Timing....

is the linchpin on which the universe turns.

I still - still - have not written the letters to myself. I've been caught up in TreasureMapping and trying to plow through my Realm homework - which, if I'm honest with myself, simply will not be done in time for class tomorrow. It deserves more attention than that, and I haven't been able to give it that attention. *sigh* I'm considering playing hooky from class tomorrow, but I won't do that - I'll just admit that it took me much longer than I expected to get into it.

My treasuremap, though, is done. It's funny - perceptions and timing, I mean - as I was cutting, I kept thinking that I didn't have enough - that the tiny collection of scraps and ends of paper in the box would NEVER cover the whole 36 x 36 board - until I really laid them out, and started looking at them, and splitting them up into the various baguas. Once I was all done, I realized that not only did I have enough to cover the whole board, I had MORE than enough, and thus was able to pick and choose exactly which images/words 'sung' to me at that point in time. I didn't even really think as I glued it together - I really haven't 'thought' about the whole process - I just flowed along with it. I'll take a good picture of it once I get home, and add that here.

The DailyOM for today was about letting yourself be carried by the flow of the universe. I poo-poohed LJ for years for going along with that sort of 'flow' stuff, but I think it's because - well, he was focused on the process, and I couldn't grok how letting yourself 'idly' flow would ever get you to where you wanted/needed to be.
But now, I think I get it a little more. It's not about not doing, it's about not being attached to the results of what you do. It's about doing your personal best, and trusting that you making that effort, along with relaxing into the flow of the universe to allow the best results to come from that effort (even if they aren't the results you were actually shooting for). It's a bloody delicate balancing act it is, all tied up with faith and trust, which, yeah, are two of my personal weak points.

It's funny, for the last week or so, there have been a lot of thoughts going through me around money, and finances, and DH's job situation, and etc...... and then, I really pulled myself together, and realized that fretting over it wasn't going to do ANY good, and started actually LOOKING at what I could do (both financially and emotionally) to release that stress. Lo & behold, today DH gets a call for a job offer.
I felt sort of - guilty? unworthy? greedy? for the stuff that I put in my Abundance & Prosperity section - but the more I think about it, the sillier that seems. I mean - it's Treasure! It's - Prosperity! Don't I want to be prosperous? If so, what's the harm in saying - hey! I wanna be prosperous!

I also think - I'm pretty certain - that I will be turning my PC off when I leave work, even if I'm on call. It'll only take me minutes to turn the laptop on once I'm home, it'll stay cool while I'm traveling instead of overheating, and it'll reduce the 'urge/habit' of getting home and plopping my happy ass right back on the computer. There is so MUCH that I have all around me to captivate, entertain, and amuse me - I really should be able to wean myself free of this electronic leash with some ease.
And if I DO want to hop online for something, I'll go and use the desktop..... *nod* The convenience of the laptop is just - far, far too easy to get sucked into.

I've also signed up for another email list - Go Gratitude - which is going to send me 42 days of gratitude filled ideas and expressions. The first thing I'm going to work on is my job. I'm here, today. And this moment is really the only moment I can TRULY influence - so how can I influence myself to rejoice in what I have? I don't know how, just yet, but I'll figure something out.

And, on that note, let me attend to my Realm homework.

Challenges

C and I are going to train for the BRAT (Bike Ride Across Tn) in 2009. *dizzy* I think that we can do it. It gives us a solid 18 months to train for it - and - well.

I think we can do it.

I read this on a forum I'm on - and I thought it was one of the most valuable things I could have read.

First: You need to face the facts - You are not lazy. Lazy doesn't exist. You may be comfortable, you may be afraid, you may be injured, you may be a million things, but you may not be lazy. Lazy is a lame excuse when we're afraid to face the real issue. Face it and deal with it.

Ouch! Youch! Hello!?

So, yeah. Still haven't done my homework. I'm about to work out a training schedule instead.

