J said - Awareness of Power

It's terrifying to be caught so fully in the grip of something that you are fully aware of yet cannot control. At a certain time of the month, I am caught in the powerful rage of my horomones. Up and down in and out, I can't control my mood swings or my energy. No matter what I do, I'm tired...or bursting with energy. I have a deep hateful rage toward the world...or I love everyone and everything. I am gleeful and secure in myself.. or I feel like a worthless smear on the windshield of life. And as each of these moods take me, I am fully and totally absorbed into them. Nothing I can do, nothing anyone can say changes that state I am in.


I wish that I was back on the pill sometimes, because at least that eliminated these wild swings...but it also wiped out most of my libido...which I missed dreadfully. So, for a few days of the month I try to avoid people, I try to meditate ALOT, I try to eat chocolate and remind myself of the wonderful person that I am. But sometimes those dark clouds sweep in faster than I can control them...and I am sunk into a state of despair. It is during these times that I can fully emphathize/symphathize with friends of mine who suffer from depression...it is a dreadful horrible thing. To consiously KNOW that there is nothing wrong with you..that life really is kinda good...but to at the same time be totally aware that you, and everything you have ever done, means approxiamately jackshit. I hate feeling this way, and I celebrate that it doesn't last...


And then I sweep through the time...and stand on the other side...mind whole, body free once again ready and willing to conquer everything. Every month I must cross the burning sands...and emerge as a woman again.



*****


Okay, enough dreary stuff...suddenly I have nothing more to say...I WANT to write to spill to gush, but I really don't have anything to say. I lead such a bland life...by all that is in my control.. I WILL go out this weekend and take pictures like a mad woman...I will stay sober (maybe) and I will write. Sometimes I want to take my camera to work with me just to capture that early morning light..the way it lays (lies?) across the grass, twinkling off of every blade...or so freeze the old bare tree against the stormy sky.. *sighs* or to steal that moment when her eyes light up...I hold these pictures in my mind. .but I want to hold them in my heart.


I have another book in the mental mills...The title will come from the old saying..."There, but for the grace of God, go I" I want it to be a complilation of stories and pictures from those displaced persons...I hate to call them homeless, because humans are adapt at finding a home anywhere, but they are displaced..misplaced.. somehow they have lost that PLACE they might have called home. I am curious..and intrigued by the stories they must have..some I'm sure come from drugs..and others from mental disorders...but how many were once like me? or like any of my friends...young..headstrong...and full of security that the world would always do them right... yet something happened that now leaves them in a state where they are pitied, abused, and reviled...by individuals, by the media, by the government. I wonder...and simply whisper.. there..but for her grace...go I.


J.