It's gonna be part Body For Life (for Women), part Couch to 5K, part strentgh training, and part Nourishing Traditions.

Should be interesting.

Slacking

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

Haven't done my first homework yet. Was hoping to work on it some at work - but I wanted to acknowledge that I'm slacking.
I have gotten the boards and some papers for the TM, though. I need to look up the colors for the bagua's.... hrmm, let me do that now.

This list follows the colors clockwise around the grid, concluding with yellow at the center.
Purple for Money and Prosperous Living.
Red for Fame and Reputation.
Pink for Romance and Marriage.
White indicates the area of Children, sometimes called the Creativity side.
Gray, or tan is the Helpful People area.
Black is the Career area.
Blue indicates the Knowledge area.
Green marks the Family area, also called Stability.
Yellow is the Health area, in the center of the board

So - that would relate to the other TM stuff I had as follows....

123
456
789

1-Abundance (Purple)
2-Fame/Reputation (Red)
3-Relationship (Pink)
4-Family (Green)
5-Health (Yellow)
6-Creativity (White)
7-Self knowledge & Skills (Blue)
8-Work (Black)
9-Helpful people & Travel (Gray/Tan)

I actually think I have all of those colors, too, which rocks.

I also got some patterned paper, and some vellum, in case we feel like being extra creative. The boards that I got are the huge (36 x 48) 'bendy' display boards, and the paper is 12 x 12 scrapbooking paper. I plan on cutting my board to make it 36 x 36, and using some of the leftover to 'stabilize' the bendy bit, and then using a single square in each spot - 12 x 3 = 36, so most convenient.

I'm also thinking about what magazine I want to get. We both need to buy a new one on Saturday - C will most likely get a food one, and - I don't know. I'll have to rumamge through the magazine rack and figure something out.
Or - I realized we might get a magazine in the mail on Saturday - which would totally rock. I'm making plans to go out and buy one though, because otherwise, I really won't leave the house.

Also, haven't started working out yet - and I think that I'm going to have to revamp my timing. I think - I don't think I'm going to be able to get up at the crack of dawn to work out. It too easy for me to fall back asleep (granted, I usually AM pretty tired), so I'm thinking of doing it when I come home, instead. Drop my stuff off in the house, change, grab some water, and head back out to the gym. *sigh* Get it out of the way, so to speak......

I really think that would be best, for me. Maybe if I get more energy, I can shift it to an early morning type thing, but for right now - no.

If I do that, though, we are also going to have to shift dinnertime/dinner prep up some - let's say i get home at 6, work out til 7, I guess I could go back in the house, take a shower (7:30) chill for 30 minutes, then start cooking at 8, eat at 9, be in bed by 10:30?

Bah. BAH! Fucking job taking up all the good hours.

Speaking of which, I need to do some work. Mrr.

River

I wrote this in class yesterday, and I wanted to remember it, and hold onto it, and possibly tattoo it on my ass.

The River is infinite - containing all the possibilities of what might be. I cannot reroute or control the river, but I damn sure can paddle my own boat.

I'm sure some one else has said it better. But it makes sense to me.

And another quote I'd like to hold onto...

Getting want I want does NOT equal having money.

Drr, and how obvious is that, but seriously.

I'm considering making myself a charm bracelet to remind me of these sort of things. The river would be a little oar. The money would be..... hrmm - maybe an infinity symbol - because that reminds me of the possibilities that are out there, without tying it to money. I want a simple silver link bracelet, and then I could make the charms out of Fimo........hrrrm. I'll have to think about it.

Change is internal....

and everlasting.

So. 2nd Realm - well, it's been beating me about the head (and heart) lately. Tomorrow is Day 365, and that's been beating up on me a bit, too. Plus, I'm coming to learn that I've been beating up and muzzling myself for years, and dude - that hurts. Plus - I can't stay at this job - baby or no baby, restaurant or no restaurant - doing this unauthentic work is killing me.

So. A couple of things that I plan on doing, and I plan on keeping track here, as well as in my Realm journal for the things that catch my mind when I'm not quite here.

There are three main areas that I want to work on.....

Physical
Financial
Authentic Self

I plan on doing a Treasure Map this year, and I know that I will include all of those things - that's going to be my long term - process. Here is a quick blurb & Q&A about them, written by Tracy Cook - I'm C&P'ing it here, because the website requires a login.

What is a treasure map, exactly?

A treasure map is a collage made of photos, magazines pictures, words, pieces of things that make sense to you...whatever you want and you put them on a foam core board or just cardboard or just something strong that can handle the collage. Put put them all together so you can look at it. It will be a MAP of what you want for the coming year.

What do you mean by, "what do I want for the coming year?"

Exactly what it says. Do you want a new house, a new living room, better health, stronger marriage, reconnect with people, a bigger family, a bigger community? Do you want to write your book? Do you want a new car? What is it you want? Do you even know what you want? If you are like many of us, you are so busy running around, taking care of everyone else that you might not have a fig of an idea what you want for your new year. That is the beauty of this process. You must sit down and figure it out. Give yourself this time to do it. Be just that selfish, and dare to dream.

Why do we do it in the Spring and not January?

Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Aries new moon change from year to year and this year, it will take place on April 5 8:54 pm PDT.
They are made on Aries New moon, because that is the first sign of the Zodiac. Aries is when you plant your seeds. It is the real beginning of the New Year. It should not be confused with the first day of Spring, which is usually on March 19 or March 20. New moon means the sun and moon are in the same degree. For those who don't know much about astrology (which is totally okay) Aries is the sign of SIGHT. That's why it's so important to have pictures of what you want. You need to visualize it. Or if you don't do photos/pictures, use printed words. It is merely important for you to see them.

I'm going to be busy on April 5. Can I start it before the 5th?

NO.

Do I have to buy a bunch of magazines? I'm broke, can I just borrow some old ones?

Personally, when I started my treasure maps I always did them with fresh new magazines. And in the old days, (not married, no children) I spent a lot of dough on them--only because I wanted lots of choices. But with time, I ended up only getting a few magazines. I never borrowed other magazines from friends. However, I know people who did it in previous years and I think they were happy with their results. It's your call.

What if I don't want magazine photos, can I just use my own pictures.. like my husband, my baby etc?

Sure. I usually color Xerox them so that I would not wreck my originals.

You can also paint what you want. Again, it is your call.

Is there any pattern i have to use when i put the photos or the words on my board?

No. You can do it any way you want.

I will say that in previous years my friends and I used to use the feng shui baguas for my pattern. Basically, I would break up the board into 9 areas.

123
456
789

1-Abundance
2-Fame/Reputation
3-Relationship
4-Family
5-Health
6-Creativity
7-Self knowledge (and travel)
8-Work
9-Helpful people and angels.

If you use the feng shui baguas, you will naturally cover all most all areas of your life, as you can see it is all represented there.

How much time do I have to build my map?

Ideally, you should build your map during the new phase of Aries New Moon, which ends Wednesday April 9 2:22am PDT

Do I have to do it alone or can I do it with friends?

You can do it either way. I build mine with my two other friends. We are like sisters and it felt so right to do it with them. We started them together. I know that there are several people who have little parties where they invite those close to them over. It's a lot of fun to do them with others. We would all pass around the magazines: "hey, I found a great beach bungalow does anyone need a beach vacation?" Or, "I have got to lose 10 pounds, any ideas what I should put on my map?" and lo and behold! Someone will come up with a good suggestion.

Do I have to finish it all at one sitting?

No. Often I used to cut my stuff out with my friends. Maybe glue a little thing here or there and then take it home and finish it there over the course of a day or two.

Can my kids do it with me?

Yes! it is great for them to focus and think about what they want. They also might give you their thoughts about what they think you should have in your life. Helps them to think beyond themselves, right?

Does it work?

Yep.

I don't want to sound like a spoilsport, but I’m just not interested in building a collage. Can I do something else?

Sure. You can take a nice piece of orange paper and write something like, "Wishes during Treasure Map Time". My wishes can sometimes feel like prayers and they are much more broad in my desires. But I will say this, I felt like I needed to switch to 'less is more' after several years of mapping. I would encourage newcomers to make the actual maps. But if you really don't feel the call, then just write your desires down. I like orange paper. So vibrant. So Aries.

Is it okay to have things continue over to the next year? Long-term, ongoing stuff that has progressed but needs to continue to progress?

Yes. Of course. But with a small caveat. My sense after doing these for years is that, when something really takes time, and doesn't gel in the first year, there may be something not yet right, or personally constructive, about that desire. It may or may not be something you are aware of. For example, one friend shifted from her map from year one to year two by focusing on less material things. That kind of energy is really constructive. The most important thing for you to do is to always reach your gut and seriously ask yourself what it is you really want. You may find that you need need to shift something about your long-range goals. My sense is that they need a wee bit refining or broadening. Just a thought. But definitely don't give up on your dream.

I'm really excited! Is there anything I can do now before Treasure Map to help my map?

Yes, yes, and yes. I have said this in previous years and I'll remind everyone now. The period just before the Treasure Map is called the Balsamic Phase, which is the end of the moon's phase. This is the phase when we get rid of stuff. Get rid of clutter. Get rid of things that are bugging us. Get rid of ick. Try if you can to clear some space in your life so you can be ready for the treasure map. Remember, Einstein said, "no two things can occupy the same space." Read that sentence several times. Now ask yourself, do I have space in my house, my family, my time, my life in general for more? If the answer is 'no", then start housecleaning!

Clear out the stuff between now and the 5th. Now do you understand why it is important not to start your map before the new time?

By the way, I personally don't buy any of my supplies before the New starts. But I know some of you can't do that, so if you must, buy before. Put it aside and don't touch it until the New. Don't thumb through magazines. Leave it all be.

Good luck and dream big!

Short(er) term, I'm going to be writing letters to my three 'selves' - a Dear Body letter, a Dear Money letter, and a Dear Me letter.

Funny, it just hit me that one of my defining moments was a critique/destruction of a Dear Me letter I wrote when I was 13. I think that Me has been cowering under the chair in hiding ever since. Poor Me.

Anyhow. I want to be able to examine how I interact - and think, really, about each of those things - where I want them to be, and why, and what I am willing (and am NOT willing) to do to get there. I would like to run this in parallel with Second Realm, but a little faster, so I'm going to be giving myself 'homework' at some point, every Thursday.

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

So, that covers the next two Thursdays - I'll figure out my going forward work from there.


I'm also going to be reading The Highly Sensitive Person. After having read just a few of the blurbs on her site, I'm convinced that not only AM I a HSP, I also need to understand how that affects me in order to REALLY move forward on anything in a deep down, major way.

Getting and Being

That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek was a really, really good book. I'm still thinking about little bits and pieces of it, two days later.

One of the things that they talked about was the difference between GETTING angry and BEING angry.

It that, there is nothing wrong with getting angry - anger is an emotion, just as valid and valuable as love. However, being that anger - holding in inside of you and letting it rule your choices and your thoughts - that's the problematic point. They suggested once you are angry, looking past your anger and identifying the actual root emotion. Anger, really, is a shield of some sort - and without looking past the shield, you'll never just be able to get angry, and let it go.

It's really challenging for me, because first I have to identify the feeling that I'm having AS anger. I'm so used to repressing anger (because I'm zen, you see, and things simply roll off of my back), that when I really am angry - I'm either a firey inferno, or I'm crying - or I'm denying what I'm feeling is anger at all.

Poetgirl commented that once the year mark hits, things start to get really hard, emotionally. I was thinking today (as I was putting in my CP/CM notes) that I'm really tired. I want to run away and hide from this, because emotionally, it's stressing me. It's straining me, and it feels all so hopeless, sometimes. I've promised myself that I will not change anything that I'm doing until after the RE appt - then we might have to reconsider things. More for me, than for him, as I don't even know/think it matters, to him.

Speaking of the RE, their receptionist is smart enough to check with the insurance company BEFORE you come in, and she let me know that our visit will be 361.00 out of pocket. Which, is more than we should be spending (I need to figure out which credit card to put that on), but it's the last medical thing that we'll be doing, except for maybe another SA - so I figure it's worth getting the information. He want's Dr. R to send over my scans from the HSG, so I need to call their office and have them do that today, too.

I don't think I'm angry, though. I don't think what I'm feeling is anger. Disappointment? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? See. Maybe there is, just a little anger in there. I don't know. I regularly examine/talk to myself to see if I'm blaming myself for this - don't think that the thought has gone through my mind several times that I might have killed the only child I was ever going to be able to have. The fact that I got pregnant around the same age as my mom, who only had me, despite YEARS of trying for siblings - horrifies me on a regular basis, but I try to not hold onto it. It slides through, and I marvel at the fact that I would be mother to a seven year old, and then it fades away. But, oh, it's always there.

I don't know. I really just want to let the whole thing go, at least for a little while.

And then - C still doesn't have a job. It's going on - almost three months now? He's still looking, hard, and we are still okay- though we are dipping into the savings, and I'm seriously considering majorly dipping into the savings, paying off the IRS and Sears and the Home Depot store card, and - moving on from there.
But then, we are also kicking around the idea of opening a restuarant. We have picked out a location, and we've put together ideas & a menu. Now, we are going to start working on the business plan, and trying to find financing. With the market as it is now, I'm seriously doubting that we'll....... well. Just as I started writing that sentence, I got an alert that my horoscope for today had just hit my inbox.

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 19:
Gather your resources and figure out how best to use them for the upcoming
months or so. It's a great day for making plans -- even for several years from
now! Your good energy is perfect for the task.

*blink* Well. Fine, then. I'll do that. I don't know how 'good' my energy is (ahh, that's another thing - not breaking things up into good/bad, but just seeing them as they are. So, my energy is - focused, I think. My energy is ready for a change, and it's in a very Fuck All Ya'll kinda mood, which means my normal reluctance towards change might not be in such a high gear).......

I'll be vested on Friday.

Work has been - well, it's been a bit better. I had my performance review (no raise for me this year, no suprise there!), and - I think some things were laid on the table. I think there will be some shakeups - and well, change is - change. Hopefully, for the better. I'm busier (minutely, and it's more me making myself feel like it actually MATTERs - attitude shift, one could say), but I realized that I've been, more or less, doing the same damn thing for the last 8 years. I don't know - I think I might be ready for a change. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

But, with the restaurant, my main - inital thoughts for a change (going into consulting) simply wouldn't be an option, as I would need to be at the restaurant after leaving my 'day job'.

And then, there's always in the back of my mind the thought that maybe it's a blessing that we haven't concieved yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe the worlds really about to go all to shit, and we're being spared the stress of caring for a babe. Maybe we are meant to adopt, instead. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is that..... I am. Right now, that's all I'm certain of, and heaven knows, sometimes I wonder if it's all just a dream.

I think my next book will be my birthday gift from my momma, though.

pivots

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I have to do my 5 pivotal people, next.

Ummi, Amin, C, James, and Me.

Amazing, how all my pivotal people somehow deal with love. Mother love, father love, spouse love, general love, and self love.

If I had to sum up - - really - it would be all about love, and fear.

My mother loves me, but she fears for me - it's the way of motherhood - no matter how certain she is of me, she'll always hold a kernal of fear with my name on it in her heart. And she's shared that fear with me - that fear that life will somehow hurt me - it was her first lesson, and it was shared out of love. "Always be aware of your surrounding" - that was her constant litany to me as a child - watch/wait/listen/lurk/protect your back.

Amin loved me, but I ended up constantly fearing him. I feared displeasing him, I feared disappointing him, I feared him uprooting us again, I feared him leaving us - and I feared him coming home. Thinking about him generally leaves me with the unsettled, sweaty palms and pits feeling that I get that equals fear.

C loves me, and I loved him deeper than I've ever dreamed I could ever love someone - and that brings its own forms of fear - he can build me higher than anyone ever could, and he could destroy me in a way no-one else can - and I have made the choice to willingly open my heart, myself, my life to him - all for the unyielding force of love - how terrifying is THAT?

James - ah. So many kinds of love tangled up in him. He taught me to let go of love. He helped me see just the barest glimpse of what a mother's love is actually all about. He taught me to fear promises though, and to fear friendship. He broke my heart, in a way it had never been broken before - and when I repaired it, I included shards of fear - of doubt - of mistrust - things he taught me, and things I needed to know.

And then, there's me. I fear my own brilliance. I fear my own lack of inspiration. I fear my potential because I believe it can overwhelm me and take me to places that I might not mind being, but that I haven't yet chosen to go. And I love me, with a level of acceptance and certainty that I've never accepted or extended to anyone else. It's me & myself, forever from birth to death, and that intimacy - despite it's blind spots and failures - has shown me what unconditional love really is.

*sigh* Well, at least I'm not weepy, anymore.

Shut down, Will Robinson, Shut Down!

I've decided that I'm only marginally going to think about TTC'ing until after the appt. At this point, there's nothing we can do, and the information that we will recieve will be very, very useful - so, it's pointless for me to fret.

Yes, I AM going to my zen space, how'd ya know?

I even went as far to change my nick on one of my favorite boards - it started mentally taunting me - 'to be, or not to be, that is the question!' Horrid.

Moving on.....

C asked me last night why don't we open a restaurant. Once I got past my inital 'We are entering a recession!! Are you INSANE?!?!?!!?' reaction, I started thinking about it a little - calmer. And, ya know, I don't know. We still can't really 'afford' it, but fer fucks sake, that's what investors are for. There's a cool location for sale - right on a main strip, near our house, in a relatively safe hood. Dunno how much they want for it - but, it's a thought. We've got the grand chef, and we have the trusted money person - the problem is we are both ignorant as newborn babes when it comes to all the nits & grits of opening a restaurant. He's got some experience, but strictly from a chefs side. It's funny, at the end of the brief convo I said 'Well, worst comes to worst, we'll just go bankrupt!' *faint* But, yeah. Maybe. I dunno. And I suspect he'll HATE my ideas for a concept..... *evil grin*

So, I don't know. He was rejected for two of the positions he was really hoping for (both of the corporate ones), and the one that's left is the one that he REALLY wants - but he's getting antsy because they are kinda dragging their feet. It's been what - two months, now? I vaciliate being antsy and resignation over the whole thing.

I need to call my mother, but I'm not in the right mind set to talk to her right now - it's funny, I tend to avoid her in times of instability - I still feel like she's judging me (and whether she is or isn't isn't the issue at all), and I still have to prove that I'm a big girl now. I know I DON'T, but the gut feeling/reaction is still there.

Speaking of which, I need to work on my homework for next weeks Realm class - the 5 piviotal people. Mother, Amin, C, M, and..... I don't know. Someone else. It's sad, really, how few people I have in my life that actually MATTERED. Hrm.

Okay. *sigh* I've got a meeting to go to with one of my banes (who I'm sure is just going to go on and on), and I need to be pleasant and perky and shit. *slaps on fake grin* Vodka would make this place EVER so much more pleasant.